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Spider-Man, 11/2/06

This is just one more reason to oppose out-of-control corporate media consolidation.

Crankshaft, 11/2/06

Not soon enough, you evil old man, not soon enough.

Gil Thorp, 11/2/06

“A tie, do you hear me, a tie! We’re monsters! What have we done? A tie!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/2/06

Man, I think June played the race card kind of early in this dispute.

One Big Happy, 11/2/06

Hates boys? Sounds like she likes boys … a little too much.

…

OK, that … that was probably over the line.

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Beetle Bailey, 10/17/06

I don’t have contact with anyone in the army right now, so I have to assume that Beetle Bailey is an accurate picture of what life is like in the American military today — and a very troubling picture it is, too. I’m not sure what’s worse: Beetle stewing over getting punched in the face by his superior officer, the chaplain urging Beetle to just submit to the abuse, or the idea that a “turn the other cheek” philosophy makes for good soldiering. Beetle pointing to his bruise in the second panel looks like something out of a Lifetime movie about domestic violence starring Judith Light.

One Big Happy, 10/17/06

First pants-wetting jokes, now pants-crapping jokes. Let it never be said that One Big Happy doesn’t push the boundaries of acceptable child-centered family-newspaper comedy.

Judge Parker, 10/17/06

“Hoo hoo, Sam, look, if I put this cigar under my nose, it looks like a mustache! Hee hee! Isn’t that funny? Oh, wait, I forgot, you’re on the phone, you can’t see me.”

By the way, Sam came home from work this evening to find his wife wearing something low cut with a bottle of wine and a lit candle set out, glowing at him with a thousand-watt “let’s get it on” stare, and yet this is how his evening is ending. Maybe Reggie Black is onto something with his “not the marrying kind” smears against the Randy Parker campaign.

Mary Worth, 10/17/06

Oh my God, Mary Worth is the queen of bitch. “I’m sorry, were you still giving a second thought to what’s-his-name, with the mustache, whom we drove to his death? You pathetic, weak-kneed little fool. And now you’ve interrupted my favorite sex fantasy: you know, the one where Dr. Jeff Cory wants to have sex with me and I turn him down.” This heavy-handed shift is presumably meant to indicate that we’re ready for the next storyline, which will involve Dr. Jeff’s triumphant return from the exotic and cleft-palated east, but I’m still hoping that the ghost of Aldo will haunt the proceedings yet. Best case scenario: Jeff, newly awakened to a life of service and kindness to his fellow man by his trip to Cambodia, hears the description of Aldo’s doom and recoils in horror. “Why … you’re all a pack of murderers! Sociopaths!” He flees Charterstone in disgust, while the Fearsome Foursome stares on uncomprehending. “What’s his problem?” huffs Ian.

Gil Thorp, 10/17/06

I … I don’t know what this means, but … it seems kind of gay to me. “Stormy” needs your life-breathing-nipple-based heroism, Sean, whether you like it or not.

By the way, faithful reader/madman jonnya offers this hilarious instigation for you to buy crap from my store:

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One Big Happy, 10/14/06

See, this is why I read One Big Happy day after day, despite the fact that to my mind the actual punchlines range from the only mildly amusing to (as here) the excruciatingly lame: I think some of the strip’s incidentals are really funny. For instance, in this installment, I love the idea that the Library Lady (who, incidentally, always looks to me to be high as a kite, as she would clearly need to be to deal with these children) has picked a story to read that involves (a) a platypus and (b) the sentence “Maybe we’ll find it in the archives!” (which, if you think about it, just reinforces my “high as a kite” theory).

Marmaduke, 10/14/06

And see, this is why I read Marmaduke day after day: because sometimes it’s totally demented. My theory: Marm has lured these God Squaders to his house in order to eat them.