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Momma, 10/19/07

His face is as always crudely drawn, but whatever Francis spent the evening talking to his mother about, it certainly put the fear of God into him, or at least the fear of Momma. I tried to imagine what Momma could have said to him that would have inspired the expression of exhausted terror he’s showing in panel one, but then I thought better of it. I imagine it was like whatever Hannibal Lector says to the crazy guy in the cell next door to him in Silence of the Lambs that convinces him to commit suicide.

Family Circus, 10/19/07

Oh, Dolly, you’re still so young and innocent! Soon you’ll revel in your ability to kill with your mind.

Gil Thorp, 10/19/07

Word of advice, kid: If a dude’s done time, you do not want to “invite him to the Bucket.”

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Beetle Bailey, 10/17/07

Yes, thank goodness General Halftrack is keeping up with radical newspapers like Vorwärts and the Daily Worker to keep tabs on their stinging and remarkably specific criticisms of the quality of American general officers! By exposing the rot and incompetence at the upper echelons of the US military, they help forward the cause of proletarian revolution!

No, seriously, what the hell. My guess is that this cartoon is what happened when the whole ludicrous New York Times/MoveOn.org Petraeus/Betray Us kerfuffle managed to seep through the layers and layers of Out Of Touch that surround the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Funny Enterprises LLC compound. Though I’m guessing that if anyone bought a full-page ad entitled “General Halftrack or General Half Assed?” there wouldn’t be any kind of Congressional resolution condemning it.

On the other hand, Halftrack could be reading a radical right-wing newspaper, which puts a whole different spin on things. “Under Halftrack, Camp Swampy has sunk under the scum, his corps lousy with blacks, Asians, and homosexuals. Under his leadership, the army is incapable of bringing the cleansing fire to this nation that it so desperately needs!”

Momma, 10/17/07

This may mark me as a bad son, but when I see an (I assume) adult describe living at home with their dwarfish, clown-haired freak of a mother as “a spiritual and emotional pleasure,” I don’t think “happy, well-adjusted young man”; I think “budding serial killer.” More specifically, I think “pretentious budding serial killer.”

By the way, when I first saw this strip, I read the final word balloon as “–is that the same as ‘the pita’?” Which, frankly, is funnier than the actual punchline. The “pita” version isn’t actually funny at all, but the real gag is anti-funny, and zero is greater than a negative number.

Mary Worth, 10/17/07

If you’re not following along at home, yesterday Vera’s creepy, estranged brother Von bought her forgiveness with a check. We have to assume that it was large enough to overcome the huge chip on Vera’s shoulder; sadly, it was not an oversized novelty check that would have allowed us to see the exact amount. Anyway, I’m hoping that now desperate Drew is ready to resort to an overworked, overpaid, oversexed young man’s answer to any current problem, which is to throw money at it. I’m sure Mary will approve of Vera’s masterly techniques of holding grudges for fun and profit.

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Curtis, 9/29/07

I’ve perversely pleased that Curtis has chosen to take on a topic so very rarely tackled in the comics: that moment in a young man’s life when his raging hormones completely overwhelm his capacity to act in a socially appropriate fashion. In Curtis’ case, he’s taken to “watching” (just watching, sure) degrading reality quasiporn right before dinner time. It’s nothing to be proud of, but we’ve all been there, right fellas? (And probably the ladies too, though I’ll let them speak for themselves.) Anyway, part of every person’s self-pleasuring education involves learning the whens and wheres, and Curtis is quickly finding out that where should probably not be “in the bedroom that you share with your brother in what is probably a none-too-large apartment” and when should definitely not be “in the early evening, when your family is in the next room and could wander in at any moment.” Patience and cunning are required while you still live at home, Curtis. You don’t want to be too obvious about it in such close proximity to your mom, lest you enter Francis territory.

If “family matters” is my new favorite euphemism for sex, then “the ‘times’” is clearly my new favorite euphemism for puberty. And I do wonder if Curtis has finally gotten his hands on the fabled “syrup chapter.”

Gil Thorp, 9/30/07

The Mudlarks have started the season 0-2 behind quarterback Tony Casey’s consistently dismal play. Some might say that he just doesn’t have the talent, but I think he’s a bit distracted … distracted by left guard Howard Gourwitz and his wholesome, aw-shucks good looks! While Tony’s the quarterback, in the aftermath of Milford’s defeat it’s Howard who’s making passes. Tony might be disappointed to “forget the Bucket”, at least this week, but I’ll be he’s looking forward to finding out exactly what act of delightful perversity “empty your mom’s fridge” might be code for.

While this romantic drama is going on the foreground, I have to wonder about football player number three in the second panel, who can’t seem to get his helmet off. Did a particularly powerful hit jam it onto his skull so tightly that he’ll be forced to wear it around school indefinitely? Meanwhile, after the inevitable disorienting jump cut, we get the promise of more vandalism-based hijinks to come. Backwards black hat dude is a master of the school-rivalry prank; he’s had a long time to acquire that mastery, since he appears to be 35 or so.

Momma, 9/29/07

It probably shouldn’t come as a surprise that Momma plans to go out like a monarch from ancient Egypt or Sumer. When she dies, her faithful servants will kill and entomb her children with her in her enormous ziggurat so they can wait on her hand and foot in the afterlife. Good God, that smile on her sleeping face creeps the hell out of me.

Archie, 9/29/07

You can when you spend as much time huffing paint as you do, Archie!

Man, the nameless guy at the bottom center of the second panel is the saddest dude in the world. There’s someone who actually cares about his test scores and his academic future. Archie is just idly musing on his incipient dementia to pass the time until he sees something shiny.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/29/07

Yeah, and the younger one kind of looks like he’s on fire. That could explain the odor.

Pluggers, 9/29/07

A plugger’s erectile dysfunction is kind of besides the point, since the rest of his body is in such an advanced state of decay that attempting any kind of sexual encounter would be excruciatingly painful. Plus nobody really wants to have sex with him anyway.