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Mary Worth, 9/10/09

It’s easy for Scott to be patient, because once you’re as fucked up on Special K as he appears to be in panel two, the flow of time no longer has any meaning for you.

Phantom, 9/10/09

“She’s being attacked by some purple-clad freak and his two diminutive diaper-wearing minions! Argh, I’m too late!”

Pluggers, 9/10/09

Pluggers think that “electronics superstores” still sell things out of catalogs in 2009, for some reason.

Ziggy, 9/10/09

Ziggy is about to be sodomy-searched over the phone, because nobody wants to deal with any of Ziggy’s nether parts in person.

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Apartment 3-G, 9/9/09

Margo is definitely intrigued by the Powers family’s “keeping feelings to yourself” idea, as it would certainly cut down on the idle chatter she has to endure. You might think that such a policy would place restrictions on her own behavior, but she doesn’t recognize the spectrum between “irritation” and “killing rage” as representing feelings any more than a fish recognizes water.

Fun question: if Lu Ann never told her parents about Alan’s death, does that mean she spent her poorly documented time in South Dakota answering questions with increasingly elaborate lies about his continued existence? Or did she never tell them about her relationship with Alan in the first place? Did she even mention to them that they have a daughter named Lu Ann?

Herb and Jamaal, 9/9/09

Oh, she hasn’t visited in six years, eh? Is that your story, Herb and Jamaal? Well, what if I present you with evidence — incontrovertible evidence — that in fact Herb’s mother visited NOT FOURTEEN MONTHS AGO? Ha, Herb and Jamaal, I have torn your filthy web of lies to shreds!

Of course, it’s possible that that older comic portrayed a visit Herb made to his mother’s home, but I refuse to dip into the Chronicle archives to find out. Just searching my own site to find this strip damaged my dignity enough.

Marvin, 9/9/09

After starting off the week berating his mother for her sexually provocative clothing, Giant Fantasy Marvin-Monster has moved on to engaging in some sort of ritual humiliation-based bath-time play with his father. My point is, we need to start doing research to see what changes in international law are required to put this comic strip on trial for war crimes.

Phantom, 9/9/09

Or — and it’s just a suggestion — you could tell Diana! I mean, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job as an irritatingly cryptic jungle seer, but … maybe tell Diana?

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Blondie, 8/2/09

Like many victims of abuse, this dedicated civil servant seems to take the horrible injuries dished out by Dagwood to be merely his lot in life. Blondie slips easily into her role as enabler, assuring poor Mr. Beasley that her monstrous husband “doesn’t mean it” and “it’s not his fault, he’s just late,” and “he won’t do it again” — platitudes that neither of them believe.

Hi and Lois, 8/2/09

Never have the Flagstons done so well at their appointed task of representing the typical middle American family: their insatiable appetite for entertainment — entertainment that can only be achieved through conspicuous consumption — leads them to go on vacations that they simply cannot afford, leading inevitably to financial ruin.

Hagar the Horrible, 8/2/09

“Oh … that Paris! My band of Viking warriors burned it to the ground, slaughtering the inhabitants who resisted us and enslaving the survivors! Why do you ask?”

Marvin, 8/2/09

Cementing his place as the most hated character on the comics page, Marvin attempts to have the municipal animal control service impound and euthanize the family pets. Fortunately, he’s only able to thought-balloon into the phone, leaving him to stew in his own impotent rage (and, since this is Marvin, presumably in his own excrement).

Mary Worth, 8/2/09

And that was the day that Charley removed the last non-porn DVD from his collection, as it apparently scares the ladies off. Delilah, meanwhile, hearing the lyrics “never let her go,” returns to her true love: Mary Worth.

The Phantom, 8/2/09

The Sunday Phantom plotline for the last God knows how long has focused on the royal love triangle summed up with admirable economy in the throwaway panels above; the “other woman” is in fact Captain Lara, Rex’s personal bodyguard, and Rex King is in fact a monarch (thus the name — get it? Is it obvious enough?). Anyway, I haven’t been covering this plot, because it’s been pretty dull, so you can imagine my surprise to see it resolved by Lara simply gunning down her rival in a lover’s rage.

Judge Parker, 8/2/09

Oh, and Judge Parker is still about horse-fucking, FYI.