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Mark Trail, 1/15/14

All appears to be well that has ended well in Mark Trail! Mark’s good name has been cleared, Jared has gone back to the big house without so much as a punching, and, most importantly, endless piles of flapjacks and maple syrup await heroes and victims alike. A victory without flapjacks tastes like defeat, whereas a steaming pile of starchy flapjack goodness makes victory all the sweeter, both metaphorically and literally (because of the high sugar content in the maple syrup). “Good lord,” says Cherry, days from now, “After endless rounds of binging and purging, I think it’s finally become physically impossible for me to eat any more flapjacks.” “No,” says Mark. “We have to keep eating them. We neet to eat these flapjacks … forever.”

Momma, 1/15/14

It’s good, Momma! It’s very good that your son places you in a conceptual category so different from the one in which he places the women he has sex with that he’s unable to formulate a meaningful comparison between you and them. Now please, for the love of all that’s right, go to sleep and stop thinking about this, I beg you.

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Funky Winkerbean, 1/8/14

What form of misery is the Funkyverse foisting upon us this week? How about … economic misery? It seems that beloved (?) tertiary character Kahn’s business has succumbed to failure. Kahn was introduced during the stretch when I wasn’t reading Funky Winkerbean, but I’m pretty sure he was someone Wally met when he was in Afghanistan, and … they had a somewhat tense relationship? But then he came to America to live the American dream and become a citizen (maybe? because of the pun?) and open his own deli, except whoops ha ha it turns out he couldn’t turn a profit and so after suffering multiple bankruptcies he’s stopped trying. The best part is, as we’ve learned today, that he’s not only giving up on his business, but on America. Yes, if your choices are the perpetually war-torn nation of Afghanistan and the horrifying misery pit of cancer and sadness that is Westview, you might as well at least pick the one where you speak the language natively. Probably his violent death there will at least be swift, and devoid of irony or smirking!

Momma, 1/8/14

Speaking of misery, glum resignation tends to be the prevalent attitude of the old-lady characters in Momma, so it’s nice to see one exhibiting manic excitement instead, even if it seems to be excitement about her and/or her husband’s looming death.

Mary Worth, 1/8/14

Ugh, Jeff, if you don’t know why they call New York “the city that never sleeps,” you definitely don’t deserve Mary’s love, and are only proving that her old life was so provincial that she could never even consider returning to it. (They call it “the city that never sleeps” because of all the cocaine, for the record.)

Spider-Man, 1/8/14

If there isn’t a gay porno out there that prominently features the line “that manbot’s like a heat-seeking missile — except that it’s homed in on my heartbeat,” I’m going to be very disappointed.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/13

All the top etiquette experts agree: If you gave one of your dinner guests a handjob in high school, it’s best to bring it up as early in the evening as possible, to get any potential awkwardness out of the way.

Gasoline Alley, 12/11/13

Ha ha, look at Slim’s horrified thousand-mile stare! “I never thought any of the children would do … that … on my lap, and yet it keeps happening — again, and again and again…”

Marvin, 12/11/13

Marvin is just now realizing that he’s a literal demon from hell.

Mary Worth, 12/11/13

“I could take a black and white picture of all these black and white pictures! It’d be ‘self-referential’ or ‘metatextual’ or whatever bullshit the kids are saying these days.”

Momma, 12/11/13

I’m preeeeettty sure that Francis has knocked some girl up.

Heathcliff, 12/11/13

BUT HEATHCLIFF

BIRDS DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY

THE ONLY FLAW IN YOUR PERFECT PLAN