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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/19/12

Uh-oh, in her sad and futile attempt to finally get ahead of Rex in their ongoing dickishness contest, June has gone a little off-script when it comes to her more immediate task, namely keeping Iris off the sauce. “Hey, Iris, you sure look pretty in that funeral dress! Good thing, too, since you need to wear it all the time, seeing as everyone you ever loved keeps dying. It doesn’t show off your rack to the same advantage that mine does, of course, but then what would, right?”

Spider-Man, 5/19/12

Thanks, Newspaper Spider-Man, for neatly encapsulating your narrative philosophy for new readers. “I don’t need any amazing, exciting powers beyond those of ordinary humans to dislike that creep! Sullen, baseless jealousy will be the engine of this plot, not a superheroic battle to save mankind!”

Pluggers, 5/19/12

An archaic, failing bureaucracy is pretty much the only thing tethering pluggers to the mainstream of human society, and once that tether snaps, things are gonna get real depressing real quick.

Mary Worth, 5/19/12

The sad thing about the awkward, violent gesture in panel one is that Wilbur thinks it’s a hug.

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Mary Worth, 5/15/12

Wow, so the “Mary is summoned to Gina and Bobby’s surprise wedding, which goes off without a hitch” storyline lasted only three weeks, which has to be some kind of Shortest Mary Worth Storyline record. What could the point of it have been? Was it entertaining in and of itself, even by the fairly low standard of “entertainment” that we can expect from Mary Worth? No! Were we all desperate for closure on the “Gina and Bobby have been reunited and are 100% certifiably in love” plot? Most definitely not! But could their successful reunion and healthy emotional lives serve as a counterpoint to the misery and loneliness that will always afflict the sad and hilarious Weston clan? Now you’re talking!

I feel comfortable telling you (because you all know what a monster I am) that panel two of today’s strip — in which a shlubby, sad Wilbur, combover askew and chest hair on display, slouches away from his daughter, who begs an unfeeling God for mercy — prompted my biggest laugh from the comics so far this week. What might be the source of Dawn’s soul-wrenching sadness? I mean, based on Wilbur’s facial expression and the heartfelt nature of her cry, you’d think it was that Wilbur just told her that they’ve contracted father-daughter cancer and have only six agonizingly painful months to live, but probably it’s just that some boy was mean to her on Twitter.

Dennis the Menace, 5/15/12

“Huh, a little boy running in terror from an enraged, violent adult? Enh, not my problem! I think I’ll just stand here trying to figure out what order to put these three blank index cards in.”

Mark Trail, 5/15/12

HELPFUL CRIME TIP: If you’ve been arrested for murder, and you absolutely must admit to an incident in which you physically assaulted the person who was later killed, try not to get a faraway look in your eye or let a little smile play on your lips, thus making it clear to all what a fond memory this is for you.

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Marvin, 5/10/12

Some people probably think I’m little harsh on poor li’l Marvin, repeatedly calling him the “world’s worst baby,” just because he isn’t potty trained, and glories in not being potty trained, and poops and pees in his pants constantly, for fun. Nothing the kid won’t grow out of, right? Well, it may concern you to learn that once he does finally learn to do his business in a toilet, like an adult, he plans to become a brutal dictator who will starve his own people if they refuse to support him politically. (Also, once he has obtained absolute power, he’ll probably just start crapping himself again, because who’s to stop him? You? Do you want your entire family sentenced to work in His Lordship’s diaper-processing plants?)

Mark Trail, 5/10/12

Uh-oh, you guys, Mark Trail’s gotta clear a guy on murder charges, so it looks like his fishing trip with Rusty has to be postponed, forever. Sure, a man had to die and another man had to languish in prison for a crime he didn’t commit to keep the horrible notion of Rusty-Mark bonding at bay, but I think everyone would agree that the sacrifices were worth it.

Judge Parker, 5/10/12

Hmm, since one of the main things we know about April is that she is extremely capable with firearms, perhaps Sam’s “I’m afraid April will have something to say about that” presages a full-on shotgun battle for control of Randy’s wedding. But that will have to wait until the strip cycles around to this plot again, sometime in 2014! Right now we have to worry about the mysterious Avery Blackstone. Something WASPy this way comes!

Mary Worth, 5/10/12

I’m sorry, the notion that this wedding reception would involve demure, well-dressed women applauding Mary’s meddling prowess has pushed it completely beyond the realm of believability for me, even by this strip’s rather lax standards. I’m now convinced that Mary never left California at all, and that this is just one of her masturbatory fantasies.