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Apartment 3-G, 12/14/06

You know, I’m not the sort of person who just applies DSM-IV diagnoses to people in the comics … oh, no, wait, that’s exactly the sort of person I am. Anyway, I think it’s pretty obvious that Margo is bipolar. I’m sure Eric is enjoying happy manic Margo right now, but he’d better hang on, because as Tommie and Lu Ann know all too well, he’s in for the ride of his life, and not in the fun, sexy way. The cocaine, of course, does not help.

(Could it be that I’m overdoing the “Margo loves nose candy” jokes? Is such a thing even possible? I’m going to say “no.”)

There’s something very unsettling about the perspective in the first panel. Either that tree really is huge, and it’s about ten feet away, which means Margo couldn’t be gently fondling its branches, or it’s about three feet tall and the bottom of its trunk is floating mysteriously somewhere around Margo’s sternum, or we’re just seeing the very tip of it, pointing downwards, and, in a fit of superhuman strength, Margo’s trying to stuff it into her shopping bag.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/14/06

Note to cartoonists: if you need to have a character in your cartoon explain your joke, your joke has not been deployed successfully.

Mark Trail, 12/14/06

You know, I’m pretty sure that the only reason that Mark adopted Rusty (other than to avoid having ICKY SEX with an ICKY GIRL) was to have a victim for his twisted head games. “Hey Rusty, let’s rescue this wounded beaver! Hey Rusty, what do you want to name your new friend, the beaver? RUSTY! WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS BEAVER OUT OF ITS NATURAL HABITAT? IT’S MISERABLE HERE AND IT HATES YOU!” No wonder the poor kid is so depressed. He looks like the subject of a Margaret Keane painting in that last panel.

The Phantom, 12/14/06

Bangallan President Lamanda Luaga is my second favorite cartoon president (after Teenage Girl President, of course). He already gets mad style points for wearing morning dress at all times; now it appears that that he’s taking off his morning coat in order to beat the crap out of this guy, and I love it. If wanting to see the president personally physically assault a civil servant makes me a Republican, then so be it.

I’m curious about which two laws the president is about to suspend. I’m guessing one pertains to not beating up a government official without a trial of some sort, and the other forbids the president from appearing in public without his morning coat on.

By the way, I know I said I wouldn’t touch the whole Bruce Tinsley thing again, but I would be very much remiss if I didn’t draw your attention to this.

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The Phantom, 12/4/06

Today the Phantom gives you what in the business world they call the “value add”. See, any two-bit superhero can give you explosions and fisticuffs and gunplay and what-not; but with the Big Purple Guy, we stick around to see what happens after the climax. Thrill as the Ghost-Who-Hopefully-Isn’t-Getting-A-Paper-Cut idly rifles through the Doorman’s files! Marvel as he and the freed slaves stand around making idle, awkward small talk waiting for the cops to show up! Look on in wonder as the Phantom gives his cell number and e-mail address to the assembled servants so that they can use him as a reference on their resumes! You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge!

Beetle Bailey, 12/4/06

You may think that keeping the soldiers at Camp Swampy pumped full of Wellbutrin isn’t the best way to run a military, but if they can’t ever feel any negative emotions, they’ll presumably obey any order, no matter how atrocious, and cheerfully roll forward as an army of smiling, glassy-eyed, remorseless and conscienceless killing machines. One hopes that General Halftrack got personal approval from the Secretary of the Army Francis J. Harvey before engaging in his sinister psychopharmaceutical experiments on his hapless subordinates.

Judge Parker, 12/4/06

So, Eduardo Barreto’s been handling the Judge Parker art for several months now, and I’m still a fan, but he does seem to shift styles every once in a while, which can be a little unsettling. I guess if the history of soap opera comics is any guide, he’s going to be drawing this for the next seventy years, so he’s entitled to do a little experimenting in the beginning of his reign. Things did suddenly get a lot less shady and more stylized this week. Panel two illustrates the major artistic dilemma for anyone drawing Judge Parker — can you make Sam Driver and Randy Parker look like different people? Today, it’s all about the part in Sam’s hair.

The Family Circus, 12/4/06

Oh please oh please oh please.

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Marmaduke, 12/1/06

Have you ever noticed that Marmaduke is allowed to just wander aimlessly around the streets of wherever it is that he lives, more or less unmolested by the long arm of the law? Today we may be learning why: he keeps homeless people from sleeping on the benches of this bucolic suburban town. Don’t listen to him, Marmaduke! Everyone knows the hobos keep old, stale bits of food in their beards for safekeeping! Keep rooting around in there!

The Phantom, 12/1/06

I’d love to see exactly what those resumes look like. “Longtime lackey seeking situation as assistant to thuggish crime lord. Skills include simpering, dodging shoes and crockery thrown in anger, Microsoft Office. References: Unfortunately all in prison and/or incinerated.”

Slylock Fox, 12/1/06

Good lord, can’t these kids engage in a little bit of childish fun — like lowering a head-sized slice of cake down from a treehouse — without every carbon-based form of life in the neighborhood staring at them with blank, expressionless faces? I’d be pretty creeped out if I were them. The dude with his nose over the top of the fence is particularly disturbing.

Crankshaft, 12/1/06

Crankshaft proves that, like its sister strip Funky Winkerbean, it too can bring the gut-churning bleakness. I love the expressions in the second panel: Everyone, particularly the young alterna-teen, seems angry and humiliated by the ‘shaft’s antics, and the old coot’s own face indicates that he’s all too aware that his own family mainly sees him as an embarrassment. This should be a fun dinner. The only bright spot is the hostess, who appears to have been charmed Crankshaft’s little joke. Maybe this is the first time she’s heard it, which means that she’s probably been working there for less than forty-five minutes.