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Tina’s Groove, 3/19/24

Tina’s Groove is another new strip I’m getting into! Tina is a waitress and is friends with the other folks at the restaurant where she works, including the cook, who is … an alcoholic? That’s definitely what’s going on here, right? Anyway, let’s bring on the laffs!

The Phantom, 3/19/24

Huh, so I guess this Phantom arc is going to be about how the kids today are all on their phones, and that’s why you can’t get good henchmen help these days. Well, did you ever consider that henchmen are bad so it’s actually good that the Zoomers are bad henchmen? Look how much time this guy being on his phone has saved the Phantom! Even his dumb Zoomer son is up to speed!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/19/24

OK, I’ve come around on this plot, which has genuinely made the terrifying ordeal of aging into a nonstop thrill ride, where your biggest opponent is your own refusal to acknowledge that you need mobility assistance. Will the Count be able to steady himself after a few minutes of leaning on that table? Will this elderly cowboy convince him that the next time he wanders away from his station to go take a leak, he should take his cane with him? Tune in tomorrow, or possibly several weeks from now, to find out!

Mary Worth, 3/19/24

Oh, sorry, do you not want to hear Mary go on and on about her neighbor, Keith Hillend anymore? Well, what if we spend a whole week where Mary and Jeff talk about how their relationship is comforting but not flashy, like an old shoe? You’ll beg for more Keith content by Thursday, and for death by Saturday.

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Hagar the Horrible, 3/16/24

That’s Hagar’s mother-in-law as the presiding judge up there, by the way, and really the only way this strip would make sense or be funny to you at all is if you knew that, and also knew that she hated him, and that represents … well, I guess I don’t know how many “casual” comics readers are left, but I’m going to go ahead and say it represents a relatively small portion of potential readers. But whatever! I got the reference! I am for better or worse the intended audience of this strip and I have to make peace with that. Anyway, look how happy Hagar’s wife and children are about his impending legal dilemma? He must have done something truly monstrous, this time.

Dennis the Menace, 3/16/24

What makes this one actually, genuinely creepy is that Dennis is not just using a hammer to blindly smash; no, he recognizes that a tool can be used in many ways, to probe for weakness, to find the seams, to wreak destruction in a dozen ways, both subtle and blatant. Seems menacing! Seems real menacing if you ask me!

The Phantom, 3/16/24

The Death Of The Phantom lasted seven years, and the Phantom Had A Weird Dream Last Night lasted about a month; I can’t imagine we’re going to be able to get more than week out of This Guy Just Wants Dick Around On His Phone And Drink A Little, Why Won’t The Phantom Just Leave Him Alone.

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Mary Worth, 3/4/24

Oh, so, uh, it seems like the Keith-Kitty-Sonia family fraud reunion plot has … ended? With Keith’s tiny mind unburdened by his terrible deception? No opportunity for follow-up, though, because it’s time for Mary and Jeff’s one-a-quarter date! Yes, nothing will get Mary’s mind off the Crazy World that she learns about entirely through The News better than a desultory sexual encounter on a reasonably successful doctor’s boat.

Pluggers, 3/4/24

Shoutout to Pluggers, whose whole vibe over the decades has carefully created the strategic ambiguity that leaves me, a liberal big-city elitist, unsure whether today’s panel is about some “Hints from Heloise” type technique for keeping your shirts fresh/unwrinkled before a big event, or if it’s just a “Ha ha, pluggers are old and increasingly plagued by dementia” joke.

The Phantom, 3/4/24

The thing about the Phantom is that he’s a tough, gun-toting, fists-flying superhero vigilante but also the product of a 21-generation long eugenics program, and I feel like being raised to know this is true about yourself must have some pretty weird effects on your psyche. Like, check out how aroused Kit Jr. looks in the second panel here! “Seems that mom’s finally figured out the perfect breeding partner for me? And she’s planning to ambush me with her, sexually? Hot stuff!”

Shoe, 3/4/24

It honestly never occurred to me before this strip, but among his many other terrible qualities, Shoe is definitely a serial workplace sexual harasser.