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Gil Thorp, 9/15/09

Yes, Gil Thorp’s fall sports action is about to begin, and it looks like the coaching staff (including seldom seen non-Kaz Assistant Coach Beardy McBeardster) has already pretty much written the whole season off, because they’ll still be paid the same win or lose, so why bother? Sure, let’s put known snitch and killjoy Robb Larue in as running back, why not; after all, the offensive plan will mostly consist of the terrified quarterback hurling the ball downfield at random as he runs towards the sideline, shrieking in terror, so he can’t hurt anything. At least Robb will be able to impress some girls with his new starting position — girls who aren’t repulsed by DISLOYALTY, anyway.

When I saw the reference to a pass-happy offense, I assumed that the team would be going with the crazy Wing-T offense they used as a last-game bit of showmanship from the previous season, but it turns out the Wing-T storyline was from two years ago, and it’s actually a running offense, anyway. I’m much more embarrassed about my inability to instantly recall Gil Thorp narrative chronology than by my lack of football smarts.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/15/09

Not that I’ve seen either of these plays, but Broadway musicals generally have enormous casts and elaborate sets, and require musical accompaniment of some sort; they are, literally, huge productions, and would be an enormous pain in the ass for a high school drama department to put on. Pulitzer Award-winning drama, conversely, can generally be put on with minimalist staging, because it’s artier that way. But, you know, go ahead and defend your choices on the grounds of “cancer is awesome, embrace death before it embraces you,” if that’s what does it for you.

Mary Worth, 9/15/09

Oh, well, I guess serial fiancée Adrian Corey decided that she finally felt ready to merge in complete wholeness with Officer Scott after, what, a whole hour and a half of soul searching? Or maybe she just wanted to taunt or possibly blind Mary with the ring, who knows. Anyway, I sure hope she got around to telling Scott that she had decided to accept his rash, ill-thought-out proposal before he headed out for the inevitably botched “Operation H-Town,” because explaining things to his bullet-ridden corpse is going to be awkward and unsatisfying.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/13/09

I present to you this Snuffy Smith not because it’s noteworthy (it isn’t) or funny (oh, definitely not) but because it gives me an opportunity to point you in the direction of the puzzlingly detailed Wikipedia article for “Old Time,” which concept our flatland tourister (tourister?) neatly exemplifies. “The archetypical Old Timey costume includes … vertically-striped fabric, straw hats … a vest, and sleeve garters of the type worn in the later half of the 19th century,” says the crowdsourced wisdom of the world’s largest online encyclopedia, and two out of four clearly ain’t bad. The question of why the flatland tourister is dressed all old-timey, when the strip has always at least half-heartedly attempted to pass itself off as taking place in some extremely rustic locale in the present, is perhaps a mystery too profound for Wikipedia to answer.

(And thanks to behind-the-scenes Rifftrax genius Conor Lastowka for pointing me in the direction of this particular bit of Wikiwhimsy.)

Marvin, 9/13/09

Considering the kinds of filth this strip routinely serves up as family entertainment, I’m actually kind of surprised that they’re apparently not allowed to use the word “snot.”

Panel from Mary Worth, 9/13/09

As Detective Hewlett drops his simple frontier bride back off at her rustic farmhouse, let’s take a moment to savor the deliciousness of “Operation H-Town.” I’m going to wager that, contrary to the Chief’s gruff commentary, it will be a party — the kind of party where a certain lovelorn police officer gets killed! Will it be Adrian’s fault, because Scott will be so busy figuring out how to diplomatically tell her that she needs to get a haircut that costs more than $8 for the wedding ceremony that he’ll walk right into an ambush set by crazed smack dealers? Probably!

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 9/13/09

“…and so that’s when I decided that I didn’t love them either! Yes, everyone in the world who had ever or would ever live was now officially my enemy. They’d pay. Oh, they’d pay.”

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Mary Worth, 9/10/09

It’s easy for Scott to be patient, because once you’re as fucked up on Special K as he appears to be in panel two, the flow of time no longer has any meaning for you.

Phantom, 9/10/09

“She’s being attacked by some purple-clad freak and his two diminutive diaper-wearing minions! Argh, I’m too late!”

Pluggers, 9/10/09

Pluggers think that “electronics superstores” still sell things out of catalogs in 2009, for some reason.

Ziggy, 9/10/09

Ziggy is about to be sodomy-searched over the phone, because nobody wants to deal with any of Ziggy’s nether parts in person.