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Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/21/14

Attila imagines he’s worth cloning.

You know, this strip is missing out on some pretty rich promotional opportunities:

And I bet Mooch from Mutts could kick Attila’s ass: “Shlap! Shmack! Schwat! Shpank!”

Spider-Man, 7/21/14

Um, … because they could? Though I suppose this isn’t a great time to be getting all smart-ass.

Is he … burping that plutocrat? Careful there, Ox – you’re gonna get foie gras and Paulliac all over that nice shiny vest.

And look at that dumb Ox – manhandling a mere magnate while the parker-driver gets away!

Beetle Bailey, 7/21/14

This is Beetle Bailey of the newspaper comics.
Is it even remotely funny?
No, it’s Beetle Bailey of the newspaper comics.

Comic artists everywhere: lovingly cultivated nose-hair ≠ moustache.

Sarge is forever on guard against poachers, who hunt him for his tooth.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Crankshaft, 7/16/14

Real Life: “Lillian, Ed was careless taking care of your plants and there was water damage. We brought in a crew to fix it, and added the wine cooler to thank you for being so understanding.”

Crankshaft: “Ed was an asshole, so now he and I are both going to be assholes, because comedy.”

Shoe, 7/16/14

Birds do not work like that, number eight hundred forty-three.

Skyler has a lifetime of this ahead of him; he knows it; and it shows.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/16/14

Most dogs sniff asses. Ralph kisses them.

Phantom, 7/16/14

Sanctimonious “No Kill” heroes like Batman, the Lone Ranger, and the Phantom talk themselves into knots trying to, y’know, KILL SOMEBODY without violating their precious “codes.” It makes you long for the moral clarity and no-nonsense efficiency of a Savarna, or an April Bowers-Parker, or … or … both of them together. Yup, long for them. Mmm …

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 5/7/14

Ten years ago (ten years ago!), Mary unleashed a magnificent act of passive aggression on poor Iris; after smelling Tommy’s weed-smoke drifting through the air vents, she dropped by to say hi to Irish and mention “whatever Tommy was smoking” all snide-like. Now, a decade later, she’s prepared to get semi-confrontational right to Tommy’s face! I’m not sure what I like better, her casual reference to “your history” or the idea that an ex-con will somehow magically have an easier time finding a job if only he reframes the process in his mind as some kind of redemption narrative.

Heathcliff, 5/7/14

So, I guess Heathcliff must occasionally seek legitimacy from the electorate to continue his reign as untouchable god-king? I’m assuming that this is just a Stalinist sham election with only a single name on the ballot: the campaign poster doesn’t even try to convey even the vaguest of political philosophies to entice the voter, but merely promotes a vision of Heathcliff as omnipresent and inevitable, which is of course its own sort of ideological stance.

Hi and Lois, 5/7/14

I’m not exactly sure why Hi and Lois decided to go with a featureless, inky black floor for their kitchen rather than a more traditional tile or linoleum pattern, but if they thought it wouldn’t show dirt or stains as vividly, they were clearly very much mistaken.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/7/14

Grimm is panhandling for money to see what appears to be a porno version of Spider-Man.