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Mary Worth, 8/29/10

At last we get to this storyline’s dramatic turn: Dr. Mike will learn what a sucker he was to turn away from Jenna, because of the advice from his revenge-haunted drunk old dad, towards whom up to this point Mike has felt nothing but hate. But whatever! Mike will almost certainly now invite Jenna over for some hot sexing, right after he proposes. “What’s all that shouting from upstairs?” Jenna will ask? “Oh, it’s nothing, just my dad going through the DTs. Maybe I should loosen the straps holding him onto the bed?”

Of course, once Jenna learns that Mike has turned forever away from the booze, she’ll have to work overtime to hide her own drink the pain away habit. Oh, but wait, she’s a woman in Mary Worth who’s about to discover true love, so obviously she’ll never be sad again.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/29/10

Ha ha, the looks on Susan and Cayla’s faces in the next to last panel, as they prepare to hear about what they probably imagine will be Les’s plan for a mopey polygamous marriage, are priceless. Silly ladies, did you think your relationships with Les were about you, somehow? No, they’re about Les. They’re always about Les.

Spider-Man, 8/29/10

“I pretty much assumed I would choke to death on a Dorito while watching television, or maybe break my neck falling down a flight of stairs. This is actually kind of exciting!”

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Dennis the Menace, 8/25/10

It seems at last that Dennis has found something truly menacing to do: serve as a self-appointed eugenicist enforcer. “Miss, did you have authorization from the Central Hereditary Bureau to bear that child? I can tell by looking at you that your genome is suspect.”

Gil Thorp, 8/25/10

Gil Thorp has managed to find something duller than golf in real life or golf on TV: golf in the comics. Yes, I know we’ve been talking about golf in the strip all summer, but the last few … days, I guess (it seems like years) have been taken up by an actual single golf game. It’s been so boring that Torrey is well aware that most of the readership has dozed off, and is attempting to poke them to wake them up in the first panel. The person I really feel for is the behatted multi-chinned dude in the first panel. You can tell he’s all excited about his big Gil Thorp cameo! Wore his best Hawaiian shirt and everything! Too bad it’s in such a snooze-inducing strip.

Mary Worth, 8/25/10

Why is Mike surrounded by a halo of distress in panel two? Does he fear that his father is going to die of massive liver failure right there in front of him, and he’ll be responsible for disposing of the gin-soaked body? Or is he disgusted that the old man is satisfied to go to his grave without having tracked down Richie’s killer, thus becoming a failure at officially everything?

Pluggers, 8/25/10

Pluggers know that the chances of their working up the energy to have sex with one another will be improved if they can’t see each other.

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Mary Worth, 8/22/10

I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of “most consistently hilarious depiction of drunkenness in a comic strip” Reuben Award, and Mary Worth is gunning for it, hard. Lonnie began his drunken day with a jacket and pants of different colors — obviously, the hard drinking has destroyed the fashion centers of his brain. (That’s why he only wears grey now.) But once he’s got a real bender on, we can see the true horror that booze does to a man. Did Lonnie unbutton and then drunkenly try to rebutton his shirt? Probably! Because that’s what alcohol does. It leaves your wispy stomach hairs visible for the world to see. Is this what you want for yourself? Turn away from the drinking, before it’s too late!

Apartment 3-G, 8/22/10

I’m pretty sure that Lu Ann’s stylist is supposed to be some sort of sassy gay artiste. Unfortunately, as depicted, he looks more like the answer to the question “What if Mr. Clean were a supervillain who was also a resurrected undead king from ancient Sumer?” This is a question that I’m pretty sure has never been asked, ever, and even if it were I would hope that the character so described would not be saddled with the name “Mister Mojo.”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/22/10

Ha ha! It’s funny because Funky can’t feel joy, due to his crippling emotional problems.