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Hey there, it’s COTW time! But first, as ever, there are Items to share!

• Item the first: faithful reader commodorejohn has composed another comics-inspired instrumental piece! His ode to Apartment 3-G will haunt your dreams.
• Item the second: faithful reader wocket points me to a fabulous blog called Scott Meets The Family Circus, in which the titular Scott enters the twisted world of the Keanes and harasses them.

And now, without further ado, it’s this week’s top comment!

“I’m more than a little disturbed that Andy has been trained to lick objects on command. ‘Ok, fellow, see what you can do with this.'” –BB

And the many hilarious runners up!

“Margo actually knows more drug terminology, but she’s kept it to herself ever since the time she used the phrase ‘shooting up with marijuana’ and a nearby twelve-year-old laughed so hard he had an asthma attack and had to be rushed to the hospital.” –Paul1963

“The people on the boat are obnoxious and hateful; now they’re telling bad puns; I fear that Rex, June, and Sarah are trapped on a Foob cruise.” –ChristianPinko

“The dialogue in Mary Worth may sound stilted, as most of us no longer speak Meddle English.” –Beatrice

“Gee, I hope Mary doesn’t slip and break her hip on that puddle of her own anticipatory drool as she tries to get outside faster.” –Pinokeyo’s Wife

“Sue: Pop, have you seen Mark?
Pop: Yes, yes, I remember him. Good lookin’ fella. Very knowledgeable about waterfowl. Who is this?
Sue: It’s Sue.
Pop: Sue who?
Sue: The woman who’s draining your swamp.
Pop: What swamp? I haven’t seen a swamp around here in a long time.
Sue: That’s because I… never mind. Where’s Mark?
Pop: Oh yes, I went out looking for him yesterday. Then it was time for Judge Judy, and gee, I just plumb forgot to go back out.
Sue: So where is he?
Pop: Dunno. Prob’ly croc turds by now. Who did you say you were, young lady?” –Hogen Mogen

Re: Luann’s Brad fleeing to a monastery: “But what monastery would want him? He has the social skills of a dim twelve-year-old, and his practical skills are doing school programs with a miniature fire truck and buying melons while thinking about breasts. I bet most monasteries aren’t that desperate.” –Poteet

“Brad will spend the whole trip wandering around the beach in his jams and a white crew neck T-shirt carrying a pair of coconuts. Oh, and he’ll be wearing a wide-brimmed hat.” –Pastor Z

“I would really like to see a Mary Worth strip where Lynn’s father gets into a fight with another overbearing figure skater dad while Lynn pleads in the background, ‘Please, Father, take it out of doors!'” –sean b

“I’m guessing that Andy actually couldn’t care less about Mark, and is simply attracted to the lingering odor of decades-old shrimp. Mark’s lime, coconut, and Tabasco-scented cologne only makes the aroma that much more intriguing.” –BigTed

“Amateur fetish model Mark Trail is staring straight into the camera, breaking the fourth wall with a ‘Gee, big boy, I’m all tied up and helpless!’ come-hither look. Like his mentor, Bettie Page, Mark knows that jet-black bangs and feigned innocence are the most powerful aphrodisiacs of all.” –Jessie

“I have always assumed that Mark smells like what ever industrial grade hair product he happens to use. While we never see inside the Trails’ bathroom (thank the Gods for that small favor), we can’t know for certain just what product he uses, but given the texture, sheen, and immovability of Mark’s hair … my money is on Penzoil 30 weight.” –IronMouse

“Sure, Svanhildur is an interesting name, but not half as interesting as those gravity-defying pigtails. I’m not too familiar with Cleats; does the name refer to the way people have to cling to the Earth with their shoes because gravity pulls upward?” –Malta

“Congratulations, you found a Ziggy comic that made me laugh. This means the death penalty.” –Dur Tahar

“…so my father zambonied Greg to death and buried him in our yard.” –Whippersnapper

“I am guessing that Mark, stripped of all punching power, pretty much smells a lot like the puddle of urine he is sitting in.” –AMSTERDANG

“I certainly learned something about swans today: They may look like graceful things of beauty, elegant like objects of romanticized art — but they’re really dangerously angry monsters, deceptively willing to tear you apart for any or no reason. In other words: Swans are all just like Margo.” –Mibbitmaker

“I hope this Mark Trail storyline goes on a little longer. Soon the recaps will take so long that we’ll have a strip that’s nothing but a solid wall of narration boxes being spouted by a condor.” –Black Drazon

“Ziggy is name of Germanic origin meaning ‘victory’ and/or ‘protection.’ I can’t think of a more grossly misnamed character on the comics page. I mean, Margo means ‘pearl,’ which at least describes her pasty, vampiric complexion, and Peter Parker means ‘stone gamekeeper,’ an object as useless as our so-called hero. Revision: an object almost as useless as our so-called hero. A stone gamekeeper at least could be used to stop a bullet or hold open a door, tho’ I wouldn’t mind seeing Peter stop a bullet, after which he could reliably be used as a doorstop.” –Comrade Denny

“With all of those amazing abilities Andy possesses, you’d think he could mix a decent julep.” –Dingo

“‘Whoa, sarcasm!’ I realize that Margo will just likely lay larva in his chest cavity like she does so many other victims of hers, but for a brief instant I think we may have someone who can hold his own against her, at least for a panel or two.” –True Fable

“Lay off Mark’s grammar, everyone! ‘You’re doing good’ is perfectly grammatical; it’s simply that ‘good’ here is a noun rather than an adjective. He is not indicating that Andy is doing well at the task, but rather that untying Mark is an objectively good deed. I am sure it’s simply Mark’s way, just as when training animals, instead of ‘bad dog’, they get a stern ‘you’re doing evil.’ Moral shaming is pretty much Mark’s favorite tactic. Moral shaming with his fists.” –Aelfric

“So let me get this straight — in the world of Apartment 3G, everyone is presumed guilty until proven innocent, but Margo is still allowed to roam freely? How does that make any sense at all? And speaking of proof, I think the detective needs to prove that he’s not actually Eric Mills after a healthy application of Grecian Formula.” –Trilobite

“‘Beetle, is the jeep fixed yet?’ If by ‘fixed’ you mean ‘converted from a rugged military vehicle into a one-seater children’s toy’ … then yes.” –survivor

“Hasn’t Marvin learned to speak? I thought that was a thing. So he’s only thought-ballooning to be an ass. Which, I mean, mission accomplished, really.” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

“The final panel of today’s Mark Trail would be much better with fewer educational text boxes and the addition of a thought balloon over the head of the chickadee on the right. ‘My,’ it thinks to itself, ‘I hadn’t realized until he hung upside down beside me, but Carl has a mighty fine-lookin’ anus!'” –Tom the Pirate

“Wow … look at Mary Worth, panel five. Someone broke the news to her that her crush died so immediately after she won the Junior Championship that she was still wearing her skating outfit and her medal. Who is this, her spiteful arch-nemesis, angry that she only came in runner-up? ‘Oh, hey Lynn, great job winning the competition! By the way, did you hear that the boy you’ve been in love with all year, the only friend you ever had, died? Yeah, I’m so sorry I had to be the one to break it to you. Oh, here are the reporters from the local paper! Have fun with those interviews!'” –Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses

“As for those smugglers, the only evidence we’ve seen is that they smuggle nature writers. Unless: he meant ‘snugglers,’ and all the speculation about swamp sexual hi-jinks came true!” –buckyswife

“The great thing about reading A3G day in and day out is that it grinds the scale of your expectations down to the point where the sudden appearance of a non-blue article of clothing delivers the relative comic-soap impact of a dozen real-life Tunguska events. Did you see that bright yellow shirt today? Holy shit, yeah! You know you did! WHOOO!” –One-eyed Wolfdog

Also worth reading is faithful reader Dingo’s take on the Night Before Christmas.

As the holidays really get going, we offer a hearty HO HO HO to those who put a little cash in my tip jar! And our advertisers understand the true spirit of the season:

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To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Comments of the week in a moment, but first, I must remind you of the existence (and the HOTTTNESSS) of the Hot Blogger Calendar! If you want a glimpse of just what goes on between those covers, you might want to check out the behind-the-scenes Flickr sets from the Jane and Sarah, the ladies who put this whole thing together. And from the set, here’s one that didn’t make the cut into the calendar, but shows the sort of hotness you can expect!

PRETTY SAUCY, RIGHT? That’s why you need to buy the calendar today!

Ahem! In non-half-naked-Josh-news, faithful reader (and former Seinfeld/Simpsons writer, and current cartoonist) Tom Gammill has an instructional video for anyone thinking of being a cartoonist.

Also! I was obviously not the only one captivated by the latest product being sold in greater Milford, Nut Boy (“It’s Nutty!”) Any enterprising designy types out there interested in putting together a kicky logo based on this?

I’m pretty sure those things floating around the words are supposed to be nuts. Nutty nuts. If I pick your design you win, er, eternal glory! And a free t-shirt, with your design on it!

OK, with that all out of the way, let’s talk … COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“‘Some people just don’t want him around here’ is one of the least threatening sounding lines I’ve ever heard. ‘Oh, ok, so … you want me to just drop him off at the next town, then?'” –Smokehouse

And the runners up! So many, but it was a tough week to choose!

“Margo pops her collar like Tommie pops anti-depressants — like a teenage douchebag with nothing but his daddy’s credit card and time.” –Tats

“I have to correct Uncle Lumpy: watching Zombie FOOB for any of the faint pleasures of FOOB is like trying to huff dried paint.” –Crankenstank

“I wonder where the Gil Thorp artists got their understanding of shading. Have they ever actually looked at a shadow? Maybe the team that designs the strip is composed entirely of infants, who believe people’s faces disappear when you’re not looking directly at them.” –Isaac

“Mary has destroyed Lynn’s skating career in a single day. For an experienced meddler, it’s as easy as taking hope away from a baby.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I love that Dr. Blog appears to be putting on his stethoscope in preparation for Leroy’s cavity search. I’m now imagining him shoving the listening bit up Leroy’s butt, enthralled by the sounds of his large intestine. Loretta will be offered a chance to listen, but will respond with just a forgettable snipe. We should be thankful for this, because there are plenty of other figures in the comics who would be only too thrilled to listen to the sounds of a loved one’s colon up close and personal. Momma listening to Francis? Mark Trail listening to Andy? Les listening to Summer? Eeeeeew. I just squicked myself out with that last one. You’re welcome, everyone.” –Zaq

“Hounded by ceaseless nattering from all quarters, Lynn found no time to eat anything more than a handful of Tic Tacs for three consecutive days, with sad but predictable results. What went on in her mind, just before the fall, was essentially some flashing red lights and a weirdly modulated voice playing a ‘Warning — low power reserves’ message on loop until the blackness rose up and the ponytail toggled down into its ‘Status: Offline’ position.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“I must say, the guy on the right side of the panel looks like what Brad would have become if he was raised by a family that actually cared about him.” –Erik

“If I’m ever kidnapped by desperate criminals and held captive on a boat in a swamp, that’s the rescue squad I want looking for me: an old guy named Pop and a dog with a raccoon on its back.” –BuckysWife

“Allow me to save everyone several months of beating around the bush: Doctor thinks Lynn is preggers. Lynn says she’s a virgin. Daddy doesn’t believe Lynn. Lynn has a giant nest of deadly spiders growing in her stomach. The spiders burst out during the big skating finals. Mary berates Daddy at Lynn’s funeral.” –Chyron HR

“What are the odds, do you think, of Salty just cutting to the chase and outsourcing his villainy to India?” –commodorejohn

“Given that every panel of Gil Thorp makes more sense as a crude homage to Hieronymous Bosch than as a ‘comic strip’ about the ‘sports,’ I’d say panel three is admirably straightforward.” –teddytoad

“The end is near; Sneaky is learning new tools to assist in his ever growing campaign against humanity. Now it’s riding dogs, soon simple tools. After that nukes.” –muscles like this?

“‘But he can’t explain something even more troubling…’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘Why I throw out my hands like a bargain-basement Fantine caterwauling “I Dreamed a Dream” while all I’m doing is talking to you here outside the lock-loun-whatever it is.'” –Amateur

“Note that the sole way of telling them apart is that one of them is wearing a sweater vest. The twins even have their basic white dress shirt rakishly unbuttoned in the same manner. They must shop at Dorks Unlimited.” –Farley’s Revenge

“Margo had to walk away from the good detective just so she could dramatically give him the over-the-shoulder-and-popped-collar ‘Does it matter?’ glare. God, how I want her.” –Cranky

“Wait, how many M-F-M three-ways have there been in A3G? And how many of them have involved Lu Ann and at least one blood relative?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

Answering the question “What are encyclopedias?”: “They’re like Wikipedia, but with less Aqua Teen Hunger Force content.” –Aaron T.

“If you’re going to show that someone has shaky hands, it’s best not to draw them holding a thing that vibrates. Just a thought.” –Elizabeth

“Oh my god! My father’s favorite platitude is in Pluggers! I better call him before he hangs himself.” –AsleepOrDead

“Ziggy: still pantsless, but now with a hat.” –kelsey

“It’s a theme cruise and the theme is assholes.” –trey le parc

MW: “The doctor can’t explain why Lynn won’t talk to me! How good a doctor can he be if he hasn’t figured out what a miserable bastard I am?” –Hogan

“My dead tree version of Ziggy was so badly printed I thought it read ‘suckasitis,’ which could mean ‘inflammation of the suck.’ It seemed appropriate for the strip, if not the park.” –Pendragon

“This cartoon looks like a scene from the upcoming plugger remake of The Karate Kid in which both Miyagi and Daniel-san are morbidly obese, nobody actually does any karate, and the final contest is to see who can eat the most cans of birthday cake frosting in one sitting.” –Joe Blevins

“Clovia better watch Slim around that hot little elf, in case she has a thing for tubby gas-station attendants that reek of urine.” –December

“The young elf-ette has a Dr. Suess look to her. Probably appropriate, as she’s appearing in his little-known and quickly pulled from shelves Pee On Knee.” –Mooncattie

“The symptoms displayed in Rex Morgan are that a disease ‘seems to have transformed all of the ship’s male crewmembers into assholes, and reduced the women to crying, traumatized wrecks.’ In the rest of the comics page, that disease is known as ‘Mary Worth.'” –Alan’s Addiction

Luann: “Ah, chaste chest talk. While I moderately approve of any story line that doesn’t actually involve Luann, I’m really getting tired of the whole Brad and Toni … OH MY GOD! I HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT THE COMIC STRIP LUANN!!!” –Lettuce

“Lynn has been put up in the Skater’s Ward at the hospital, where she enjoys a private suite and pre-hung posters of skaters gliding over landmines. No doubt that Lynn is confused by Mary Worth’s appearance, as the hospital counselors wear heavy make-up and white coats stitched with dazzling sequins.” –Idols of Mud

“No wonder poor Dixie’s a sociopath. She doesn’t even know how to dress for a shootout. Her mother will be appalled when she sees her picture spread all over the tabloids in a bloodstained, midriff-baring hoodie.” –Fashion Police

“I think he’s thinking of Toni in the context of ‘can’t elope, due to the emerging awareness of my attraction to TJ.'” –The Dead Acorn

The real hotties, who should totally have their own calendar, are the folks put some cash in my tip jar! And our advertisers are attractive folks as well, no doubt:

• Have an Indie Holiday!: Skip the mall — shop indie this holiday! Shana Logic has the coolest handmade and independently designed gear on the web, hands down! Great gift ideas — for him, for her, or under $10! FREE SHIPPING on USA orders over $75 with code: comicholiday.
• Halo: The Cole Protocol: Continuing the New York Times best-selling series.
• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

Post Content

Once again, my life is vaguely beginning to resemble Luann:

Luann, 12/3/08

Yes, remember back when Brad, Toni, Sally Forth writer Ces Marciuliano, and I were all getting our pictures taken for sexy calendars? Well, those calendars are now ready for you to purchase!

Say, who’s Mr. March there in his sexy undershirt, looking like Marlon Brando without the pectorals? I THINK WE KNOW WHO THAT IS. But to get a better look, you’re gonna have to buy the calendar, which, fortunately, you can do by clicking here (and I get a cut, even)! Just brace yourself for an avalanche of raw blogger sex appeal. Unlike the inept marketing team that came up with the DeGroot Hometown Fireperson’s Calendar, the Hot Bloggers folks have put together two calendars — one with hot lady bloggers, and one with hot gentleman bloggers (Ces and I are in the latter). They’re both ready for you at that link, so ACT NOW! For HOTNESS! There’s even a bonus picture of me on the cover of the calendar and, not to give anything away, but, toilet, that’s all I’m saying. Make like the understated gay couple in today’s Luann and buy as many as humanly possible.