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Six Chix, 10/8/13

Oh, you really expect us to believe this is only “one day” at the Louvre, Six Chix? If you posit that inanimate statues are capable of thought but not movement or communication, then the Venus de Milo has been has been silently screaming about her missing arms for centuries. If only her head had fallen off during all those years underground! Then at least the thinking, the useless, awful, endless thinking, would be over and done with! Or maybe statues don’t think with their heads. Maybe being headless would only render her unable to see or hear, an unmoored mind whirling forever within cold, lifeless stone. Anyway, I know my next trip to the museum just got a lot more depressing!

Speaking of museums, Six Chix seems to have taken advantage Rex Morgan’s discovery that you can put naked butts in the comics as long as it’s fancy art, and has gone one step further and shown us some full-on boobs. If only certain other strips had the nerve to push the envelope!

Mary Worth, 10/8/13

Haha, remember when Mary was determined to spend more time with Jeff? Well, that plan is off if it involves going with him to gross third world countries, apparently! “I too am going on a trip … to … somewhere not infested with giant insects, and where I can get a nice dinner that won’t confuse and terrify me? Yes, let’s say that.”

Spider-Man, 10/8/13

Sure, El Condor’s regime is a brutal dictatorship, but he doesn’t only use his iron fist to crush all political dissent! He also uses it to enforce sensible modern building safety codes.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/4/13

Guys, I need to apologize for having not at all covered the current Rex Morgan storyline, which if I had to guess will probably play out as “Sometimes Men Are Also Victims Of Domestic Violence, Like This Guy Rex Went To High School With Whose Wife Tried To Kill Him By ‘Accidentally’ Shooting Him In The Head With A Nail Gun, And Also General Practitioners Are On The Front Line In Spotting Possible Warning Signs Of Abuse.” But of course I couldn’t pass over Rex’s fantastic facial expression in panel three, which is much less “Hmm, wonder how this’ll play out, trying to limit the victim’s social life is a classic abuser move” and more “Ugh, why do they always think we’re friends just because I talk to them in a professional context, I knew I should’ve been a forensic pathologist, you get plenty of peace and quiet down in the morgue.”

Mary Worth, 10/4/13

Ugh, Mary Worth, can we get a little less Mary and Wilbur blah blah blahing about advice column writing and a little more badass meth dealer action? You’ve only got a few days to latch onto all the hardcore meth storyline addicts who have been left without a narrative supplier now that Breaking Bad is off the air, and you’re blowing it.

Meanwhile, Dr. Jeff had better brace himself, because now that Mary’s number one priority has been taken over by Wilbur, he’s been bumped back up to number four. Will he be able to handle the attention?

Family Circus, 10/4/13

The fact that omnipresent government surveillance has become such a natural part of our lives that even children joke about it is almost worse than this terrible, terrible bit of wordplay. Almost.

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Mary Worth, 9/29/13

OH MY GOD YES YES YES TOMMY THE TWEAKER’S COMING BACK, EVERYBODY! Tommy was the very first great Mary Worth character I got to cover in this blog’s history. He referred to drugs as “stuff” and smoked weed where Mary could smell it and dreamed of having his very own meth lab and tried to sell meth to some college kid but the meth didn’t work and an angry mob smacked him around but the cops rescued him and then he thought-ballooned hilariously. Later, he went to jail and found Jesus by reading a tiny, tiny bible. Obviously hilarious hijinks are in store for us now that our rotating-door prison system has dumped this hardened criminal back on the streets of Santa Rosa after a mere nine years in stir. Iris is right to push Wilbur out of her life right now! He’s already terribly addicted to delicious sammiches, so who even knows what’d happen if he got hold of the hard stuff.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 9/29/13

Oh, isn’t this cute! A bunch of anthropomorphic animals sitting around telling stories about how humans treated one another, in the Before Time. Isn’t it funny how humans had this thing called presumption of innocence? That they didn’t just throw you in a jail cell forever because some fox decided you were guilty? Might explain a lot about why they aren’t in charge anymore. Animals, they don’t worry about niceties. Animals get things done.

Beetle Bailey, 9/29/13

Oh my god, look at Zero’s face in the next to last panel, the sinister glint in his eyes as he imagines enveloping the enemy, cutting off all means of retreat, and methodically pounding them to bits with artillery. Their attempts to surrender are met only with sinister laughter. Testimony about this moment will feature heavily in his war crimes trial.