Blondie, 1/13/18
I’ve often wondered why Elmo spends so much time at the Bumstead home instead of his own, and now we have an answer: he’s seeking a refuge away from his violent, volatile father.
Beetle Bailey, 1/13/18
Otto seeks the sweet release of ~total annihilation of the physical self~
Pluggers, 1/13/18
A plugger’s “one for the road” is a number two!
Mark Trail, 1/4/18
Wow, everybody, Mark isn’t just taking Rusty on a trip for once; he’s taking him and Cherry on a trip to Mexico! They haven’t mentioned fishing yet but snorkeling counts, right? I think it’s cute that they’re trying to spin a trip to Mexico as exposing Rusty to a “totally different culture,” as if he’s had any meaningful contact with American culture beyond the AM radio broadcasts that are occasionally permitted within the log walls of the compound.
The casual mention of Mark’s “old archaeologist friend” is obviously setting up the main plot, so I think the questions we need to ask ourselves are: which cursèd artifact will Rusty be touching, how soon will he be touching it, and to which ancient Olmec god of blood will it be necessary to sacrifice him to prevent the destruction of the world?
Mary Worth, 1/4/18
As Wilbur spirals down into full-on anhedonia, I was trying to remember the last time I saw him experience happiness that isn’t retroactively tainted by Fabiana’s perfidy. I’m thinking it might be when he deliriously proclaimed to his editor that “I shouldn’t be alive … but I am”? What I’m trying to say is, if Wilbur wants to feel joy again, he might want to rent himself out to a rich sadist with a private island for a “Most Dangerous Game” situation.
Funky Winkerbean, 1/4/18
Hey, were you wondering how Funky’s AA meeting is going? Welp, he’s basically given a long, rambling diatribe about how everything’s going to shit that’s both extremely intense and weirdly lacking in proper nouns while everyone else stares at him in horrified silence. It’s going great, in other words.
Pluggers, 1/4/18
ONLY PLUGGERS CAN RECONSTRUCT INCIDENTS FROM THEIR MEMORY INTO A COHERENT NARRATIVE AND UNDERSTAND THE PASSAGE OF TIME
WE URBAN ELITISTS LIVE IN A JUMBLED FOG OF PAST AND PRESENT INCIDENTS, UNABLE TO REMINISCE OR LEARN OR PERCEIVE CAUSE AND EFFECT
Spider-Man, 12/17/17
So I guess it’s true, Dr. Connors really doesn’t know Peter Parker is Spider-man! Fortunately, he’s been savagely RRONGK?ed on the leg and so can’t pay attention to whatever’s going on around him. I personally have never been subject to a leg-RRONGK?ing, but I find this slightly unbelievable! Maybe I’m overestimating my own stamina and ability to focus, but I feel like even if I had some mid-level lacerations in my lower extremities, I’d notice if a guy three feet away from me loudly announced he was Spider-Man and then took off his shirt and it turned out he was wearing the Spider-Man outfit and then he fought the Hulk, proving he was Spider-Man!
Also, I get that Newspaper Spider-Man is trying to capture some of the magic the Hulk brought to Thor: Ragnarok as a super-powered sidekick to the title character, but why call him an “abomination” in the narration box? That’s just disrespectful to your guest star.
Pluggers, 12/17/17
Pluggers live their lives surrounded by increasingly nonfunctional garbage.
Hi and Lois, 12/17/17
Is Christmas about the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ? Or is it about elaborate sexual roleplay? The culture war around the holidays continues unabated.