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Archive: Phantom

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That’s former prison woman to you, lady

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Hi and Lois, 11/15/23

The sun won’t blast off its outer layers, forming a planetary nebula and leaving only a tiny white dwarf behind, for another seven to eight billion years or so, and while that is the unfathomably distant future, it’s not strictly speaking correct to say that Trixie’s best friend will last “forever.” Still, Sunbeam will be around for a lot longer than Suzy here, who even in a best-case scenario will be dead by sometime in the 2110s.

Marvin, 11/15/23

If you had told me in the abstract that Marvin wanted to branch out beyond “Ha ha, Marvin has shat himself and is proud of it” jokes, I would obviously endorse it. But please, do not waste your time and mine with marital misanthropy jokes that are two orders of magnitude too unfunny to make it in The Lockhorns! Better poop than this!

The Phantom, 11/15/23

Yes, The Phantom is still somehow doing the “Death of the Phantom” arc, and no, I’m still not going to catch you up on the details. But I do need to point out that this strip, which has never been shy about tastefully implied nudity, has just discovered the funniest ever use of a word balloon.

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Sexy Sunday

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The Phantom, 10/8/23

The Phantom is a comic strip first launched in 1936 about a lineage of white guys who’ve lived in Africa for hundreds of years and convinced the superstitious locals that they’ve been one immortal ghost that whole time, and while it’s made some good faith efforts of the years to get with the times, it’s not always what you might call “woke.” Like, for instance, it was a pretty big deal, back in the dark ages of 2008, when a waitress and a lady cop quit their jobs to join the Jungle Patrol, a formerly all-male paramilitary force that doesn’t believe in spirits but does take orders from a mysterious “Unknown Commander,” who happens to also be the Phantom. Anyway, it’s been 15 years now, so surely having female Jungle Patrollers is routine and acknowledged as helping create a stronger and more effective fighting force, right? Well, sure, until we get an appearance from a handsome fella like John X — who, to be clear, is once again, the Phantom, although he originally assumed that identity when he had some light amnesia. Anyway, he’s here now, he’s hot as hell, and he’s destroying unit cohesion because all the gals want to fuck him.

Beetle Bailey, 10/8/23

Beetle Bailey loves to add new characters to keep up with the “trends,” whether those trends are rock and roll music (Rocky) or the military being racially integrated (Lt. Flap), but I don’t think we’ve gotten a new one since Spc. Chip Gizmo arrived in 2002 as an admission that this “computer” stuff was here to stay. Anyway, now it’s 2023, and I’m not sure what it says about our current age that Beetle Bailey has decided to introduce a lovable child soldier character, but it can’t be good.

Curtis, 10/8/23

Barry has always been depicted as the smart one in this strip, but today achieves new stature as a prophet of the LORD, letting his family know that verily, all is vanity, we are all dust and to dust we shall return, and our brief time on this world mainly serves to amuse our Creator.

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Who’s the last comics writer who wore a tie while working, do you think

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Mary Worth, 9/3/23

For those who haven’t been keeping up with Mary Worth in the aftermath of the Saul-Eve engagement, what happened was that Mary ran into them down at the jewelry store, and she was like “Is that a wedding ring?” and they were like “Yeah, we’re getting married!” and she was like “Can I come?” and they were like “Uh, yeah, sure.” It’s very funny when someone invites yourself to your wedding and you feel like you’re not allowed to say no for whatever reason, but it’s extremely funny when someone does it when you were planning a wedding with no actual guests. You think it’s just going to be you, your beloved, and Associate Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor for some reason, but nope, here comes Mary! She’s gotta be involved somehow!

The Phantom, 9/3/23

Today’s Phantom is great and I frankly think more legacy strips should, when they run into narrative trouble, just do a strip where they have the strip’s creator, who’s been dead for 25 years, try to come up with the next plot twist. Bonus if you depict them working in what appears to be the office of a private investigator in a 1940’s film noir.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 9/3/23

Man, you know things are getting dark when even cultural elites like Sir Hound are saying things like “Those humans are getting to be a real problem … one that requires a solution. A final solution, if you will.”