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Once again, my life is vaguely beginning to resemble Luann:

Luann, 12/3/08

Yes, remember back when Brad, Toni, Sally Forth writer Ces Marciuliano, and I were all getting our pictures taken for sexy calendars? Well, those calendars are now ready for you to purchase!

Say, who’s Mr. March there in his sexy undershirt, looking like Marlon Brando without the pectorals? I THINK WE KNOW WHO THAT IS. But to get a better look, you’re gonna have to buy the calendar, which, fortunately, you can do by clicking here (and I get a cut, even)! Just brace yourself for an avalanche of raw blogger sex appeal. Unlike the inept marketing team that came up with the DeGroot Hometown Fireperson’s Calendar, the Hot Bloggers folks have put together two calendars — one with hot lady bloggers, and one with hot gentleman bloggers (Ces and I are in the latter). They’re both ready for you at that link, so ACT NOW! For HOTNESS! There’s even a bonus picture of me on the cover of the calendar and, not to give anything away, but, toilet, that’s all I’m saying. Make like the understated gay couple in today’s Luann and buy as many as humanly possible.

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Your comments of the week in a moment, but first I must point to a blog of which I was wholly unaware, and which appears to have not updated since July, but to which attention must be paid: The Secret Life of Mark Trail. Pointed out in the comments by faithful reader True Fable, it pairs bizarre, out-of-context Mark Trail panels with funny captions. Do not miss!

And now, your gravy-stained COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Drove by a local home furnishings store today whose sign was promoting some piece of furniture (I assume) called ‘The Cuddler.’ All I could think was ‘Damn, he’s gonna kick Spider-Man’s ass.'” –johnbpt

And your also delicious runners-up!

“Somewhere, an assistant is hanging a new number on a large sign in the Fred Basset production office that says ‘_ _ _ _ DAYS WITHOUT A DISCERNIBLE JOKE.'” –Muffaroo

“thatquietkid: According to your fine newsletter, Mark Trail is 32 years old and has been married for 15 years. I now have a glorious mental image of Mark Trail as a seventeen-year-old child bride, swathed in khaki with a mosquito net veil, having been sold to Cherry as breeding stock.” –Jessie

“Lynn, you clearly don’t know what you’re doing. By ignoring Mary’s biddying you’re just making the inevitable meddlegasm stronger and longer. Panel after panel of stale platitudes and broken metaphors rhythmically spurting out of Mary, covering you and your horrible father in layer after layer of fetid sticky cliche, until she lies, spent, in the busybody’s afterglow.” –Baka Gaijin

“Reading zombie Foob is like watching paint redry.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Peter Parker’s only saving grace is that his enemies are inevitably even more pathetic than he is. After such hapless losers as The Shocker and The Vulture, we have perhaps the most pitiful of all — Big Time, who has to work overtime to keep his contrived persona going: constantly reminding people of his self-imposed nickname, carefully hanging clocks around his sad little lair, planning boring clock-related crimes … I just hope he lucks out and gets to die at the end of his storyline instead of going to prison, thus depriving Peter Parker the opportunity to make some lame-ass comment about how BT will be ‘doing time’ or how he’ll have ‘plenty of time to think about his mistakes … while he’s being shivved in the weight room by skinheads.’ Oh, wait, even if BT dies, Parker will be able to say that he’s ‘run out of time.’ Sorry, Biggie, you’re screwed either way.” –Joe Blevins

“Doc: ‘Could I get a second opinion?’ Dagwood: [looks down at his pants] ‘There’s one right there!'” –Ptycho

JP: “It seems like an obvious point, but in most murder mysteries interest is sustained by having more than one plausible culprit. Means and motive can also be points of investigation. But since we got all those questions out of the way quickly, that leaves only the expected rescue by the leather pants lady to complete this story and get back to the exciting subject of applying for solar panel tax credits.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I just think Margo is simply reaching around her ear to remove the flesh-mask that hides her true, scaled, Velociraptor visage. Soon, the assistant will be nothing but stains and entrails, to be hung as art and received as genius.” –Lettuce

“Save ‘some’ of the animals in the swamp? So much for natural selection. Are Mark and Pop to sit in judgement on the swamp, picking and choosing which animals meet their warped sense of worth? In panel three, Mark has already swelled to god-like proportions.” –McManx

“I’m not sure if ‘forvever’ is Milford slang or just the result of the profound aphasia that develops in a society oriented entirely around games of hitting each other — or, indeed, if those two things are different.” –JohnsonDelegate

“I’m pretty sure that Jeff’s shirt really does say MILFORD and not MILF; he just had one custom made to be horribly off-center so it would better match his chin.” –peabody

“So Dixie somehow ties Sam to a chair next to the bed in the motel room (they are in a motel room, right? I’ve lost track in all that noir-ness). Then Sam and Dixie await the arrival of Detective Vavavoom. She, upon walking into the room, gazes at Dixie, who has already removed most of her clothes. Smiling, they wordlessly move toward each other, tenderly remove each other’s remaining garments, and drop to the bed to begin their entwined silken-limbed lesbian lovefest. Sam, still tied to the chair, falls asleep.” –Poteet

“When someone would pass gas, my grandmother used to say, ‘Someone stepped on a toadfrog.’ Mark Trail, however, seems to prefer the phrase, ‘I hear an old gator bellowing.'” –Perky Bird

“I’m thankful that Luann has taught me that just because something is maudlin doesn’t mean it can’t be creepy.” –Spunde

“Why does little Sarah look like a Venetian porn star in the second panel of that RMMD strip? I ask merely for information.” –Angry Kem

“Of course, no one has actually joined the cast of Beetle Bailey in at least a decade, so until we see this new friendly face again, I can only assume Beetle has lead him to Cookie’s tent and that there will be suspicious-looking meatloaf in the mess tonight.” –Black Drazon

“I can only hope that the teaser saying, ‘Is time running out for Spider-man?’ means the strip is going to star Maria Lopez after Peter Parker dies of apoplexy when his cable service gets cut.” –True Fable

“We are all reading TJ’s remarks with the wrong inflection. Should read more like this: Hey, ‘Mom and Dad,’ or ‘Big Jerks who won’t let me mooch off you anymore’ — I don’t care that you kicked me out and got that restraining order because I found a NEW family to ‘borrow’ credit cards from and impregnate ‘younger sisters’. Heh, heh, heh… You just can’t see all the quotation marks because of the dishwater.” –Rachel

“Watch out, Margo! The top button of Mr. Ken Doll Hair’s shirt is unbuttoned! He has no respect for society!” –Echo

“Josh, you’ve just made yourself obsolete. There’s really nothing more left to do with Momma than post ‘Momma: Hengh?’ every morning.” –teddytoad

As ever, I must give thanks to everyone put some change in my tip jar! And our advertisers will never be banished to the kids’ table:

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To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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COTW coming in a moment, but first, some items! Earlier this week I challenged you to create hilarious “FAMOUS CONSERVATIONIST RESCUES RACCOON” newspapers, and you did not disappoint! I received entries from faithful readers thatquietkid, greatbignerd (here’s his blog), mon-ma-tron, willethompson, and a faithful reader who prefers to remain anonymous. And one faithful reader (who works for a real Gazette) even offered his up on his own blog! Click and enjoy, and let me know if I left yours out.

Also! Slylock Fox cartoonist Bob Weber, Jr., wants you to know that he’s auctioning off original Slylock Fox art — featuring Cassandra Cat! — on eBay. Contact him if there’s some other Slylock panel you’re interested in!

Also also! Faithful reader the Divine O’F asks me to pass along this invite:

Crossword-loving Mudges — please join our Cryptic Crossword Group over in the Discussion Forum. We’re in the Cardinal’s Lounge section, and once a week we do a British cryptic puzzle (privately) and discuss it (publicly). It’s fun! It’s brain challenging! We’ll help you learn how to do it!

And now, at long last, the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“With ‘Your momma sure can cook up a tasty, hot and spicy Mexican dinner!’ Herb and Jamaal has finally reached that magical milestone of 10,000 phrases no human being will ever say except as extremely bizarre euphemisms for unspeakable acts.” –GG

And the runners-up! So many, but I loved them all!

“Herb and Jamaal is always a long walk for a short joke.” –Rusty

“I hope that when Lynn is finished shredding the scarf, she takes her fingernails to Mary’s face, all the while wailing, ‘Shredded! Shredded! Like my soul!'” –Angry Kem

“You can always count on Mary Worth to have a visual perspective as forced as the characterizations.” –Lithros

“‘You only get to do that once!’ No, motherfucker, this is Crankshaft. He’ll make shitty puns a thousand times. Oh, or did you mean the smirk? He’ll do that too.” –Old Doc Yak

“I am so sick of all this endless inquiry and doubt as to whether my name is actually ‘Rabbit’! For the last time, OF COURSE NOT!!!!” –Violet

“Slowest. News. Day. Ever.” –Eli

“RABBIT: What can I do for you, Mister? CHARLIE: Is your name Rabbit? RABBIT: Yeah, what about it? CHARLIE: Can you grow some facial hair and join me in villainy?” –Phred22

“Obviously it was a bad move for Sally to invite her idiot sister to visit. This will probably be what drives Ted to have the hot sex with Aria. Actually, the sex will likely only be lukewarm since it’s bound to be frequently interrupted with obscure sci-fi references and crossword clues.” –Digger

“I like the Winkerbean principal’s strategically greying hair. It’s like his own personal dark cloud of doom looming over him at all times.” –Mischief Maker

“Rabbit is becoming my favorite character in Mark Trail — not that there is stiff competition for that dubious honor. He already had me at ‘You got to be kidding’ and now comes ‘Yeah, what about it?’ I think this guy should be re-cast from MT villain to Mark’s curmudgeonly sidekick. Every time Mark utters some awkward bon mot as he punches someone, Rabbit can stand to the side, commenting: ‘Give me a break.’ ‘Jesus Christ.’ ‘For the love of Pete.’ ‘Blow it out your gas-hole.'” –Kevin Moore

“She didn’t say ‘You only get to do that once’ to Crankshaft, but to one of his fellow drivers. She was only speaking a fact, which translates to: ‘You are a minor character. You only get one punchline. Ever. The rest of your existence will be as a non-speaking character who gets to agree wordlessly with the strip’s star once in a while.’ And he’ll think ‘You mean, a nodding acquaintance.’ — and he won’t even be allowed to say it.” –Muffaroo [almost back]

“Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit. You only have to say one word to get Mark Trail to leave town: commitment.” –Dingo

“Bourbon for Tommie? Not likely. Tommie is the type who finds warm milk too thrilling to be a sleep aid. She’ll take her milk room temperature, thank you very much.” –Whippersnapper

“Charlie wishes Trail would stop writing about the wetlands as he reads the front page article of today’s Gazette. Conclusion: Mark Trail wrote his own raccoon-saving hero article, dubbed himself a famous conservationist, and went on down to Sears Portrait Studio to get a shot with him and Sneaky. He chose the classic blue background with clouds for the article, but made sure to get a few with the neon lasers background for his scrapbook.” –Bootis

“Rabbit can never tell when people are kidding. He must have a faulty sarcasm detector, which goes a long way towards explaining his haircut.” –Joe Blevins

“Isn’t ‘Conservationist saves animal’ the ultimate ‘Dog bites man’ headline? Why is it the top story in a newspaper? ‘Famous conservationist skins raccoon alive’, now that’s a headline.” –Ginger Yellow

“For as much as Margo complains about being left behind ‘dealing with the aftershocks,’ it’s not like she’d be happier in South Dakota. Just two minutes of standing around that crappy tiny airport would have had her ready to rip off Cody Stiles’ head with his own sassy neckerchief before he even managed to offer her a ride in his old pickup truck. ‘Hang on,’ you say, ‘that sounds like Margo’s dream vacation.’ And that’s a fair point, but there’s no bar at an airport that small, so trust me, it really would be hell for her.” –Trilobite

“‘Marty harps on an old one’ may be the most obscure euphemism for masturbation since ‘boat wrestling.'” –Pozzo

“I’m pretty sure Moon’s vampire fangs are a Twilight homage, to appease all the thirteen-year-old girls who read Gil Thorp.” –fancywabs

“Goatee so soft, so silky … must stroke …. yeeeeeeees that’s nice.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

“Tommie is merely making homage to her namesake — U.S. Sprinter Tommie Smith — who in the 1968 Mexico City Olympics raised a black-gloved fist in the air during his gold medal ceremony to protest the treatment of blacks in America. Of course, she’s representing an altogether different, but equally discriminated minority … that is, virgins.” –Lettuce

“I like to think that Ned has married to find a stepmother for his 12 children from his first wife, who finally left him to pursue a doctorate in sociology in whatever mid-sized city she could reach first. The new wife, likewise, has quickly realized that it would have been better to remain alone, thereby suffering all the stings aimed at unmarried women in this community, than to tie herself to Ned and his demon brood. She has therefore decided to slowly poison him. Good for her.” –A New Day

“Also, ‘let it go, Mary?’ I’m always impressed by how often the characters in Mary Worth overestimate Mary’s ability to not be a completely terrible person.” –Tats

“BTW, I admire how swiftly Rex pockets the bag of weed he has just purchased from the Rastafarian dude.” –tbell61

“At first, I couldn’t imagine why someone would use the phrase ‘tasty, hot, and spicy Mexican dinner,’ but then I realized that Herb is probably reading from a Zagat review. As they would say: this ‘annoyingly bland’ strip ‘excels’ at creating ‘distractingly unnatural’ dialogue.” –ratnerstar

“Of course Sue hasn’t met anyone like Mark in business. HR puts out an annual ‘Face Punching: Don’t Do It!’ pamphlet to discourage the Fists of Harassment.” –Patrick

“Hi, I’m Kromarr, the giant mutated fiddler crab. A nuclear accident may have given me my giant stature and ability to speak, but I was born hating stilted dialogue. That’s why I’m bearing down on Mark Trail and his latest bimboid. After I snip them in half, it’s back to Lost Forest to slaughter and devour Cherry and Rusty. Don’t bother to thank me, America. The knowledge that one less legacy strip will be left to vomit its utterly inhuman blather across your funny pages is thanks enough. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get all the killing done before my lunch date with King Ghidorah.” –ouranosaurus

Also many are the thanks go out to everyone put some change in my tip jar! And our advertisers too are worthy or praise:

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• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.