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Lockhorns, 3/1/11

Wow, if you had asked me, “Which comics couple has a whole secret life in which they run pharming parties and ingest massive amounts of bootleg prescription drugs?”, the Lockhorns would not have been my answer. (Connie and Walt from Zits would have been my number one choice, for the record.) I’m pretty sure this is the first Lockhorns panel I’ve seen where both halves of the titular hell-couple are smiling at the same time, even though Leroy’s got the squiggly-smile that is this comic’s shorthand for intoxication of one sort or another. I’m not sure who the anonymous foreground lady is supposed to be, but Loretta is clearly very excited about introducing her to the mind-altering bounty in that box of wonderful pharmaceutical treats from our neighbors to the north.

Mary Worth, 3/1/11

“Let me tell you something, Wilbur. Your daughter’s lived with you her whole life, so I have to imagine that she’s been forced to watch what I just saw — you inhaling a hamburger right out of your hands, barely pausing to chew — over and over again. So you can’t blame her for developing defensive strategies. I sure wish I had been facing a computer screen instead of facing you when that happened. I kind of wish there were a computer screen between the two of us right now, or maybe just a thick concrete or metal barrier of some kind.”

Wizard of Id, 3/1/11

Aw, isn’t that nice! Remember, whether you’re a prisoner of your job and the low social status associated with it, or just an actual, literal prisoner, you can still escape your bonds and drudgery with the power of your imagination. In this case, the imaginary journey involves macking on sexy ladies, I guess? Seriously, I have no idea what the hell is supposed to be going on here.

Dick Tracy, 3/1/11

The reason we put up with month after month of aimless insanity in Dick Tracy is that, eventually, any given plot will suddenly resolve itself into a brief episode of visceral, nightmarish horror, which remains incomprehensible on any kind of intellectual level but will still be seared into your consciousness, forever. Anyway, as today’s strip features a mass murderer in a gimp mask squirming in terror at the arrival of hundreds of bloodthirsty rats, I think it’s safe to say that this stage of the narrative has arrived.

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Wizard of Id, 2/22/10

There’s something I find pleasingly subversive about today’s Wizard of Id, in which a gaggle of peasants treats the supposedly deadly serious business of war as little more than a game, with no real importance. Does the artist intend us to take a Marxist interpretation of this scene, with the implication being that the working classes ought to stick together in solidarity rather than fighting in the wars orchestrated in the interests of their exploiters? Or does the strip merely attempt to paint an accurate picture of its medieval milieu, in which serfs often felt little or no affinity for the clique of specialized warriors who ruled them? Whatever the case, those peasants sure are looking cheery, considering that they’ll almost certainly be enslaved or killed for sport by whoever wins this battle.

Mary Worth, 2/22/10

Sometimes, when poor unlovable Wilbur isn’t in this strip, I forgot how much I love him. Watch him angrily pour something brown and unappetizing out of an oddly shaped bottle! Watch him clumsily grab at his daughter in an attempt to keep her moored in physical reality, and watch her recoil in palpable disgust! Oh Wilbur, this sad little episode will be all over Dawn’s password-protected LiveJournal tonight, but don’t worry, I still love you!

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Mary Worth, 2/18/11

So, this current Mary Worth storyline: opinions differ about it! Here, for instance, is the complete text of an email I received from my mother yesterday evening:

this is the most boring Mary Worth ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I admit that it’s not the roller-coaster ride of hilarity of, say, Charley or Jill, but it has its subtle charms! I sort of love how Wilbur’s been getting more and more exasperated as Mary continues to not get the awesomeness of Twitter. I mean, he doesn’t even really care for it that much, but since he’s showing Mary how it works, he wants her to be at least a little intrigued.

It’s also fun if you imagine that, in the second panel, they’re talking about Wilbur’s penis.

Anyway, if you want to try to purge that image from your mind, you might want to check out today’s Mary Worth-themed Shortpacked!

Mark Trail, 2/18/11

Mark Trail, meanwhile, continues to entertain in a more straightforward fashion. I’d like to believe that the third panel is taking place in that Coast Guard helicopter’s spacious stateroom, and the red-haired figure in the foreground is the vessel’s commanding officer. He’s watching his bumbling underlings bicker and wrestle over the diamond-less tackle box, and thinking about whether it would save time on paperwork to just “accidentally” shove Ben Smith out the door in mid-flight.

Judge Parker, 2/18/11

The title character from Judge Parker may not get as much time in the spotlight as Sam Driver, but in panel three he proves that he can be just as smug. Remember, kids, the coddled and the privileged start out with an unrealistically high opinion of themselves, so the only way to really stroke their egos is to frame your ass-kissing as “brutal honesty.”

Spider-Man, 2/18/11

So she used to be your finacée … uh huh … and now she is again … right, right … loves you in spite of your past … sure, makes sense … WAIT YOU’RE GOING TO GET MARRIED? OH DEAR GOD!!!!