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OK, comments of the week are coming momentarily! But first, a few items of interest. I begin with what is for me an extremely rare non-paid endorsement of a thing you have to buy for money. I have been looking forward for a while to I Saw You. This book is edited by Julia Wertz (of The Fart Party fame) and has comics from a number of up and coming cartoonists, all based on Missed Connections ads from Craigslist. Now it is here and it is pretty cool! I urge you to check it out.

Also! You have no doubt been breathlessly awaiting the appearance of another Protectors Of The Earth video! Well, wait no longer, ’cause here it is:

And now, with that out of the way … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“The thing about Mary Worth’s outfit is this: I wore the same thing once. Of course, it was 1995, I was 15, and I hated myself.” –Anne

And the runners up — very funny! Every week this list gets longer — I think y’all are just getting funnier:

“‘I don’t know what your problem is, Ken, but it DOESN’T INVOLVE ME!’ Something Mary Worth will never ever say.” –Bootsy

“June hasn’t seen Rex’s medical ‘staff’ in years, and when she does it’s always on strike. There’s also a bowling metaphor I can’t work in there just yet.” –sugarpie

“Should we be glad that the items on the belt are not drawn with greater clarity? I mean, six-pack of what?” –NoVan

“Momma has more than one son? I would say ‘how could I miss that?’ but I’m pretty sure it’s from studiously not paying attention.” –A New Day

“I suspect most fans of legacy strips are illiterate and are just relieved to see a familiar face in the morning. ‘Sarge is still fat? Good, the world makes sense.'” –Donald the Anarchist

“I see that Les geared up for his writing session by spiking his coffee with mescaline. Honestly, it’s the best decision anyone has made in the Funkyverse in months.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Where I come from, deer are skittish around two violent men bringing the fists, as well as around anything else that moves or breathes. But Mark’s battery is so fluid as to actually soothe nervous fauna.” –Edgy DC

“Fantasizing about your dead wife is one thing, but that he always imagines her dressed as an auto mechanic is starting to creep me out. Role-playing can be good for a relationship but really man, its time to let her go.” –Eamon

“Can you believe someone just asked Mary Worth to stay longer? Though, in fairness, her Walter Cronkite hairdo and Grunge Barbie ensemble do make for a fascinating juxtaposition.” –Violet

“Even before Frank touched Mary’s shoulder, the events of the previous night were readily apparent, since they both went to the skating rink still wearing their pajamas.” –seismic-2

“Now as Electro, ain’t nothing I can’t do!! Except maintain a shred of my dignity!” –AmazingThor

“Nine hour sex romp? I bet 8.5 of those hours were spent with Mary giving Frank advice on how to find her G-spot.” –Ranger

“‘You’ve been a great host.’ ‘And you’ve been a great parasite.'” –Muffaroo

“The Venn diagram is indeed the Olympic symbol dating from when there were only two continents, Laurasia and Gondwanaland. This was during the early Jurassic era, 180 million years ago, which is of course when Mary Worth was written.” –seismic-2

“I know Zits has a history of repeating the same joke for a week, but this time I’m not even sure what the ‘joke’ is supposed to be. Those communicable diseases, huh? They sure are virulent! I wish there was this much epidemiology in Rex Morgan.” –the grene kni3t

“Electro’s costume is fascinating. Look at those gloves. Is he having some kind of secret contest with himself to see how many jagged appendages he can sport without getting snagged on something?” –Poteet

“Actually, Mary seems to be pressing her fingers to her ears in a desperate attempt to block out horrific memories. Oh! The wind … almost ruffling my hair-helmet … No! The thought of freedom … mine or anyone else’s … too horrible … going to pass out … Is this Frank’s revenge?” –Eldaglass

“Wow, Marvin’s dad has some huge feet. And you know what they say about men with huge feet. But if you think it about Marvin’s dad, you’ll just wind up blowing your brains out. You’re already thinking it, aren’t you? Sorry about that.” –Zeeba Neighba

“Yes, endless freedom. Of the sort that only serious disposable income can provide! Which reminds me, I have to get back to Charterstone and restore law and order and class purity.” –bitter law student

“Marvin has previously known how to speak, then forgotten, so I figure there’s a good chance that he’ll ‘forget’ that he’s potty-trained too. Basically, Marvin is a demon sent to torment these two, who must have done something really bad.” –Mac

“Jesus, Mary Worth + Frank? I think we’ve all dodged a bullet on that one; Mary’s aggressive interference is a primal force of nature, and as such requires an equal, opposite force of cowering, sponge-like submission to cancel it out, hence the existence of Dr. Jeff. Had Mary instead decided to consummate an unholy union with Frank, their conflicting belligerence would have no outlets, leaving the planet as a whole exposed to apocalyptic levels of meaningful glares, raised hands, and indignant finger-pointing.” –Muddtallica

“Do these people not understand their characters are fictional, and do not require payment for years of faithful service?” –Uncle Lumpy, re: Judge Parker’s ludicrous book deal

“The fact that the two business-suited men who look exactly the same in Judge Parker keep changing places as the strip shifts perspective is driving me crazy. It’s a good thing they’re following the Clark Kent rule by having one of them wear glasses, or we’d never have any idea which one’s the boring creep and which one’s the annoying jerk.” –BigTed

“Who else thinks that the ‘And I’m just taking my time about it’ panel of Judge Parker should be in every strip of the feature, as an introduction? On second thought, I think that it would be perfectly acceptable as the only panel.” –peabody

Judge Parker: “Criminy this strip is dull. At least Atticus Finch shot a rabid dog.” –Stroker Ace

“The writers of The Phantom seem awfully confident that they’re constantly bringing in new readers with their never-ending need to explain why Ol’ Purple Tights goes by ‘Walker.’ If I were the 94-year-old shut-in who is no doubt the lone unironic reader this strip still has, I feel like I’d be very offended at the idea that I’d forgotten.” –Windier E. Megatons

“The creepiness of that Phantom is heightened for me by the panel where he’s telling his young charge to be quiet while discreetly chloroforming his horse.” –SecretMargo

“Ugh. I can’t believe I fell for Mary Worth and her stupid, mean bait-and-switch. Not only did she not fall on the ice, but she tricked me into watching stupid Frank make a stupid pass at her. And then Josh comes along and somehow manages to make it even grosser. Is there an emoticon for ‘I just threw up in my mouth, and also my will to live is gone’? I’m guessing it involves the option key.” –Meanwhile

“Since when does Rex Morgan have blue eyes? The only acceptable eye colors for comics characters are newsprint, ink smudge, and flesh.” –Esther Blodgett

“Thanks, for bringing this book contract down, Sam. Now get the fuck out so I can get back to masturbating to the JCPenney bra ad.” –Cranky

“You know how I know Tommie and Gary were made for each other? Gary’s totally inappropriate disgruntled look in panel 3, when Tommie responds to his mild sarcastic banter with equivalently mild sarcastic banter. ‘You took it too far, Tommie,’ he thinks to himself. ‘Too far!'” –teddytoad

“Wait — they’re allowed to KILL things in Mark Trail? I thought his fists were the only violence allowed in this comic; otherwise I would’ve started advocating the wholesale slaughter of the main characters years ago (with the exception of Mark’s fists, of course).” –Alan’s Addiction

“Panel 2 in A3G makes me think of Tommie’s uninspiring, 52 cent future wedding: her fiancé dressed in beige, she in her kerchief, and that mounting tremor going up her body, eyes flicking to watch Margo just sitting there, eyes lowered, as the priest asks if there’s any objection. She’ll wait until the last moment before she objects, of course. Oh, not Margo: she just needs to be in the room and Tommie will do it herself.” –Black Drazon

“Did Gary walk over to the apartment holding his lapels the whole way? ‘Tommie, I LOVE this jacket, but hoo, does it stink! Smell that!'” –Idols of Mud

Also, there was an amusing outbreak earlier of “cartoon character walks into a bar” jokes. My favorite, from dougrogers, was “Mary Worth walks into a bar … eventually.”

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Hey everyone, without further ado, it’s time for your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I think we can safely add Ziggy’s cat to the list of pets he’s having sex with. Someone is keeping this list, right? Not it.” –Cranky

And the many runners up! Man, they are funny.

“Mark Trail’s sex fantasies look like the Boy Scout handbook, sharing a distinctive style characterized by (1) a wealth of informative facts arranged into short, neat paragraphs and (2) a complete absence of sex.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“No, Luann, it doesn’t make you cattle, but it does put you in the 98th pay percentile of prostitutes for your state.” –sugarpie

“Rex looks very Montgomery Clift in Panel 3, I must say. And very Joan Crawford in Panel 2. Neither bode well for June, or explain Sarah.” –teddytoad

“Sam decides that it is finally time to teach Sophie his own technique for dealing with being smarter than everyone else: emotional disengagement, boredom, and condescension. Remember, Sophie, arrogance is more than a social handicap, it’s a psychological defense mechanism!” –Master Softheart

“Thus begins yet another bloodsoaked chapter in ‘Officer’ Tracy’s genocidal campaign against the hideously deformed. And yet the Keane kids with their oversized melon heads somehow escape your homicidal rage. Why God? Why!!!?” –Sunny Mel Blatherscythe

“Who would intentionally leave their son on a cruise ship? By the way, which celebrity do I look like when I make this face? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not NOT Joan Rivers.” –Amanda M

“I think Elmo might be excused for some confusion as to Dagwood’s antiquity, given that the latter is strolling jauntily down the street in a dashing cerulean frock coat carrying an old-timey washboard.” –Violet

“Panel 3 looks to me like Matt Damon & Ben Affleck are hanging out, waiting for an opportunity to show Marty their screenplay for Good Will Hunting 3: Have Good, Will Hunt.” –bobk

“I blame panel 1 on all the cutbacks the newspapers have been making. The editors refuse to give the artist enough room for the art, so these poor high school students are forced into a panel that’s much too small for them. Ultimately, I blame Craigslist.” –PeteMoss

“I love how [Dick Tracy] creates suspense. You have to wait several days just to find out what simple English phrases mean. It’s like if the dictionary had a ‘To be continued’ tag.” –Donald the Anarchist

“Notice how no one in that fancy schmancy restaurant is reflected in the mirror on the wall? Either they’re all vampires and that really IS blood in Mary’s glass, or the mirror just can’t bring itself to double the number of HIDEOUS outfits those diners are wearing. Geez, is that girl still wearing a sweaty warm-up jacket?” –Charterstoned

“The whole abusive husband plus wife with a deer thing in Mark Trail reminds of a story by Arthur Machen or Saki or someone like that. The husband ends up getting impaled.” –Mr. O’Malley

“Mark is taking this news about an emotionally-abusive, violent husband with remarkable calm. I bet he’d have that same expression if he came home and found Cherry lying dead on the floor. He’d call 911, but his mouth would still retain that firm half-smile, the one that says Death is just another bad guy with facial hair.” –Poteet

“Lynn looks like she’s pretty much done with being grief stricken. One victory, and she forgets all about .. you know, what’s his name … dead kid?” –buckyswife

“I like the way Summer, in her own fit of depression about being the second banana on the team, decides that she’s going to drag everyone down with her. Today, it’s Les and the spectre of death. Tomorrow: ‘Hey Funky — do you miss the alcohol-induced haze?’ Next day: ‘Hi Harry, do you miss the sense of hear — I SAID HI HARRY! YES, HELLO! I SAID THAT TO YOU.'” –blammers66

“What exactly is Lois complaining about when she says ‘No lights’ (I’ll just ignore the fact that she’s looking directly at a light while saying it)? No light means that she temporarily doesn’t have to see the rest of her family’s hair, which can only be a good thing.” –peabody

“Dennis’ grasp on reality is bizarrely inconsistent. Note how, even though he’s asleep, he realizes his mother would think her neighbour’s behaviour is strange at best, yet later he is content to make believe it’s still the ’50s, ice cream is still sold in ‘shoppes,’ and Dennis the Menace is still relevant.” –Black Drazon

“OH MY GOD! Margo is an undercover agent hunting the enemies of the Chinese Government! This explains EVERYTHING! Although the modern Chinese government isn’t nearly cruel enough to justify their having Margo in their arsenal. My guess is the storyline is about to involve a time machine, the Cultural Revolution, and a necklace made of skulls. In a subplot, Tommie will attend a movie by herself.” –Lettuce

“I really did think the first panel of Trail was a joke between a cow and a deer. ‘What’s the difference between antlers and horns?’ ‘Gee, Bessie, I don’t know?’ (ribald punchline follows)” –Shmork

“About the only thing Electro’s outsized headgear is good for is preventing him from making a dramatic entrance through a normal door into any room. Maybe he has French doors at home. Maybe that’s why all his crimes are outside.” –trey le parc

“I, for one, embrace our new Laugh Unit overlord as he/it nears fully loaded status. I have prepared the sides and back of my scalp with a hot waffle iron in anticipation.” –migellito

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Post Content

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I need to get to before I present the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Margo is every bit as awe-inspiring and terrifying as all that. Bitch makes me bathroom, what can I say?” –Uncle Lumpy

And the runners-up! Pretty amusing, wouldn’t you say?

“I sure can relate to Ziggy today. Ha! Not really. I didn’t even bother to read it. Do they still publish it?” –PeteMoss

“Margo hates it when her roommates forget the rules. Rule 1: Every conversation in the apartment must be about Margo. Rule 2: Only Margo may initiate conversation. Rule 3: No one may look at Margo at any time!!” –AmazingThor

“So Marvin’s last name is Miller? Sadly, this is the most interesting thing I’ve ever read in Marvin.” –Amanda M

“‘Business to attend to?’ Sure, Margo. Your outfit tells us you are sneaking away to attend Maude-Con 2009, where you are determined to win the costume contest. Say hi to Conrad Bain for us.” –Joe Blevins

“Wow, I really like Cinderella Tommie. And I wouldn’t have thought there was any modifier I could use for ‘Tommie’ that would make that statement true, with the possible exception of ‘zombie.'” –Violet

“Tube-of-toothpaste-cosplay is a special act that should only be practiced within the confines of holy matrimony.” –Dale K.

“Lu Ann calls from South Dakota and asks, ‘So, Tommie, whatcha doin’?’ while twirling the phone cord around her finger. Tommie says ‘Cleaning’ and Lu Ann goes, ‘Cleaning?’ and Tommie says ‘Yeah’ and Lu Ann says ‘Wow! Sounds like fun!’ and then Margo comes back because she forgot her skis and she’s all, like, ‘What the HELL are you doing on the phone? I told you to CLEAN!’ and Tommie mutters ‘Bye, gotta go’ and hangs up. Lu Ann continues to hold the dead phone to her ear saying ‘Hello? HELLO?’ for the next week and a half. The last panel is just a big cloud of dust with a bunch of stars and Margo fists and 3-D words zooming out of it saying stuff like ‘BAM!’ ‘BIFF!’ ‘POW!’ and ‘ZOKKO!'” –mojo

“I sense a hillbilly Belly Laffs series brewing for next week. Tomorrow: Another Diff’rence ’tween Gals an’ Fellers: Pull their pants down.” –Rusty

“Maybe Mr. Wilson is shrinking because every time he sees Dennis, a little part of him dies inside. Oh, wait, that’s me.” –Zeeba Neighba

“‘Last piece, Cayla?’ ‘No, thanks. There’s something unpleasant about the greasy sheen on it. Not unlike your forehead, if I’m being honest.'” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Apparently Kani hasn’t advanced far enough in his training to earn his diapers yet, so maybe he’ll be spared the trauma of returning to Mawitaan for a few more days. I recommend that he wear the diapers when he gets home, because the hysterical laughter they’ll inspire in local toughs will give him a few extra minutes to make his getaway.” –Poteet

“Montoni’s: We’re not satisfied until you’re not satisfied.” –thehollis

“‘I know the owner and can get us a good booth’ — nobody talks like that, first of all, except cartoon characters whose sentence length is dictated by the size of their speech bubbles; second and more important, it’s a PIZZA PLACE. A ‘good booth’ is one whose eating surface has been wiped down with a damp rag at least once in the last twelve hours.” –Mollie

“Phantom delivers with sexy, sexy muscular man-bodi … OH SHIT THEY’RE CHILDREN MUST GO VOMIT” –jaybrrd

“Two over-muscled pre-teens, one of them in a waist-high side-slit diaper, are boxing under the watchful eye of a purple-latex-clad guy in a mask. This doesn’t so much say The Phantom to me as Jack Chick Tract About Castro Street.” –Patrick

“You know, Montoni’s weird rules are strangely reminiscent of the strip itself: Come for the teen pregnancy, suicide attempts, alcoholism, cancer, and mime deaths, stay because you have no choice in the matter.” –zooby

“The cruise line is broke and the crew’s on strike. What’s next, pirates? Or will several of the male crew, including that one who works on deck 5 with the hungry eyes and lean brown thighs and the one from the dining room with the dark wavy hair and easy dimpled smile, catch me in the men’s sauna and hold me down, forcing me to satiate their bottomless lust repeatedly, violating me in unspeakable ways until we all collapse in a sweaty pile on the floor. I’m sorry June, what were you saying? Oh, right, free cruise. By the way, you missed a spot below the knee when you were shaving your right leg. Well, I’m off to the sauna.” –Cranky

“I think ‘Love Fire’ is the name of Dick’s latest poem, which, judging by his turtleneck, Dick is set to perform down at Jumpin’ Joe’s Java and Jazz. Of course, it’s all a cover so’s he can beat up Beatniks.” –Comrade Denny

“ANSWER: Being a wild animal cruelly forced to wear clothes and kept in a cage, Shylock barked pitifully and scrabbled at the bars. When the Count said ‘choose wisely,’ and pushed the cookie between the bars, the ravenous fox yipped and devoured the cookie in one bite. ‘Well played,’ said Weirdly, as his demented henchman opened the other cookie, which of course had ‘no freedom’ inside it. As Weirdly unlocked the cage, Shylock ran around and around inside it, dislodging the deerstalker cap, which had never been that firmly perched on his tiny fox head to begin with.” –Marion Delgado

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