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Mark Trail, 2/21/12

“Oh, crap, we have to depict someone who works in the entertainment industry. Does anyone know what those people look like? Uh, let’s go with Charles Nelson Reilly circa 1974, that sounds about right.”

I was going to suggest that “Where is this miracle animal? I’m anxious to get started! You know me, Mark, I’m in and out!” was the day’s most hilarious unintentional soap strip double entendre…

Gil Thorp, 2/21/12

But then I saw “He rides me like a donkey then acts like he’s my pal.” Ha ha, if Coach Thorp thinks Parker is sad now, wait until he gets Milford’s only basically legal tattoo parlor shut down! There will be so many bitter tears!

Mary Worth, 2/21/12

LOOK OUT MARY NOLA CAN HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS THROUGH THE PHONE OH MY GOD SHE’S A MUTANT WITH MENTAL POWERS WE’RE ALL DOOMED SHE ALWAYS GETS WHAT SHE WANTS

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Apartment 3-G, 2/18/12

Nina appears to be trying an advanced variation on the “smoke yourself thin” technique. Remember, everyone, a low baby birth weight means fewer stretch marks and shorter labor for you! And a host of health problems and cognitive deficits for the baby, but, whatever, let’s focus on the important things here.

Mary Worth, 2/18/12

Ha ha, Toby’s eyes are little pinpoints of rage and disbelief in the second panel. “‘Unhappy childhood?’ Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve spent most of my adulthood married to Ian Cameron, but you give me a 20-minute lecture if I use the wrong fork.”

Pluggers, 2/18/12

Pluggers know that dwelling on how old you are is no way to steer the conversation to a desperate drunken hookup that might stave away the loneliness for a little while.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/16/12

Vegan advocacy groups should probably just plaster an enormous version of this cartoon on all available surfaces. The look on Ol’ Bessie’s face as she realizes that, with the well empty, she’ll be required to produce enough fluid to slake the Smifs’ thirst is truly harrowing. It probably shouldn’t come as surprise that our rustics don’t have a firm enough grasp on biology to understand where the liquid in the cow-juice comes from, but it’s pretty clear that once they drain the poor thing dry, they’ll presumably move on to their neighbors’ livestock, and then to their neighbors.

Mary Worth, 2/16/12

Here’s a fun game to play! The next time an acquaintance boasts to you that he or she has bedded a new ladyfriend for the first time, show an interest by asking “How did it go? Was it unpleasant? Did she boast about her successes?” This will guarantee that you won’t have to hear about anybody’s sex life ever again.