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Comments of the week in a moment, but first, I must remind you of the existence (and the HOTTTNESSS) of the Hot Blogger Calendar! If you want a glimpse of just what goes on between those covers, you might want to check out the behind-the-scenes Flickr sets from the Jane and Sarah, the ladies who put this whole thing together. And from the set, here’s one that didn’t make the cut into the calendar, but shows the sort of hotness you can expect!

PRETTY SAUCY, RIGHT? That’s why you need to buy the calendar today!

Ahem! In non-half-naked-Josh-news, faithful reader (and former Seinfeld/Simpsons writer, and current cartoonist) Tom Gammill has an instructional video for anyone thinking of being a cartoonist.

Also! I was obviously not the only one captivated by the latest product being sold in greater Milford, Nut Boy (“It’s Nutty!”) Any enterprising designy types out there interested in putting together a kicky logo based on this?

I’m pretty sure those things floating around the words are supposed to be nuts. Nutty nuts. If I pick your design you win, er, eternal glory! And a free t-shirt, with your design on it!

OK, with that all out of the way, let’s talk … COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“‘Some people just don’t want him around here’ is one of the least threatening sounding lines I’ve ever heard. ‘Oh, ok, so … you want me to just drop him off at the next town, then?'” –Smokehouse

And the runners up! So many, but it was a tough week to choose!

“Margo pops her collar like Tommie pops anti-depressants — like a teenage douchebag with nothing but his daddy’s credit card and time.” –Tats

“I have to correct Uncle Lumpy: watching Zombie FOOB for any of the faint pleasures of FOOB is like trying to huff dried paint.” –Crankenstank

“I wonder where the Gil Thorp artists got their understanding of shading. Have they ever actually looked at a shadow? Maybe the team that designs the strip is composed entirely of infants, who believe people’s faces disappear when you’re not looking directly at them.” –Isaac

“Mary has destroyed Lynn’s skating career in a single day. For an experienced meddler, it’s as easy as taking hope away from a baby.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I love that Dr. Blog appears to be putting on his stethoscope in preparation for Leroy’s cavity search. I’m now imagining him shoving the listening bit up Leroy’s butt, enthralled by the sounds of his large intestine. Loretta will be offered a chance to listen, but will respond with just a forgettable snipe. We should be thankful for this, because there are plenty of other figures in the comics who would be only too thrilled to listen to the sounds of a loved one’s colon up close and personal. Momma listening to Francis? Mark Trail listening to Andy? Les listening to Summer? Eeeeeew. I just squicked myself out with that last one. You’re welcome, everyone.” –Zaq

“Hounded by ceaseless nattering from all quarters, Lynn found no time to eat anything more than a handful of Tic Tacs for three consecutive days, with sad but predictable results. What went on in her mind, just before the fall, was essentially some flashing red lights and a weirdly modulated voice playing a ‘Warning — low power reserves’ message on loop until the blackness rose up and the ponytail toggled down into its ‘Status: Offline’ position.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“I must say, the guy on the right side of the panel looks like what Brad would have become if he was raised by a family that actually cared about him.” –Erik

“If I’m ever kidnapped by desperate criminals and held captive on a boat in a swamp, that’s the rescue squad I want looking for me: an old guy named Pop and a dog with a raccoon on its back.” –BuckysWife

“Allow me to save everyone several months of beating around the bush: Doctor thinks Lynn is preggers. Lynn says she’s a virgin. Daddy doesn’t believe Lynn. Lynn has a giant nest of deadly spiders growing in her stomach. The spiders burst out during the big skating finals. Mary berates Daddy at Lynn’s funeral.” –Chyron HR

“What are the odds, do you think, of Salty just cutting to the chase and outsourcing his villainy to India?” –commodorejohn

“Given that every panel of Gil Thorp makes more sense as a crude homage to Hieronymous Bosch than as a ‘comic strip’ about the ‘sports,’ I’d say panel three is admirably straightforward.” –teddytoad

“The end is near; Sneaky is learning new tools to assist in his ever growing campaign against humanity. Now it’s riding dogs, soon simple tools. After that nukes.” –muscles like this?

“‘But he can’t explain something even more troubling…’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘Why I throw out my hands like a bargain-basement Fantine caterwauling “I Dreamed a Dream” while all I’m doing is talking to you here outside the lock-loun-whatever it is.'” –Amateur

“Note that the sole way of telling them apart is that one of them is wearing a sweater vest. The twins even have their basic white dress shirt rakishly unbuttoned in the same manner. They must shop at Dorks Unlimited.” –Farley’s Revenge

“Margo had to walk away from the good detective just so she could dramatically give him the over-the-shoulder-and-popped-collar ‘Does it matter?’ glare. God, how I want her.” –Cranky

“Wait, how many M-F-M three-ways have there been in A3G? And how many of them have involved Lu Ann and at least one blood relative?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

Answering the question “What are encyclopedias?”: “They’re like Wikipedia, but with less Aqua Teen Hunger Force content.” –Aaron T.

“If you’re going to show that someone has shaky hands, it’s best not to draw them holding a thing that vibrates. Just a thought.” –Elizabeth

“Oh my god! My father’s favorite platitude is in Pluggers! I better call him before he hangs himself.” –AsleepOrDead

“Ziggy: still pantsless, but now with a hat.” –kelsey

“It’s a theme cruise and the theme is assholes.” –trey le parc

MW: “The doctor can’t explain why Lynn won’t talk to me! How good a doctor can he be if he hasn’t figured out what a miserable bastard I am?” –Hogan

“My dead tree version of Ziggy was so badly printed I thought it read ‘suckasitis,’ which could mean ‘inflammation of the suck.’ It seemed appropriate for the strip, if not the park.” –Pendragon

“This cartoon looks like a scene from the upcoming plugger remake of The Karate Kid in which both Miyagi and Daniel-san are morbidly obese, nobody actually does any karate, and the final contest is to see who can eat the most cans of birthday cake frosting in one sitting.” –Joe Blevins

“Clovia better watch Slim around that hot little elf, in case she has a thing for tubby gas-station attendants that reek of urine.” –December

“The young elf-ette has a Dr. Suess look to her. Probably appropriate, as she’s appearing in his little-known and quickly pulled from shelves Pee On Knee.” –Mooncattie

“The symptoms displayed in Rex Morgan are that a disease ‘seems to have transformed all of the ship’s male crewmembers into assholes, and reduced the women to crying, traumatized wrecks.’ In the rest of the comics page, that disease is known as ‘Mary Worth.'” –Alan’s Addiction

Luann: “Ah, chaste chest talk. While I moderately approve of any story line that doesn’t actually involve Luann, I’m really getting tired of the whole Brad and Toni … OH MY GOD! I HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT THE COMIC STRIP LUANN!!!” –Lettuce

“Lynn has been put up in the Skater’s Ward at the hospital, where she enjoys a private suite and pre-hung posters of skaters gliding over landmines. No doubt that Lynn is confused by Mary Worth’s appearance, as the hospital counselors wear heavy make-up and white coats stitched with dazzling sequins.” –Idols of Mud

“No wonder poor Dixie’s a sociopath. She doesn’t even know how to dress for a shootout. Her mother will be appalled when she sees her picture spread all over the tabloids in a bloodstained, midriff-baring hoodie.” –Fashion Police

“I think he’s thinking of Toni in the context of ‘can’t elope, due to the emerging awareness of my attraction to TJ.'” –The Dead Acorn

The real hotties, who should totally have their own calendar, are the folks put some cash in my tip jar! And our advertisers are attractive folks as well, no doubt:

• Have an Indie Holiday!: Skip the mall — shop indie this holiday! Shana Logic has the coolest handmade and independently designed gear on the web, hands down! Great gift ideas — for him, for her, or under $10! FREE SHIPPING on USA orders over $75 with code: comicholiday.
• Halo: The Cole Protocol: Continuing the New York Times best-selling series.
• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Once again, my life is vaguely beginning to resemble Luann:

Luann, 12/3/08

Yes, remember back when Brad, Toni, Sally Forth writer Ces Marciuliano, and I were all getting our pictures taken for sexy calendars? Well, those calendars are now ready for you to purchase!

Say, who’s Mr. March there in his sexy undershirt, looking like Marlon Brando without the pectorals? I THINK WE KNOW WHO THAT IS. But to get a better look, you’re gonna have to buy the calendar, which, fortunately, you can do by clicking here (and I get a cut, even)! Just brace yourself for an avalanche of raw blogger sex appeal. Unlike the inept marketing team that came up with the DeGroot Hometown Fireperson’s Calendar, the Hot Bloggers folks have put together two calendars — one with hot lady bloggers, and one with hot gentleman bloggers (Ces and I are in the latter). They’re both ready for you at that link, so ACT NOW! For HOTNESS! There’s even a bonus picture of me on the cover of the calendar and, not to give anything away, but, toilet, that’s all I’m saying. Make like the understated gay couple in today’s Luann and buy as many as humanly possible.

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Your comments of the week in a moment, but first I must point to a blog of which I was wholly unaware, and which appears to have not updated since July, but to which attention must be paid: The Secret Life of Mark Trail. Pointed out in the comments by faithful reader True Fable, it pairs bizarre, out-of-context Mark Trail panels with funny captions. Do not miss!

And now, your gravy-stained COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Drove by a local home furnishings store today whose sign was promoting some piece of furniture (I assume) called ‘The Cuddler.’ All I could think was ‘Damn, he’s gonna kick Spider-Man’s ass.'” –johnbpt

And your also delicious runners-up!

“Somewhere, an assistant is hanging a new number on a large sign in the Fred Basset production office that says ‘_ _ _ _ DAYS WITHOUT A DISCERNIBLE JOKE.'” –Muffaroo

“thatquietkid: According to your fine newsletter, Mark Trail is 32 years old and has been married for 15 years. I now have a glorious mental image of Mark Trail as a seventeen-year-old child bride, swathed in khaki with a mosquito net veil, having been sold to Cherry as breeding stock.” –Jessie

“Lynn, you clearly don’t know what you’re doing. By ignoring Mary’s biddying you’re just making the inevitable meddlegasm stronger and longer. Panel after panel of stale platitudes and broken metaphors rhythmically spurting out of Mary, covering you and your horrible father in layer after layer of fetid sticky cliche, until she lies, spent, in the busybody’s afterglow.” –Baka Gaijin

“Reading zombie Foob is like watching paint redry.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Peter Parker’s only saving grace is that his enemies are inevitably even more pathetic than he is. After such hapless losers as The Shocker and The Vulture, we have perhaps the most pitiful of all — Big Time, who has to work overtime to keep his contrived persona going: constantly reminding people of his self-imposed nickname, carefully hanging clocks around his sad little lair, planning boring clock-related crimes … I just hope he lucks out and gets to die at the end of his storyline instead of going to prison, thus depriving Peter Parker the opportunity to make some lame-ass comment about how BT will be ‘doing time’ or how he’ll have ‘plenty of time to think about his mistakes … while he’s being shivved in the weight room by skinheads.’ Oh, wait, even if BT dies, Parker will be able to say that he’s ‘run out of time.’ Sorry, Biggie, you’re screwed either way.” –Joe Blevins

“Doc: ‘Could I get a second opinion?’ Dagwood: [looks down at his pants] ‘There’s one right there!'” –Ptycho

JP: “It seems like an obvious point, but in most murder mysteries interest is sustained by having more than one plausible culprit. Means and motive can also be points of investigation. But since we got all those questions out of the way quickly, that leaves only the expected rescue by the leather pants lady to complete this story and get back to the exciting subject of applying for solar panel tax credits.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I just think Margo is simply reaching around her ear to remove the flesh-mask that hides her true, scaled, Velociraptor visage. Soon, the assistant will be nothing but stains and entrails, to be hung as art and received as genius.” –Lettuce

“Save ‘some’ of the animals in the swamp? So much for natural selection. Are Mark and Pop to sit in judgement on the swamp, picking and choosing which animals meet their warped sense of worth? In panel three, Mark has already swelled to god-like proportions.” –McManx

“I’m not sure if ‘forvever’ is Milford slang or just the result of the profound aphasia that develops in a society oriented entirely around games of hitting each other — or, indeed, if those two things are different.” –JohnsonDelegate

“I’m pretty sure that Jeff’s shirt really does say MILFORD and not MILF; he just had one custom made to be horribly off-center so it would better match his chin.” –peabody

“So Dixie somehow ties Sam to a chair next to the bed in the motel room (they are in a motel room, right? I’ve lost track in all that noir-ness). Then Sam and Dixie await the arrival of Detective Vavavoom. She, upon walking into the room, gazes at Dixie, who has already removed most of her clothes. Smiling, they wordlessly move toward each other, tenderly remove each other’s remaining garments, and drop to the bed to begin their entwined silken-limbed lesbian lovefest. Sam, still tied to the chair, falls asleep.” –Poteet

“When someone would pass gas, my grandmother used to say, ‘Someone stepped on a toadfrog.’ Mark Trail, however, seems to prefer the phrase, ‘I hear an old gator bellowing.'” –Perky Bird

“I’m thankful that Luann has taught me that just because something is maudlin doesn’t mean it can’t be creepy.” –Spunde

“Why does little Sarah look like a Venetian porn star in the second panel of that RMMD strip? I ask merely for information.” –Angry Kem

“Of course, no one has actually joined the cast of Beetle Bailey in at least a decade, so until we see this new friendly face again, I can only assume Beetle has lead him to Cookie’s tent and that there will be suspicious-looking meatloaf in the mess tonight.” –Black Drazon

“I can only hope that the teaser saying, ‘Is time running out for Spider-man?’ means the strip is going to star Maria Lopez after Peter Parker dies of apoplexy when his cable service gets cut.” –True Fable

“We are all reading TJ’s remarks with the wrong inflection. Should read more like this: Hey, ‘Mom and Dad,’ or ‘Big Jerks who won’t let me mooch off you anymore’ — I don’t care that you kicked me out and got that restraining order because I found a NEW family to ‘borrow’ credit cards from and impregnate ‘younger sisters’. Heh, heh, heh… You just can’t see all the quotation marks because of the dishwater.” –Rachel

“Watch out, Margo! The top button of Mr. Ken Doll Hair’s shirt is unbuttoned! He has no respect for society!” –Echo

“Josh, you’ve just made yourself obsolete. There’s really nothing more left to do with Momma than post ‘Momma: Hengh?’ every morning.” –teddytoad

As ever, I must give thanks to everyone put some change in my tip jar! And our advertisers will never be banished to the kids’ table:

• Have an Indie Holiday!: Skip the mall — shop indie this holiday! Shana Logic has the coolest handmade and independently designed gear on the web, hands down! Great gift ideas — for him, for her, or under $10! FREE SHIPPING on USA orders over $75 with code: comicholiday.
• Halo: The Cole Protocol: Continuing the New York Times best-selling series.
• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.