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Crankshaft, 3/7/07

Wow! What’s that you say? A beleaguered woman cast aside her frumpy hausfrau garb, revealing an outfit resembling of that of a superhero? And began running after the bus that had spurned her, like some sort of avenging angel? Boy, that sounds like quite an arresting and potentially amusing image! If only there were some way I could, you know, see it. But how on earth would the comics medium allow me to do that? I’ll just look at the back of this old man’s head as he describes the incident to no one in particular.

Mary Worth, 3/7/07

There’s been a lot of joy in Curmudgeonville about Mary Worth today, with its obvious reference to everyone’s famous dead alcoholic Captain Kangaroo lookalike stalker; some have been so bold as to proclaim the beginning of “Aldomania 2007.” I’m not going to get emotionally invested just yet. I got all excited a few months ago about the return of Tommie the tweaker, and while we did get an awesome look at him waving a tiny bible at his mother, he was just used as a prop in a larger, much duller play. Maybe in a few weeks Ella will be laughing maniacally as she holds up Aldo’s severed head, which has been reanimated through the dark arts and is ordering Mary to beg for forgiveness, but more likely there’s just going to be a lot of platitudes about forgiving yourself and blah blah frickin’ BLAH.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/7/07

Well, the gunplay might have taken all of a day or two and been resolved without intervention from any of the major characters, but the protracted battle with Child Protective Services has just begun! Yes, no comics feature brings you the gripping drama of negotiating with byzantine government bureaucracies the way Rex Morgan, M.D., does. Remember June’s interminable struggle with the DMV? Well, that was just the beginning! TASTE THE EXCITEMENT!

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Sunday comics coming Monday morning, but let’s start off your week with the best of the comments of last week. First off, this week’s COTW:

“Brad’s black walls don’t do much for me, but the fact that he and TJ managed to paint half the room in 10 minutes is pretty damned impressive. I’d let ’em both paint my living room … but only in the very literal sense of the phrase.” –Cornwhacker

And the CsalmostoftheTW:

“LuAnn, I think ‘genius’ is spelled c-r-y-s-t-a-l m-e-t-h.” –AdamBa

“Why has no one commented on ‘I missed you too, Mary!… and the wise advice you dispense!’ Terrible. ‘I missed you too, [name]!… and [your primary character attribute]!’ ‘I missed you too, Reggie!… and your IS JERK!'” –Foobar

“I’m sorry, ‘litter bugs?’ That’s it, Family Circus, I don’t know why, but that’s it. I am now going to do everything within my power to stop you from being syndicated nationwide. Of course, that pretty much just includes this blog comment, so you’re off the hook. THIS TIME!” –Joe

“Did anyone comment on the look on Wally’s face at the end of the Saturday FW? It was like ‘Dead? If only.'” –gh

“What about June’s giant mammary cones of persuasion? She’s got a time machine hidden somewhere around the house or clinic, because the only place to buy bras like that is 1956.” –Squid Countess

“Jeez, not the ‘I am energy’ line. Seriously, I’ve never seen a ghost work harder to get into a woman’s pants. We get it! You’re a sensitive dead artist who can turn into cocaine! Now just bed her already!” –Lettuce

“I thought I was channeling an artistic genius once, but I was just light-headed from my roommate repeatedly farting in our tiny apartment.” –smacky

“If I were Arfo, I’d be more concerned about my exact duplicate, sitting just a few seats down. Maybe he’s Bizzaro Arfo! ‘Me love urban living! Me rent one-bedroom apartment in downtown high rise! Me want to live in culturally diverse area!'” –Lyman Returns

“I’d like to know what Dennis the Milquetoast did to deserve being put in the chair. As usual, all the actual misbehaving takes place off stage. It’s like watching Apocalypse Now with no guns and no Robert Duvall.” –dramashoes

“Why the hell does Dr. Cory’s daughter look just like Mary? Wouldn’t that be creepy? I mean creepier than dating Mary would be normally.” –reader-who-posts

“(DT)GT: This story line reminds me of an episode of Veronica Mars, if Veronica Mars was interminably slow and acted by ugly people.” –Mumbles

“I can’t wait to find out what Elvis shot. My guess is that he shot off one of his toes; what makes this funny is that he probably didn’t have 10 toes to begin with.” –The Avocado Avenger

“So, in conclusion, you’re a plugger if you are producing somewhat awkward syntax.” –Skullturf Q. Beavispants

“I don’t get the joke which, with Crock, is the best thing you can possibly hope for.” –King Folderol

“Yes, Pluggers has a Webpage. And yes, I was on it. WHO WANTS TO TOUCH ME!?” –Prehumous

“If anybody ever wondered what former Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney would look like in excessively fabulous drag, today’s Dick Tracy will answer your question.” –monkey.dave

“Brad hasn’t been in that house more than two hours before he screwed up his end of the lease. And people say today’s young people aren’t motivated!” –andreavis

“I’m sure Tom Armstrong knows ‘like that popular toy’ is a ridiculous thing to say but gritted his teeth and wrote it that way because he didn’t want to date his comic with a short-lived cultural reference. No doubt he wants future generations to be able to appreciate the message of his comic just as well as our generation. (That message, of course, is ‘babies don’t know how to make jokes.’)” –Francis

“Dan’s scheme is fool-proof; an insurance company wouldn’t drag the lake since it is, in actuality, a near-bottomless plot hole filled with rain water.” –steven

“Having lived in the Cape Fear area for quite some time, I am familiar with things that one might say around large bodies of water. ‘COME ON, DAN, COME TO THE SURFACE!’ is not one of those things.” –uncle balustrade

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Finally, I would be deeply remiss if I didn’t point that the fine Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has offered up a point-counterpoint debate on whether or not Mary Worth is a decent human being. The case against is written by Bob Braughler, aka faithful reader and commentor Smitty Smedlap (who also has his own fine blog). There’s also an insane defense of Mary Worth’s virtue and an intriguing interview with Mary Worth writer Karen Moy. (Fun fact: Before Moy took over, plotlines routinely lasted eighteen months or more; the current three-stories-a-year pace is breakneck speed by historical standards.)

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Pluggers, 2/28/07

Do you know what really offends me about this Pluggers? It’s not that it puts me, as someone who still gets his televised entertainment over the air, into the ranks of pluggerdom; I can deal with that. (And by the way, I haven’t purchased a new set of rabbit ears in more than ten years, so I’ve out-pluggered Mr. Bald Dog Plugger Man! Ha!)

No, it’s that this panel doesn’t contain the patented Pluggers play on words or little twist. It’s the one thing Pluggers does, and here it is refusing to do it. “You’re a plugger if you seek to purchase rarely used but still useful electronic equipment”? That’s crap. Here, this is what it should have been: “Pluggers wish on their lucky rabbit ears that they’ll get good signal for the big game,” with a drawing of the Rhino-Man wearing his team’s jersey and adjusting his TV antenna. DON’T MAKE ME DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU, PLUGGERS!

Apartment 3-G, 2/28/07

It’s possible that Katy is getting chemo treatments and we’re about to get a Very Special Apartment 3-G Storyline. It’s also possible that this is the artist’s idea of a hip-looking young woman. It’s not possible that anyone in Katy’s age range (which I put at somewhere between 15 and 40) would allow her uncle to plan her birthday party for her, nor is it possible that she would utter the phrase “Oh, cool! You’re the event planner!”

Crock, 2/28/07

As a native of Buffalo, I’m offended by the implication that the inhabitants of the Queen City of the Great Lakes are all voodoo priests, hungry for chicken blood. As someone who might one day require a blood transfusion, I’m offended that anyone might think that a chicken-to-human transfusion is even possible. As someone with eyes and taste, I’m offended by Crock in general.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 2/28/07

As usual, there’s enough material to analyze in this TDIET to fill out a good-sized Ph.D. thesis, but I’ll satisfy myself with the following:

• It’s a good thing that Shalimar is identified as a “teener” in the top panel, because otherwise I would have pegged her as a “same age as her motherer”.
• What with the floppy bow-tie, ponytail, and bad teeth, Shalimar seems to have wedded the least attractive member of James Monroe’s cabinet.
• “Shalimar”?

By the way, those of you who enjoy TDIET but don’t regularly read Ruben Bolling’s Tom the Dancing Bug should check out today’s installment. You’ll have to sit through an ad to get to the cartoon if you aren’t a Salon.com subscriber, but it’s worth it.

Mary Worth, 2/28/07

I’m not sure what’s more hideous: Mary’s aqua/urine-colored ensemble, or the pug-faced little child at the bottom left of the first panel.

Slylock Fox, 2/28/07

So, remember that Funky Winkerbean from last week where it looked like Wally got blown up (but really he didn’t)? Well, apparently it offended somebody (no, really). And yet the blatant phallic banana in this Slylock Fox will in all likelihood not draw a single letter to the editor anywhere in the country.