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Mary Worth, 6/3/12

Well, this is an unexpected development! It seems that Wilbur is looking to get Dawn out of his few remaining hairs by shipping her off to … exotic Italy! With Giorgio, who sounds sexxay. And maybe married, but whatever, they do things differently over there, as I’ve been led to believe by Silvio Berlusconi. This seems like exactly what Dawn needs to pull her out of her funk.

And what a funk it is, as we reach day seven of Dawn lying on the couch and watching Game of Thrones and intermittently blurting out “Life is brutal.” Although with her eyes closed and neither hand properly visible, I’m tempted to guess that she’s actually engaging in a little self-pleasure right there in the living room, which, good for her in general, but not bothering to get out of home spaces Wilbur might at any moment occupy may be a symptom of larger problems. And it isn’t even during one of the show’s many sex scenes! (I’ve never watched it, but I’m given to understand that you see balls and/or boobies about once every 45 seconds.) Also, if “Life is brutal” is what she says while orgasming, we may have an explanation for why her relationships all seem to end so abruptly.

Dick Tracy, 6/3/12

Little Face has been nice enough to spy on his evil crime gang for Dick and the cops, so you’d think that they’d have him wear a wire in the traditional sense of wearing one concealed under his clothes, rather than giving him a clunky old two-way wrist TV that’s totally visible and emits glowing electrical arcs to boot.

Six Chix, 6/3/12

You heard it here first, parents: spend too much time on the computer and your child will go catch whatever diseases you get from splashing around in bird shit.

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Mary Worth, 6/1/12

Sorry I have not been properly keeping you up to date on the Great Dawn Weston Mope-Fest of 2012, which has consisted entirely of her lying on her couch, clinging to a pillow, obsessively rewatching Game of Thrones, and mumbling things like “Life is brutal.” This has gone on for days! I know, it doesn’t sound that exciting when I describe it, but she does it with a certain verve. Anyway, Wilbur’s had about as many of these thrills as he can handle, so he’s off to his sealed Wilburtorium to make a call … a long distance call, if you know what we mean! I actually don’t know what he means, though I do know that, since Mary lives in the same condo complex, he isn’t calling her, which means he hasn’t stumbled onto the real solution to everyone’s problems yet, i.e., calling Mary Worth.

I do kind of hope that his phone call has absolutely nothing to do with his miserable daughter, who he’ll just leave on the couch whining for the foreseeable future until she decides to buck up. “Yeah, Dawn’s still not over what’s-his-face yet. ‘Life is brutal,’ blah blah blah. So, what are you wearing?”

Funky Winkerbean, 6/1/12

Wow, two primary characters in Funky Winkerbean are really excited about something happening in the lives! How do we get from here to abject misery in the fewest possible moves? Hmm, let’s say … former rivals, now best friends and stepsisters to be, suddenly find themselves competing for the lone spot on the team, with no other options and their futures on the line? Yes, that’ll do nicely.

Apartment 3-G, 6/1/12

I’m sure “We shouldn’t be having this conversation, Margo” is meant to denote that Tommie is on Team Nina, or even that she has entirely false views of the legal implications of midwife-patient confidentiality, but I kind of hope that it means something more along the lines of “We shouldn’t be having this conversation, Margo, because it is completely insane. You can’t just appoint yourself someone’s publicist against their will! And you’re not even a publicist! You’re certainly not a good publicist! I’m going to leave the room and come in again, and when I do I want to hear noises out of your mouth that are not 100% bonkers.”

Spider-Man, 6/1/12

Newspaper Spider-Man’s villains almost always become less threatening as their storyline works itself out. I was pretty worried that we’d never be able to get less menacing than yesterday’s reveal, but this is actually a pretty good start! Haha, that car has a duck on it!

Beetle Bailey, 6/1/12

You know, if Beetle Bailey decided it wanted to focus entirely on the theater of erotic bafflement from here on out, I wouldn’t object at all. It’d sure be preferable to whatever the hell it is that it’s been doing for the past 60 years or so.

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Dennis the Menace, 5/27/12

At first glance, this cartoon might seem to take place in a post apocalyptic lull. What has wiped out all the other humans in Dennis’s neck of the woods? Plague? Zombies? Do the living dead wander the streets of Dennis’s hometown, feasting on the flesh of the living, with Dennis staying alive due only to his own cunning and menace, and keeping Joey safe to have someone to talk to? But Dennis’s statement in the final panel paints an even more chilling scenario, and explains his incessant mishcief-making. Dennis exists in an empty world that only responds to his misbehavior, summoning up shadowy figures to scold him. It is only through menace that he can provoke a response from the universe. It is only through menace that he can be saved from terrible, endless loneliness.

Mary Worth, 5/27/12

“Dawn, don’t dwell on it … if you miss this bus, you’ll catch another! You see, each young man in your life is like a bus. They’re long and hard, and they come by on a fairly regular schedule, and whenever one arrives, you can ride it for a while, though you have to respect the fact that sometimes it reaches the end of its route before you’ve reached your destination, and sometimes other people want to ride the bus too. But they’re all pretty much alike, and you need to ride as many as you can if you want to get anywhere. Wait, where are you going? Is this metaphor making you uncomfortable? I’m just talking about riding young men as if they’re buses!”

Panel from Spider-Man, 5/27/12

Would you like to see Spider-Man almost slam crotch-first into a gargoyle? Here, here’s Spider-Man almost slamming crotch-first into a gargoyle.