Archive: Phantom

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Dick Tracy, 3/20/18

OK, fine, I take it back, Dick Tracy isn’t abruptly ending its Ghost Pepper plot at all. In fact, it’s drawing it out in loopy new directions! Ghost Pepper, who dislocated his shoulder in the crash, has sought out “Phishface,” who is a doctor (?) or something, and also a fish-man in classic inexplicable Dick Tracy style. He’s such a fish-man that he apparently used to have a “base” at the aquarium, which either means he really is part fish, and the character is a shameless attempt to cash in on the sexy fish fever sparked by The Shape Of Water, or he’s just really committed to the bit, I guess. The real question we need to ask: what’s the deal with Dick Tracy’s obsession with criminals lying low at facilities where animals are held captive for the public to gawk at, making particular use of the many closets and storage areas therein?

The Phantom, 3/20/18

You’d think being a high-powered UN official and consort to an immortal jungle god would leave little room for boredom in Diana’s life, but I guess if she needs to entertain herself by idly trying to work out which of her professional or family acquaintances are savage terrorist warlords, who am I to judge?

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Mary Worth, 3/12/18

So, uh, yep, it looks like we really are moving on from Mary’s muffins vs. Ted the sex creep to … Dawn’s own weird inappropriate not-relationship with some dude! You will of course remember Harlan as Dawn’s substitue art history prof, who invited her to a one-on-one yoga session at his apartment but they definitely weren’t having sex, despite all the prying questions from Wilbur and Dawn’s mean friends. Sure, sometimes they get all dressed up and go dancing, and now he’s going to take her to Europe, where the art is even more erotic than it is in America, but they’re just friends, OK? I mean, obviously Dawn wants to give Italy another go, since last time she had just gotten dumped so all she could think about was her ex’s dick, and then she almost drowned. Let her live a little, Wilbur!

The Phantom, 3/11/18

Speaking of art, our hero in The Phantom is visiting his daughter at her fancy New York boarding school and the whole family is visiting the Met, and shoutout to the artist for reproducing this room with uncanny accuracy (the Portrait of Madame X was the tip-off for me). Anyway, the Ghost Who Takes In Some Culture While He’s In Town is mad because his daughter’s best friend is the daughter of his current archnemesis, the murderous Nomad, and, yeah, it’s a good question of how Heloise is going to feel about it, but how’s Kadia going to feel about it? Her best friend’s dad is a jungle-dwelling fraud who keeps the natives of southeast Africa in terror of his legend, all the while hoarding wealth and local cultural riches! Actually, never mind, that sounds exactly like what you’d expect from the parents of your friends at a fancy boarding school.

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Crock, 11/20/17

Aww, it looks like Otis’s mom has finally figured out that his best (only?) friend is a carrion-eating vulture! And you can tell she’s really trying. Her lids are heavy with disgust as she imagines the hungry bird flying home to his gore-encrusted home to feed on fresh corpses, but she isn’t saying anything to break up the friendship. That’s good parenting!

The Phantom, 11/20/17

Ooh, now we know which specific weirdos are on Walker’s table: messianic cultists! The main question raised by today’s too-artsy-by-half lettering: Is this beardy gent known to his devotees as “Savior 2” or “Savior Z”? Because those names have very different vibes. Savior 2 is sort of a “Hey kids, I’m just like Jesus, but the next one, for the modern age!” whereas Savior Z is like I AM THE END OF ALL THINGS, THIS WORLD WE BE CLEANSED IN INFINITE FIRE FOREVER