Post Content

Mary Worth, 2/6/09

I really thought that, once Frank showed up at practice in his hideous green-and-orange checked sweater, I had seen the worst fashion nightmare that this interlude had to offer; it was so grotesque that I barely even registered Mary’s magenta-t-shirt-over-black-long-sleeve-shirt combo. But then he stood up and OH MY GOD THE PANTS THE PANTS! He’s wearing those same damn electric blue sansabelt slacks that every single male in this strip wears, somehow achieving a color combination even more appalling than the sweater alone. It will all make this promised resurrection of Frank and Mary’s “old pair moves” (which, by the way, what the hell) into a vomit-inducing swirl of clashing hues that in any just universe would end on the ice in a heap of shattered bones.

I’m intrigued by the Venn diagram hanging on the wall behind our protagonists. I’m assuming it’s a subliminal message about this pair, showing the overlap between “insufferable know-it-alls who think they’re always right” and “clueless morons who think that profound problems can be fixed very quickly.” The horizontal line at the bottom represents our rapidly shrinking will to live.

Crankshaft, 2/6/09

Say, it’s another cheery Crankshaft funeral strip! At least today’s installment isn’t being used to set up a fart joke. No, instead, the ’Shaft is declaring that every morning that he drags his arthritic, pain-wracked, bile-drenched body out of bed, when all he really wants to do is pass into the great beyond and end his suffering, is an act of vengeance. Who he’s getting revenge on is left unsaid — probably God Himself, Whose creation Crankshaft continues to defile with each day that he clings to life. The ’Shaft’s thousand-mile stare in the final panel seems to indicate that he realizes the enormity of declaring vengeance on his own Creator, but he feels honor-bound to keep it up until the end, when his friends will make terrible puns over his own embalmed corpse or cremains urn.

Spider-Man, 2/9/09

Aww, look at that! It seems that, even though they’re on opposite sides of the law, Spider-Man and Electro have quite a bit in common! See, they both need to find places to hide their costumes from their loved ones, in their microscopic New York homes! Also, despite their spandex-clad fame/notoriety, they’re both hard up for cash to pay their bills! Also, they’re both boneheaded mouth-breathing moronic chumps!

Post Content

Hi and Lois, 2/5/09

Ditto’s teacher’s enormous grin probably indicates that she’s on some kind of serious mood-altering medication, which, seeing as she’s Ditto’s teacher and all, God bless her for it.

Crock, 2/5/09

Ha ha ha, fat character created solely to be the butt of fat jokes! Let’s string together a bunch fat jokes about you! No, they don’t actually have to lead into each other logically. Say, has anyone pointed out to you that you’re fat?

Family Circus, 2/5/09

“Certainly not for unsophisticated, derivative trash like this. Why, you couldn’t get a gallery show in Peoria with crap like Running Man In Hat in your portfolio!”

Mary Worth, 2/5/09

“You helped Lynn by talking through her problems with her … and helped me with that incredible nine-hour sex session last night, which the comic syndicate censored but which I’ll imply by gently resting my hand on your shoulder!”

…

What? What? Did I blow your little minds? The way Mary blew Frank’s mind, last night? OK, I’ll stop now.

Post Content

Mark Trail, 2/2/09

For many years, philosophers have wondered: Is there anything worse than being punched by Mark Trail? One proposal — that it would be worse to be punched twice — was rejected, as such an event would ultimately fall into the category of being punched. Today, however, we learn that it may actually ultimately be more shameful and humiliating to not be punched by Mark Trail. If Mark considered Ken to be at all a worthy opponent, he’d have been knuckle-sandwiched halfway into next week by now. By offering a leisurely rebuttal to Ken’s implied accusations while casually dodging his wild uppercut, then merely immobilizing Ken’s punching hand rather than unleashing his own, Mark essentially implies that Ken isn’t even worth the fist-clenching effort. Our animal-hating conclusion-jumping rage-monster will just have to grow facial hair if he wants Mark to take him seriously.

Archie, 2/2/09

The AJGLU-3000 continues its attempts to communicate with the outside world; however, since its programming only allows communication by means of corny jokes involving the Archie gang, its signals are baffling to biological life units such as myself. Is that creepy face in on the screen in panel two meant to be grinning in cybernetic delight at the prospect of communicating with another form of intelligence? Or is that curvy thing its faux-nose, and the line beneath it its grim, implacable mouth? Either way, the young lady at the keyboard, who is presumably attempting to write her book report on Of Mice And Men or whatever, looks shocked and almost hypnotized at suddenly being confronted with this sign of mechanical sentience. Presumably the monitor will soon be filled with a series of flashing, quarter-second images of static and pulsing color patterns, which will cause her head to explode.

Spider-Man, 2/2/09

Our Spider-Man trip through memory lane reveals that Peter Parker is and always has been the dumbest person of any kind who has ever lived. “It’s hard to hide my Spider-Man costume while I’m a guest at Aunt May’s! I’ll just cram it under the couch cushions in the living room, while she’s right here in front of me! Fortunately, this terrible mauve piece of Depression-era furniture is already so lumpy that there’s no way she’ll feel it when she sits here to watch her stories.”

I was going to suggest that Peter think about storing his costume in his room, where he might have a smidge of privacy, but then I was struck by his description of himself as a “guest.” Maybe Aunt May thinks that he should be living in a dorm, having sex and doing drugs like a normal college student, and thus is trying to get him out of her house by making his stay as awkward and uncomfortable as possible. “Peter, dear, you don’t mind sleeping on the couch, do you? I’d hate to have to take my collection of commemorative Hummel figurines out of the guest bedroom.”

Meanwhile, Electro continues his flashback soliloquy, establishing the fact that he’s both a failure and a dick.

Mary Worth, 2/2/09

“In fact, now that I’m not micromanaging my daughter’s career so much, I have more time to commit to my new supervillain persona, the Harlequin! Say, have you seen my mask? I’ve got a bank to rob!”

Marmaduke, 2/2/09

Marmaduke really likes a buffet.