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Beetle Bailey, Ziggy, The Better Half, 9/29/08

Cartoonists have always known that technology is funny all by itself, so there’s no need for frills like an actual joke — perfect for a lazy Monday! I’m sure that when the inscriptions at Lascaux are finally translated from the proto-Gallic, at least one will read, “OMG — TEH FIREZ! TEH SPEARZ! ROFLMAO”!

Apartment 3G, 9/29/08

Hey, it’s really Alan, and he’s not only merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead! That means something actually happened in slow-as-molasses Apartment 3G — mere weeks after Dewey Cheatham bought the farm in that Sultan of Stasis, Judge Parker. Maybe the authors finally gave up trying to spin their characters’ endless chattering into some kind of plot and rose up like Gary Larson’s vulture to proclaim, “I’m tired of waiting — let’s kill something!” We can only hope.

Mary Worth, 9/29/08

No such risk here! After endless weeks of first the bank’s and then victim-turned-consultant Terry Bryson’s attempts to calm Toby down after her non-crisis, Mary now asks for a (doubtless week-long) recap of the non-events. You can tell Toby’s learned her lesson, though. From the steely glint in her eye and the firm set of her chin, you know she’s headed right back to enormoushop.com to download that “Safety Cats” security screensaver before this nightmare can happen again!

I’m sitting in for Josh this week — you can reach me for site-related issues like server problems or comments caught in the spam filter at bio@jfruh.com, which forwards to me for the duration. If you need to reach Josh personally, use jfruh@jfruh.com, but expect delays.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Slylock Fox, 9/23/08

Holy mother of God, do I even want to know what the hell is going on in this cartoon? It’s possible that our towheaded youngster is proudly showing off some sort of disassembled taxidermy form, but it seems more likely that he’s going to put on his fursuit and ask the doctor to diagnose his other personality, “Fuzzy Wuzzy.” More disturbing yet is how intrigued the elderly medico is by the whole thing.

Dick Tracy, 9/23/08

In Dick Tracy, Dick learns that Diet Smith’s robocop Traze-R comes with a “mobile transporter,” which is apparently fancy inventor talk for “tractor-trailer truck.” Which the robot needs to get from place to place despite the fact it has, you know, wheels. Dick Tracy remains a howling narrative void of madness, is what I’m trying to say.

Dennis the Menace, 9/23/08

I was going to file this under “crazy and/or stupid” rather than “menacing,” but then I caught sight of the look of panic and distress on the piggy bank’s face. I suppose the torment and murder of anthropomorphic objects has a certain air of menace about it.

Mary Worth, 9/23/08

Toby, are you … going on the Internet? With this total stranger lady sitting right next to you? Have you learned nothing? OH MY GOD SHE COULD BE PHISHING YOU RIGHT NOW!

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Mary Worth, 9/15/08

I’m pretty sure this is the opening scene of a lesbian porno flick. Based on Toby’s outfit, I’m assuming it was filmed in 1985 or so.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/15/08

And the savage beat-down begins … right about now. Sadly, Funky looks so depressed that I don’t think I’ll be able to bring myself to enjoy it.