Archive: Phantom

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Gil Thorp, 8/22/19

“Yes, but no, so let’s eat!” I call foul. Gil’s preseason chats with Marjie Ducey are supposed to detail the roster and telegraph the upcoming plotline. Cynical evasion, non sequiturs, and misdirection are for Marty Moon, dammit. Is Gil getting so lazy he can’t keep his own bullshit straight?

Phantom, 8/22/19

Whoa, looks like loss of blood is making our boy a little giddy; take on some fluids and maybe a Snickers? The Phantom has just rescued Imara Sahara here — wife of incarcerated terrorist Eric (The Nomad!) Sahara and mother of Heloise Walker’s best friend Kadia — from a very highly fortified and guarded compound during its annihilation by U.S. missiles, fighting his way through an army of unspecified allegiance to get her free, all to make good on Heloise’s idle boast, “My Dad will get your Mom out.”

BTW, Imara: if you compare notes with Kadia about the whole “Walker/Phantom” thing, don’t go expecting Bangalla Life and Casualty to take your calls.

But say, what if Imara, not Eric, is the real terrorist mastermind? Sure, they’d have to rejigger a few old plot threads, but wouldn’t it be just like the Ghost Who Condescends to miss a threat from across the aisle, just like he did with the Khagan in the Sunday series? And it would destabilize the family dynamics among the Walkers and Saharas, culminating in the daring rescue by 22nd Phantom Heloise of Kadia from a life of PTSD, self-medication, and pole dancing.

Judge Parker, 8/22/19

April’s story — her truth — is that an internal cabal of rogue CIA agents misled her into carrying out illegal hits, tried to kill her and her Dad Norton to cover up the mess, and got all massacred for their efforts. This has all been disclosed on-air in an exposé by reporter Toni Bowen, because April’s husband Randy can keep neither his pants nor his mouth shut. The story was elaborated further in Toni Bowen’s memoir about Norton’s corruption of literary lion Alan Parker, for which Parker has confessed and is now doing time.

So if you want to get out the rest of your story — your truth — April, I can think of a far better option than these two, and she’s doing the 6:00 news up in Cavelton.

Luann, 8/22/19

It’s tough being a Doofus Dad, and Frank DeGroot has it worse than most. Walt Duncan gives as good as he gets, Dagwood Bumstead enjoys the genuine affection of an excellent cook, and Darryl MacPherson is the beneficiary of Wanda’s voracious sexual appetite and otherworldly lingual gymnastics. But Frank just hangs around the house being emasculated by Nancy and ignored by Luann. When he’s had enough, he wanders out to the mall to find a clerk his daughter’s age he can sneer at with no risk of backtalk. This kid told him about cross-trainers on Tuesday, but he’s so invested in his “so many shoes” Pluggers schtick it blows right by him. What I’m saying is fuck you, Frank.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 8/8/19

Ooh, it looks like Judge Parker is dipping deep into its lore for this latest plot twist! Who is it just off-panel addressing Sam as “Samuel” so unctuously? Is it Rocky Ledge, Godiva’s on-again, off-again husband and Europa Aerospace’s CEO, who used to be an aw-shucks country music star (in addition to being the CEO of an aerospace company/green power colossos) but maybe is evil now? Is it Avery the Hollywood agent, who Sam accidentally helped become a drug lord? Is it … just April’s dad Norton, again? It’s probably Norton, isn’t it.

Dick Tracy, 8/8/19

God, look how angrily Dick is pursing his lips in panel three. “Yes, while the temptation is almost overwhelming to simply arrest the person adjacent to this crime whose family has criminals in it and throw them in jail forever without trial on account of their tainted blood, I suppose we must find … or perhaps manufacture … proof, because of the liberal Supreme Court’s meddling.”

The Phantom, 8/8/19

I know I haven’t really been keeping you up to date on the weekday Phantom, so, real quick: in his quest to rescue Imara Sahara, wife of the Nomad (the Phantom’s archnemesis!) and mother of Kadia (the Phantom’s daughter’s best friend!) from the Nomad’s seaside villa/heavily guarded terrorist compound, our hero has had to stay one step ahead of both American drone strikes and various Nomad henchmen trying to ensure his wife never escapes to spill her guts about his operations. Anyway, I particularly approve of the Ghost Who Walks’ technique to keep her calm during this ordeal: distract her with Wikipedia facts about the country where her daughter is staying. “Mawitaan is the third largest city in sub-Saharan Africa! It’s the center of a major sheep-herding region and sits atop valuable copper deposits!”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/19

In addition to being a very bad English teacher, Les is also the advisor to the school newspaper. Today we’re learning that many of the kids who work for the school newspaper are unfamiliar with the vocabulary of journalism, and this is … proof that young people are dumb and bad, and not an indictment of the man who’s supposed to be teaching them about journalism, somehow?

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The Phantom, 7/21/19

So the Phantom is the middle of a Sunday plot about a mountain kingdom that’s taken Lean In feminism to its ultimate conclusion, which is that it’s a brutal, violent dictatorship but, like, run by women, you see. (It’s also right next to Bangalla, in Africa, and yet seems entirely populated by white people, hmm.) Anyway, today’s strip made me laugh and laugh, as our hero, significantly underestimating these Amazonians, just wanders in completely non-stealthily, frees their prisoner, and is like “Rule of law, ladies, you ever heard of it?” and then just gets immediately stabbed in the chest.

Dick Tracy 7/21/19

Welp, looks like Dick Tracy wasn’t successfully gunned down after all! I really like the helpful graphic the local news has chosen to accompany this story. “Usually it’s best to aim for center mass when trying to take someone down. But if you’ve got a scope and suspect your target might be wearing a Kevlar vest, why not aim for the head?”

Hagar the Horrible, 7/21/19

TIRED: Lucky Eddie wants to fuck a fish

WIRED: Lucky Eddie wants to be a fish