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Mary Worth, 2/14/25

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! Mary Worth would like to take a break from Dawn’s romantic crisis to show you what real love looks like: it looks like two old people who haven’t experienced drama or conflict or strong emotions of any kind in years going to the same restaurant they always go to and then maybe home for six to nine desultory minutes of hand stuff.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 2/14/25

Speaking of romance, I’ve decided to duck in to Mother Goose and Grimm again and discovered that Mother Goose’s love life is in a tailspin. Did her boyfriend Hiram leave her for her hairdresser? Has she decided to go to the bar the two of them used to hang out at together to find a new lover? Can birds and humans have sex, in the world of Mother Goose and Grimm? Do birds have teeth there? Do dentists see patients in their own homes, rather than an office dedicated to the practice of dentistry as they do in our world? Has Mother Goose, a bird, put in false teeth specifically to attract the sexual attention of this handsome human dentist? Honestly lots of questions here that I’m not sure any of us are prepared to learn the answers to.

Gil Thorp, 2/14/25

Oh yeah, I’ve been lax in keeping you up to date on Gil Thorp developments, which are as follows: Mudlark semi-superstar Rodney Barnes agreed to let some students make a short documentary film about him, and he came across like a real egotistical jerk in it, so now everybody hates him and won’t pass to him. I like the last panel here, and I assume we’re supposed to imagine “I’m open” echoing sadly as Rodney realizes the enormity of his various blunders.

Dennis the Menace, 2/14/25

Dennis, this is just deep stupidity that would make every single Keane Kid — yes, even PJ — ashamed. The only person you’re a menace to is … yourself.

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The Lockhorns, 2/12/25

Inexpensive compared to what, Leroy? Eating at a “nice” restaurant? It still is! Eating at home? It never was! No, you’ve just decided to make Loretta feel bad because she begged to go out to eat somewhere, anywhere for once. Isn’t it cruel enough that you’re forcing her to split a single order of fries with you? Why can’t you be more like the guy in the background, who sincerely appreciates all the fast food industry’s deep bench of food scientists have done in terms of creating meal-like experiences suffused with the proper combinations of chemicals to activate the exact same part of your brain that reacts to cocaine?

Dennis the Menace, 2/12/25

Normally I’m not a fan of the “Dennis shit-talks his mom’s cooking” strips, but I gotta admit he’s really selling it here. That’s the face a guy with a mouthful of sawdust. That’s the face a guy who hasn’t tasted anything other than sawdust in years.

Pluggers, 2/12/25

Either pluggers swap sexual partners so often they can no longer be bothered to keep track of their fuckbuddies’ names, or they’re suffering from some kind of tragic brain ailment that’s causing early onset dementia. I leave it up to you to decide which possibility is more disturbing.

Mary Worth, 2/12/25

“I am now that Jared has pointed out that ‘Dirk’ rhymes with ‘jerk’! That’s a great mnemonic to remind me that he’s a jerk! Usually I just see his pretty eyes and beefy forearms and forget.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/12/25

Ha ha, it’s funny because everyone in town knows that Snuffy is a financial, legal, and emotional burden on all of his loved ones!

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Mary Worth, 2/9/25

I have not really been talking about this Mary Worth plotline much, because it turns out that seeing a big beefy asshole act in a way that’s clearly emotionally abusive towards his girlfriend and feels like it could become physically abusive at any moment isn’t “fun” or “funny” the way most of the dysfunctional antics in this strip are. However, when the big physical confrontation takes the form of a shove to Jared’s chest so feeble that even he seems surprised by it? And Dawn reacts with the supporting attack of “accidentally” dropping a bowling ball on Dirk’s foot? And then he calls her something truly gasp-worthy, probably a “Christ-abandoned trollop”? Well, even I have to admit: that’s pretty funny, and it gets even funnier when you see that poor Aeschylus, who wrote a civilization-defining trilogy about ghastly cycles of murder and revenge and divine wrath only being resolved by Athena founding institutions of human justice, has been dragged in to provide a sheen of legitimacy to the proceedings. Don’t worry, though: none of the bajillion websites that have this quote on them tell you which play it’s from, which is a good sign that it’s made up, so Aeschylus is in fact chilling in the Greek underworld and does not need to trouble himself with Dawn’s romantic trials. (Google’s Gemini AI on separate queries tried to tell me that the line is from The Remembered, which is not an actual play, and that while it’s not from a specific play it captures the themes of the Oresteia, which is pretty funny in its own right.)

Blondie, 2/9/25

There’s a lot of questions to ask here (Who are these people and why are they attending Dagwood’s Super Bowl party in lieu of any of his actual friends or acquaintances? How committed are they to the old-time football helmet bit? Is that one guy supposed to be British?) but mostly I want to criticize the final panel. This is the comics! What you depict is only limited by your imagination! Why is this set up to imply that even within the universe of the strip, one of these guys is just visualizing a military flyover, when the artist could’ve just depicted a squadron of actual fighter jets swooping low over Dagwood’s suburban neighborhood, deafening and terrifying everyone for miles around and, if we’re lucky, dropping a BLU-109/B “bunker buster” bomb on the Bumstead residence and ending our national nightmare forever?