Post Content

Gil Thorp, 9/2/08

Wait … in panel two … is that … YES! COACH KAZ’S EARRINGS ARE BACK! COACH KAZ’S EARRINGS ARE BACK! This, along with the shadowy figure lurking in the back of the equipment shed (no doubt with an axe) has me so excited that I’m willing to forgive the fact that in panel three we’re being shown word balloons emerging randomly out of GYM rather than some kind of crazy homoerotic mass “group physical” featuring dozens of teenage boys and the author of I Know This Much Is True.

By the way, any guesses on the Very Special Affliction that is keeping some player to be named later off of this year’s gridiron squad? Scabies? Testicular cancer? Bighandulism?

Funky Winkerbean, 9/2/08

Thank goodness for my faithful commentors, who informed us all that Susan Smith Westbrook was the student who pre-time-jump fell in love with mopey Les for some reason and tried to kill herself when he didn’t return her mopey advances. Naturally this strip will be completely baffling to anyone who isn’t privy to this information, even if, like me, they’ve been following Funky Winkerbean faithfully for the last three years. Anyway, Susan’s thousand-mile stare in panel three promises more psychotic hijinks to come. She looks like she’s spent most of her life fleeing across Darfur one step ahead of genocidal militias — or, you know, like she’s a character in Funky Winkerbean.

Archie, 9/2/08

At first I was going to guess that “SHOOOM! KA-BLAM!” represented Archie ka-blamming in his pants as he finally gets to first base with Veronica. But on closer inspection of panel three, I think that’s a transcription of the noises his spine makes as he attempts to twist around for optimal out-making while keeping his crotch pointed firmly away from his partner, as the strict puritan movie theater rules demand.

Mary Worth, 9/2/08

“Easy for you to say … since you’re sitting in front of a computer … and can just do exactly what you described with the touch of a button … oh, God, this so so horrible!” [uncontrollable sobbing, etc.]

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/2/08

“Yes, she’s a desperate, lonely old woman, possibly in the early stages of dementia! Better cash that check before someone responsible gets wind of it!”

Post Content

Mary Worth, 8/29/08

DEAR BELOVED,

GREETINGS! MY NAME IS ELEANOR PATTERSON, THE WIDOW OF JOSEPH PATTERSON, LATE CANADIAN MINISTER OF TRANSPORT, INFRASTRUCTURE AND COMMUNITIES. I HAVE ELECTED TO WRITE TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE OF GOOD HEART. PLEASE DO NOT BETRAY MY TRUST, EH?

BEFORE MY HUSBAND PASSED TO BE WITH GOD, HE WAS IN RECIPIENT OF OVER $1.2 MILLION CANADIAN OF FUNDS FOR THE NATIONAL RAILROAD CORPOROTIAN. WE ARE IN NEED TO HAVE THIS MONEY IN AN ACCOUNT IN OUR NAME IN THE UNITED STATES. IF YOU WOULD ALLOW US TO HOLD OUR FUNDS IN YOUR ACCOUNT TEMPORARILY, WE WOULD BE MOST GRACIOUSLY HAPPY AND WOULD ALLOW YOU TO KEEP 10 PERCENT FOR YOUR TROUBLE.

MY NEW SON-IN-LAW IS AN ACCOUNTANT AND WILL MAKE ALL THE NECESSARY ARRANGEMENTS. WE HAVE ALREADY USED A NUMBER OF DONATED SERVICES FOR THE WEDDING TO LAUNDER SOME OF THIS MONEY, BUT THERE IS STILL MUCH MORE TO MAKE LEGAL. IF YOU ARE WILLING TO HELP US IN THIS ENDEVOUR, PLEASE SEND YOUR NAME, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER TO ANTHONY CAINE, C/O GORDO’S WORLD O’ CARS AND CINNAMON BUNS, MILLBOROUGH, ONTARIO, 83Z YT2. PLEASE DO THIS QUICKLY AND WE WILL THROW IN SOME TIM HORTONS TIMBITS.

GO WITH GOD
ELLIE

Apartment 3-G, 8/29/08

What are we to make of Lu Ann’s two-timing? She has always struck me as too naive and open-hearted to cheat, but maybe she’s also too dumb to even realize what cheating is. “Alan, you don’t understand! Jack was just using his tongue to make sure I didn’t have any cavities in my molars. It’s so much more fun than going to the regular dentist!”

I love that Margo even sasses in her thought balloons. It’s good to keep in practice. I don’t for a minute buy the idea that sunshine could restore her spirits, however. I see her as the type who, when confronted with God’s honest daylight, hisses and covers her face with her hand, then scurries away into the nearest bar.

Post Content

Spider-Man, 8/28/08

Ah, the Spider-Man newspaper strip at its best: Peter Parker bursts into Jonah’s office full of righteous anger, only to have it quickly devolve into panic that his wife is a better photographer than he is and worry that his boss will find out he caught a minor and easily communicable ailment from him. The thought balloon in panel two promises a particularly delicious downward self-esteem spiral on Peter’s part in the coming weeks.

Mark Trail, 8/28/08

Those rocks may be too heavy to be wedged out by long sticks, but they’re surely no match for MARK’S FISTS!

Mary Worth, 8/28/08

“I don’t get it! I never use my card, except when I buy things!”