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Apartment 3-G, 12/17/06

Actual exchange between Mrs. C. and myself on the topic of this comic only moments ago:

Mrs. C.: Is she supposed to be really attractive or something?

Me: I’m unconvinced.

Seriously, I really hope that the Magical Power Of Ghost Albert Pinkham Ryder is making Lu Ann supernaturally attractive, because otherwise I am calling shenaningans on her ability to instantly cast a spell on nerdy cultural service types everywhere. Last week it was the shouty librarian; this week it appears to be a young Trent Lott.

FYI, least effective pick-up line ever: “I’m a docent!”

Mary Worth, 12/17/06

The terrible trio lined up in panel one is frankly giving me the creeps. “Tom Dewey took on the mob! Now he must face this nefarious trifecta of supervillans. The Green Beast! Psychic Canary! And, their leader … the Scarlet Bouffant!”

With all the pointing and lunging and shucking and jiving going on here, someone better at that sort of thing than me ought to try to set this dialogue to a toe-tapping tune. It could form the triumphant climax to Condo Association Rules: The Musical! Which reminds me that I have been totally neglectful in not linking to this totally awesome thing. I forgot now which one of you created this masterpiece; please, stand up and take a bow in the comments and I’ll give you the props you deserve.

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Slylock Fox, 12/12/06

I’m going to admit it right here in front of the whole world: I like Slylock Fox. I can’t really handle the brain teasers, which I don’t have the attention span for and which I think are kind of rigged anyway, but I enjoy the wealth of detail in the artwork: there’s clearly a lot of thought that goes into it. Today, for instance, we get a little wordless vignette of jealousy and betrayal. I’m sure our older, exotic Mediterranean waitress has been over-smiled at by many a teen boy, but that doesn’t make our all-American girlfriend feel any better. Also, the restaurant appears to be lousy with cats, in violation of the city health code.

Luann, 12/12/06

Just in time for Christmas, it’s … A Very Puddles Christmas! Featuring Puddles, the tiny, sleepy, non-trick-doing dog! And Emily the mail lady, his best friend! (See, dogs and US Post Office employees can get along!) Join us as Puddles takes a magical journey to see Santa! He’ll learn a lot about himself and the real meaning of Christmas, and about just how important family is! Also, there will be urination jokes!

Seriously, what the hell is this. Talking dog? Talking, bipedal dog? This is very much not what Luann is about. Can’t we get back to the Brad house renov … er, I mean the Brand-Toni-Di … er, no wait, I mean Luann and Aaro … no, how about Luann and Gunth … um, maybe Bernice and Zan … oh, whatever, bring on the elves.

Mary Worth, 12/12/06

You know, Ella, I wouldn’t throw around the “w” word if I were you, as I’m betting the condo association has some pretty strict rules about the dark arts. I’d hate to see the next Chaterstone Pool Party feature you getting burned at the stake.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/12/06

HAW HAW! Now here’s some political commentary we can all get behind! Those politicians! They think one thing and say another! It seems as if their chief goal is getting re-elected! Sometimes they are corrupt and unethical! You tell ’em, Grandpa Jim!

Is it just me, or is peppering an aphasic with questions about his aphasia as he sits there in frustrated silence some kind of cruel joke? “Say, Mr. Patterson, that’s a nice watch. Do you mind if I take it? If you mind, just say something … now. OK, guess I’ll be taking it, then!”

Apartment 3-G, 12/12/06

Another excellent diagnosis, Nurse Thompson! I’m assuming by “feverish,” you mean “coked to the gills.”

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Apartment 3-G, 12/10/06

In an attempt to recapture the magic of one of the greatest Apartment 3-Gs in recent memory, Lu Ann is taking a magical trip to the world-renowned New York City public library. She’s looking for knowledge, but she’s sadly found only another romantic interest, albeit one who, with his reddish hair, glasses, and marginally softer features, is distinguishable from the classic boring A3G male type. Our bookworm is so deeply and erotically charged by Lu Ann’s mere presence that, in order to win her attention and affections, he’s transgressing the ultimate librarian taboo and actually shouting in the library.

Blondie, 12/10/06

I’m going to pass over the little drama of burning jealousy and suppressed lust that makes up the supposedly innocent humor of this strip today and just point out that the two throwaway panels at the top — which aren’t used in some layouts and thus need to be removable — are the biggest “fuck you” to the very concept of throwaway panels I’ve ever seen. Since their expressions are unchanged in all three, I can only assume that our young hunk was leering at Blondie, and Dagwood was raging inwardly, and Blondie was feeling genuine sexual arousal for the first time in years, for the entire time it took for them to walk the length of a city block.

Judge Parker, 12/10/06

I don’t mean to be a killjoy. I certainly wouldn’t want to deny us, the long-suffering readers of Judge Parker, the genuine pleasure to be had in Celeste Black’s spectacular drunken meltdown, or in Reggie’s ineffectual response. I’m not sure if I’m willing to forgive Sam and Randy’s smug satisfaction, however. After all, having an insane lush for a wife shouldn’t disqualify one for the bench per se; neither of course, should bachelorhood and/or homosexuality, which is why Reggie has clearly brought this upon himself. But there’s still a little thing called HIPAA that’s there for a reason. My prediction is that we’re going to find out that Horace is working as some kind of freelance ultra-low-rent Karl Rove and leaked this information to the press, and that Randy, distancing himself from old-time machine politics, will have to Do The Right Thing and sever ties with his old family friend, possibly by having his CIA agent girlfriend murder him in his sleep.

(For those keeping track, incidentally, this Sunday strip is the work of the temporarily unavailable Eduardo Baretto, as Sundays need to be prepared a few weeks in advance of the weeklies.)

Mary Worth, 12/10/06

You know, we all got very jazzed up about Mary during the glory and excitement that was Aldomania. But this strip reminds us what Mary Worth is and truly ought to be all about: relentless petty outrage over stupid, meaningless things. That and pointing. Lots and lots of vigorous pointing. I love Mary’s look of surprise in the final panel, and Ella’s attempt to put on her “Who me? I’m a harmless old lady! Ha ha!” face. Ian, resplendent as always in his Astroturf jacket, is unimpressed by Dent’s j’accuse: he seems to be thinking, “Look buddy, last month I was an accomplice to murder, and condo board power plays do not impress me any more.”

Fun game for the coming months: In how many upcoming Mary Worth installments will we be able to construe Gary Dent’s rambling diatribes as accusations that Ella is a prostitute?

Beetle Bailey, 12/10/06

This installment of “How to turn a public domain Department of Defense informational pamphlet about the Pentagon into a comic strip and still make your 1 p.m. tee time” has been brought to you by Beetle Bailey.