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Family Circus, 4/7/19

This is maybe one of the darkest Family Circuses I’ve ever seen! Let’s take a look at each of the portrayed fates of the lovers, clockwise from the left:

• Dude in prison
• 25 happily married years
• Dude watches TV with a buzz on while his wife hunches next to him uncomfortably
• Dude brings flower in from garden
• Old couple making out
• Lady looks at beloved’s grave
• Happy couple on tropical beach
• Cheerful domestic scene with kids
• Homeless couple huddles under blanket
• Dude thinks about his beloved, who is a nun
• Grumpy middle aged couple fights at therapy

Some of these are perfectly fine, but you gotta admit this is a much lower batting average for love than you’d expect from this strip. My favorite is the nun one, myself. I like how the guy’s dog looks almost as sad as he does. “I know she took a vow of chastity,” thinks the dog, “but she didn’t take a vow of no-dog-stity. It’s not right!”

Judge Parker, 4/7/19

Oh, hey, so I guess Marie isn’t taking Sam up on his offer to make “Marie” disappear and give her a new identity to escape from the mob, but she also is going to quit her job that allows her to live on the gated Spencer-Driver estate and make the money she needs to keep secluded! Excellent decision making all around.

The Phantom, 4/7/19

“You’re missing the big picture! Everything we do his for the history! Look at Hellborne Helene here — this plane combined a hot dame with hot legs with fiery hot death dropped onto German and Japanese cities from above! Eros and thanatos, mingled together in that contradictory stew we call life!”

Dennis the Menace, 4/7/19

Dennis definitely went over to Mr. Wilson’s house and pooped in a box, is what I’m getting from this.

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The Phantom, 3/19/19

Welp, Kadia and Heloise have been successfully extracted from the U.S., probably in only slight violation of international law, and now we’re set up for a daring new adventure, where the Phantom rescues Kadia’s mother from a heavily armed terrorist compound. And what better way to start than with six to eight weeks covering the girls’ schooling situation? The kids are leaving their elite private New York boarding school behind for an honest public school in Bangalla, but one thing is staying the same, which is that they are not living at home. It’s the most important rule passed down over the ages by generation after generation of Phantoms: no teens living in the house under any circumstances.

Pluggers, 3/19/19

You hear that, liberal elitists? Pluggers are not switching to metric time, no matter what the United Nations says! If a sexagesimal system was good enough for the ancient Babylonians, it’s good enough for us.

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The Phantom, 3/17/19

So the Sunday Phantom storyline has involved a little girl who’s stowed away on a historic airplane that’s using travelling to air shows around the world as a front for exotic animal smuggling in an extremely well thought out scheme. Mostly I like today because the Phantom has announced that these rogues are going to face prison … in Bangalla, a country that isn’t the site of any of their crimes and which has no legal jurisdiction over them, and it’s like, who does the Ghost-Who-Walks think he is, American?

Spider-Man, 3/17/19

Reading this, I assumed that longtime Newspaper Spider-Man credited writer Stan Lee famously said “Ditto” in a movie once, but turns out nope! So I guess that Peter and MJ are spending their last ever Sunday strip paying homage to, uh, the smash hit 1990 Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore vehicle Ghost. Excelsior, everybody!