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Mary Worth, 7/13/13

Hey there, let’s check in on Mary’s desert spa vacation, shall we? She just got out of a life-changing yoga class, and, in possibly related news, is wearing a color-coordinated loose-fitting shirt/pants combo, just like everyone else in the cult compound. The name tags are for easy identification of the bodies, after the mass suicide!

Mark Trail, 7/13/13

Based on Rusty’s posture in the third panel, I’m assuming he’s running at full speed out the door directly at newspaper guy Jason Smith’s solar plexus. “Hi Rusty … I came by to see if you’ve heard anythOOOOOF”

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Spider-Man, 7/8/13

Good news, guys! Spider-Man’s ill-thought-out scheme to avoid having to make up some semi-believable explanation to a bored TSA agent about why he has a Spider-Man costume in luggage by wearing his Spider-Man costume and then making a dick of himself by climbing all over the walls has succeeded! Not because of any real heroics, or because he had a plan of any sort in place, obviously, but because somebody in the layer of Homeland Security bureaucracy that a TSA agent can reach via walky-talky told said TSA agent to “make this stop happening in such a way that I don’t have to ever hear about it again.” Still, Spidey is right to celebrate! Any conflict that doesn’t end with him accidentally knocking himself unconscious is a triumph!

Heathcliff, 7/8/13

OK, so I know fish don’t have eyelids and so their eyes appear to be staring at you in unblinking horror long after they’re dead, and that Heathcliff has stolen this dead fish and put a helmet it on it for joke/whimsy purposes as he razor-scooters off. But still, I choose to interpret the scene thusly: that fish is still alive, and is aware that he’s being carted for eating. His expression indicates not so much horror as a bemused resignation. “Oh, so I’m on a razor scooter now, with a cat. Greeeeaat.”

Mary Worth, 7/8/13

“I sure am enjoying this copy of Person magazine! It’s a great resource for finding out what sort of behavior patterns persons find normal. Plus, it’s a magazine that only persons read! Says so right in the name! Why, it certainly wouldn’t be purchased and read ostentatiously by some sort of space-lizard wearing a human meatsuit disguise! Ha ha!”

Six Chix, 7/8/13

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that the Six Chix were competing amongst themselves to see who could create a cartoon with the most horribly mangled corpse in it. Explains a lot!

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Gil Thorp, 7/5/13

Well, this is it: I am officially allowing myself to get excited about the Gil Thorp storyline, seeing as it’s going to be about the colorful history of professional wrestling! See, Oldguy McFisticuffs is Herk the Mauler, and is a former pro wrestler, as is his son, who apparently has some connection to Gil, so it’s WRESTLEMANIA until football starts! (Not literally.) (WrestleMania is registered trademark of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.) Can you believe we had (I think, I’m not going to bother going back to check because they were soooo boring) two summers in a row about golf when we could have had wacky tales of regional wrestling from back in the day? Pro wrestling is genuinely fascinating, a weird combination of athletics and improvisational theater with a complex vocabulary, and it did indeed emerge from regional scenes in the middle of the 20th century. Anyway, when Herk wasn’t being a heel in whatever the regional wrestling equivalent of the Valley Conference was, he was “Johnny Blaze” “out west” in a wrestling scene that did as little as possible to mask the sport’s homoerotic undertones.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/5/13

You know, if I were going to do a joke about someone who always speaks her mind and has a hard time holding her tongue, I probably wouldn’t have her deliver the punchline in thought balloon form. But Herb and Jamaal chose a different path.

Mark Trail, 7/5/13

Rusty and the Otters: A play in one act

RUSTY: Don’t wander off, adorable otters!

ADORABLE OTTERS: [Immediately wander off]

FIN

Apartment 3-G, 7/5/13

You know, if I were going to do a plotline about one of my soap opera strip characters trying on a bunch of fancy clothes, I probably would actually depict her wearing some of the fancy clothes instead showing her in between bouts of fancy-clothes-trying-on, wearing the same boring clothes she always wears. But Apartment 3-G chose a different path.

Mary Worth, 7/5/13

Oh, man, Toby does not want to go on this vacation with Mary, you guys.