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Slylock Fox, 7/6/08

Never mind Count Weirdly’s unnecessarily complex plastic-ice-cube-based alibi for his rather pedestrian Best Buy theft. How could the callous Count have left his menagerie of beasties alone without fresh food and water during his long trip? Whatever food the fish and the vulture were left with has been reduced to mere bones, and the hairy thing in the cage appears to just be urinating all over the floor. I don’t even want to think about how long it’s been since the brain in the jar has been watered. Perhaps Weirdly’s pointless computer crime was just an elaborate, roundabout way to get Slylock and Max to come and feed his pets, or possibly be eaten by them.

I love the aging hippie in the Six Differences. Perhaps he’s taking his grandson on a tour of America’s diners, his aging psychedelic van still blaring “Freedom Rock” out of the 8-track player as they roam our nation’s byways.

For Better Or For Worse, 7/6/08

Grandma Marion is learning the sad truth about the comics afterlife: despite the fact that you no doubt remember yourself as the ravishing young bride who actually wore the dress that you’re ectoplasmically helping to mend, you instead only get to come back as aged and potato-nosed. You’re also wearing an apron, because even in the Great Beyond, you’re expected to cook.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/6/08

The muscle-flexing, mustachioed cop in the next-to-last panel seriously led me to believe that this was the set-up for some kind of gay erotica. Since it involves the cast of Funky Winkerbean, it would be part of an extremely specific genre known as “mope porn.”

Mary Worth, 7/6/08

Speaking of mope porn … wow, Dr. Jeff has sure reached some kind of horrifying nadir of self-abasement. Will every man who lusts after Mary’s sensibly clad bod have his will broken before he can be truly worthy of her love? Aldo’s rough wooing was action of a sort, and though it led to his humiliation and horrible death, at least he didn’t spend his time slouching around the house drunkenly thought-ballooning at her picture.

Panel from Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/6/08

“Clam down” is going to be my new all-purpose reaction to people who sound like crazy men. If they are actually crazy, it’ll freak the hell out of them. “CLAM DOWN, MAN! CLAM DOWN! OYSTER! CLAM CLAM! BIVALVE!”

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Wizard of Id, 7/3/08

This is one of an alarming number of Wizard of Ids that make me laugh due to sheer immature misanthropy, but since I’m the Comics Curmudgeon, after reading it I paused to see if I could figure out how to make it even more immaturely misanthropic. And the answer quickly became pretty obvious: the punchline in panel two should clearly be not “your sister” but “your mom”. Am I right? Is there no room for “your mom” jokes in the funny pages? Some sort of conspiracy of good taste? Would not every strip benefit from a healthy dose of “your mom” jokes?

Mary Worth, 7/3/08

“This reminds me of a similar situation! I have a suggestion … why don’t you convince Mr. Abner’s long-standing girlfriend to go out on a date with another man, and have her picture put in the paper, humiliating him, and then she shouldn’t return any of his phone calls when he tries to work things out? Because that’s what happened to me, and I feel totally 100 percent fine, so I’m sure he’ll feel fine when it happens to him, right? Yeah, I feel pretty great. Doing fine. Yup!”

(Alternate punchline: “I have a suggestion … I’m going to go do your mom. Later!” See, isn’t that a nice change of pace?)

Curtis, 7/3/08

Hmm, “Honeystump,” that sounds kind of suggestive, but what sort of specific thing could it be a reference to? Well, I suppose … no, wait that’s disgusting; or maybe — no no no ew no! But it could be yargh that’s not an image I need in my head so early in the morning. Thanks, Curtis, thanks a lot.

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Phantom, 7/1/2008

Joke’s on you, Stripey — this guy’s just as crazy as you are, and has a much better claim to the premises. You two “heroes” work it out among yourselves — just stay the hell off our streets.

Curtis, 7/1/2008

Yup — no stereotyping here.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/1/2008

Les and Santa there look a little too happy about Tony’s return, in a way that can’t bode well for Funky. And from the shaky grasp of the English language betrayed in panel three, things aren’t looking up for author Tom Batiuk, either.

Gasoline Alley, 7/1/2008

Ah, the fog parts and all becomes clear: The Humiliation of Rufus, Part XXVII reveals the futility of his dreams of glory, and betrayal of his unconditional love by the kitten he saved. On the plus side, he’s ready for a major part in Funky Winkerbean or Crankshaft.

Mary Worth, 7/1/2008

In the harsh glare of Mary’s intrusiveness, it’s easy to overlook the soft glow of her unrelenting pettiness. Here, she spurns her new (entirely hypothetical) love interest on the basis of his distaste for her beloved seafood: “Don’t like scrod? Then no, by God!”

Hey, everybody — Josh is back! Look for an “I’m back” post sometime Tuesday afternoon, followed by the generous banquet of the Joshy goodness we’ve all come to know and love. Thanks!

— Uncle Lumpy