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Gil Thorp, 11/14/07

Oh, Gil, Gil, Gil. I know that your desperate need to salvage some shred of dignity out of this season has lead to radical measures, like actually coaching, but surely you know that the reason your team is in this mess in the first place is because they’re not only athletically untalented, but incredibly dim. Building an offense around trickery and cleverness is doomed to failure in too many ways to even begin to describe. You’ll be lucky if the team hasn’t accidentally set itself on fire by the end of the first quarter. Gil’s fear that any other team might be trying to find out about the Mudlarks’ top secret plans is hilariously misplaced as indicated by the sadly deserted hall outside of LOCKER LOCKER, completely devoid of spies from rival high schools or snoopy reporters looking for a scoop.

There are so many more interesting phrases that could have followed “those years” in panel two. “Picking pockets,” for one. Or maybe “working as a magician at children’s parties.”

Mark Trail, 11/14/07

Today’s Mark Trail is yet another example of a recurring phenomenon in which I think the chatter of commentors has prepared me for the action in a strip, only to still be blown away when confronted with the reality. As so many of you noted, Johnny clearly isn’t punching Malone; he’s rubbing his fist in the cigar-smoking cad’s face, forcing his nemesis to smell whatever foul-smelling substance he’s smeared across his knuckles (don’t think about what that might be don’t think about what that might be).

The depiction of that saucy, arrogant Malone in panels one and two is actually quite charming. He looks like he just strode off of some Merchant Marine freighter, circa 1943, and if the Nazis tried their best to send him to the bottom of the Atlantic and failed, he’s not going to let some pissy little French Canadian discombobulate him with his stinky hand.

Mary Worth, 11/14/07

WAIT WHAT MARY DIDN’T CHECK THE CONDO BYLAWS BEFORE BRINGING HOME A DOG? HAS SHE GONE COMPLETELY INSANE? The condo bylaws are like sacred scriptures to Mary (as indicated by the fact that she keeps them in the upper drawer of her dresser, as if they were a Gideon’s Bible) and now she’s throwing ALL THAT AWAY because of some yapping pooping little mutt? Oh, Mary, the other condo-dwellers will be right to chase you out of Charterstone with torches and pitchforks — not because you’ve violated the condo codes, but because you’re obviously some kind of reverse pod person impostor who actually has normal human emotions.

B.C., 11/14/07

Today’s B.C. took on a current event in a weird, loopy, mushy way that didn’t make much sense and also wasn’t funny. Somewhere, Johnny Hart must be so proud.

Pluggers, 11/14/07

Pluggers hate foreign food almost as much as they hate actual foreigners.

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Dick Tracy, 11/13/07

This week’s award for worst punctuated sentence containing unnecessary exposition: “But why Tracy? Why, me, the mayor?”

Hagar the Horrible, 11/13/07

Straightforward responses to honest questions: Not funny. Straightforward responses to honest questions on a desert island: Funny!

No, wait, I meant not funny. My mistake.

Mark Trail, 11/13/07

“I’ll fix him with my bare hands … which I’ll use to remove my pants!”

Spider-Man, 11/13/07

All future Spider-Man strips will consist entirely of the title character aimlessly web-slinging around New York as he explains what has already happened and what’s about to happen in the current plot. This change will represent a marked improvement.

Family Circus, 11/13/07

Ha ha! Jeffy thinks he’s going to college!

Wizard of Id, 11/13/07

Ha ha! This peasant is so terrified at the prospect of being strangled to death that he fainted!

Mary Worth, 11/13/07

HOLY CRAP THAT DOG’S FACE IS THE SCARIEST THING I’VE SEEN ALL DAY

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Mary Worth, 11/7/07

Possible explanations for the utterly laughable “dog x-ray” on display in the first panel:

• Mary Worth’s vet has an enormous CT scanning device that allows for the creation of a full-body scan of a midsized dog, which is then shrunk down so much as to be completely illegible.
• To save money, the vet just photocopies animals instead of x-raying them, arguing that it’s “basically the same technology.”
• The dog is pregnant, and that’s a sonogram of its tiny dog fetus.
• The dog and the vet are in on some kind of elaborate scam — dog plays dead by the side of the road, vet shows of ambiguous fake x-ray, old biddy comes back with checkbook, and KA-CHING!
• Mary Worth may in fact not be wholly realistic in all respects.

Apartment 3-G, 11/7/07

Man, it really depresses me when a feisty woman tries to make herself over into a shrinking violet just to please some man who can’t even decide on his own hair color. Apparently even Margo can’t stand to see it, as she’s covering her eyes rather than watch her own undoing. Of course, it’s possible that she’s rigged the phone to detonate in Eric’s hand, and is just trying to keep from being blinded in the process.

(By the way, if you find the thought of “Apartment 3-G Alan/Sam slash fiction” even vaguely intriguing, you owe it to yourself to check out this comment from faithful reader SecretMargo.)

Mark Trail, 11/7/07

Uh oh! Li’l Paul Malotte just got cock-college-tuition-money-blocked. I imagine he’s going to stride into the trading post and forcefully confront Bull Malone about how his unethical competitive practices are hurting the reputation of the increasingly lucrative full-service guided camping package market. And because he’s wearing a baby blue fringy jacket with matching equestrian cap, it will be the funniest shit you’ll ever see in your life.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/7/07

“Yup! Sullen, passive-aggressive, and unhelpful! It’s uncanny!”