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Mary Worth, 9/25/17

Hi everybody, I’m back! Huge thanks to all who contributed to the fundraiser, and huge thanks to Uncle Lumpy for being a hilarious guest blogger as always! (I’m still giggling at “But his contract done restricted his wanderings to the premium content offerings from the Tribune Content Agency, LLC.”)

I’m glad to be back, though, and not least because I got here just in time for Dawn to hit her emotional nadir. We all know that Dawn’s true purpose in the great tapestry of life in Mary Worth’s universe is to be as demonstrably miserable as possible. Whether she’s mope-masturbating to Game of Thrones, or staring forlornly at one of the Renaissance’s most famous dicks while thinking about her ex-boyfriend, or, as in this case, stumbling disheveled out of her apartment after what I assume is a 24-hour long mismatched-sweatsuit-clad crying jag to grab a fistful of carrot muffins and then retreat to the nest of blankets she’s made for herself in the middle of the bathroom floor, Dawn is at her best when she’s at her most pathetic.

Crankshaft, 9/25/17

Oh, man, looks like Crankshaft is in for a tough decision that he’s going to have weigh against his moral code: what will allow him to be more of a dick to more people, siding with labor or management?

Pluggers, 9/25/17

Pluggers know that the opiate of today’s masses flows through electrical wires and broadband pipes, and they’re doing their part to help keep the spigot at full blast!

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Prediction is a mug’s game — so let’s get started!

Judge Parker, 9/23/17

Long ago, marital friction between widower Alan and his young wife Katherine was a Judge Parker staple. It was usually Alan’s fault: some clever con artist or sleazy Lothario would drop comments or plant “evidence” that would gnaw at his insecurities. He would of course be too proud/embarrassed/stupid to talk to Katherine about it, and off we went. In these stories Katherine remained blameless atop her pedestal, stepping down only for a chaste hug at the end.

But since Alan’s retirement Katherine has become more hostile — tension from sharing her days with someone after years of having them to herself, no doubt. And, to be fair, Alan has been up to some shady stuff lately.

But I predict that Judge Parker will end its dalliance with adventure and return to its soapy, soapy roots. Katherine will join Abby Spencer and April Bower/Abbott-Parker to go all Housewives of New Jersey on Alan, Sam, and Randy in a galactic six-way divorce, custody, and inheritance war. It will end with a silhouette of Sophie sunning herself alone on her yacht off Corfu.

Sally Forth, 9/23/17

I live in a town where tourists stay when they want to visit San Francisco without paying city rates for hotels and parking. So we have a lot of little shops just like “Small Wonders” where Sally’s sister Jackie works. As a small-c curmudgeon, I pass by all the local antiques emporia, cruisewear boutiques, holistic spas, and tea shoppes and think “these places cannot possibly make enough money to stay open.” Barter plays a part in the local economy, but you can’t make much of a living trading decorative plates for Capri pants and massages. So we’ve evolved into a community of grifters and small-scale drug, mob, and government-fraud money-launderers. Hey, it’s a living. You thought that whole Comics Curmudgeon Fall 2017 Fundraiser thing was on the level? Please.

Anyway, this idea of Jackie’s boss Tasha running a front has potential, and I hope Sally Forth sticks with it. Extra points if she’s a phony defense contractor pretending to sell hybrid electric robot monkeys or solar flying cars, and her collaborator is strategic sourcing expert Ted Forth.

Mark Trail, 9/23/17

Mark Trail has tipped its hand — after this story wraps up in 2019, the strip is going straight into advertising: “Take it from Sheriff Don Stober, Johnny — that’s not just any candy bar, it’s a GNUTZ bar! When you’ve got a BEAR of an appetite, gnaw on a GNUTZ!”

Pluggers, 9/23/17

“Say, why not try a GNUTZ bar? It’s got that chocolatey, salty flavor with the savor you crave! Take it from Sheriff Don Stober, Ms. um … Lady Dog — Even a runt will grunt for GNUTZ!”

Sincere thanks to everyone who contributed to the Fall Fundraiser, which despite the vicious rumors is totally on the up-and-up — you guys are the best.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Rhymes with Orange, 9/16/17

A long while back my daughter Cousin Lumpy came home from preschool and announced that they had a “case of headlights,” as if Fawn Valley Montessori had suddenly gone into auto parts distribution. Adorable, am I right? Not at all creepy or horrifying. See there, Rhymes with Orange? That’s how you do parasite humor! Not like this. Never again like this, please?

Sally Forth, 9/16/17

When Sally first showed off her hairstripe in July 2016, it was a narrow band of purple in her signature jet-black 1970s hair helmet. Fashion-forward Aunt Lumpy tells me these things need to be maintained or they grow out. But Sally’s seems instead to be spreading. Distressing, sure, but nothing to cut off your thumb over.

Pluggers, 9/16/17

After the explosion, the beaches of San Diego were littered with scraps of nylon, tufts of fur, and the bodies of suicides who could neither forget what they had seen nor live with its memory.

Phantom, 9/16/17

Time once again for Uncle Lumpy Reads Comics Even Josh Doesn’t Read, So Nobody Has To Except for Poor Me, a regular feature. Sad, because IMHO this strip has been on a narrative and artistic roll since March — seriously, click to zoom that middle panel; go ahead, I’ll wait.
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We’re wrapping up the moody, atmospheric “Death of the Phantom” story, and it falls to me to pick winners and losers:

• Winner: Diana, who can now counter Kit’s “I rescued you from Boomsby” brag with “Yeah, I saved you from getting shot by that punk in the weed shirt, and it’s your night to wash the dishes!”
• Winner: Babudan, who can now top Guran’s “I’m totally the Phantom’s bestie” with “Yeah, I totally saved his life — and that hat is ridiculous!”
• Loser: L’il Kit, who will now look at his Dad the way Prince Charles looks at the Queen.
• Loser: Old Man Mozz, whose “immutable prophecy of Phantom’s death” is looking more and more like either some kind of weird con or the bad dream of a demented stoner.

Hey there faithful reader! I’m sitting in for Josh through the 24th while he takes a well-deserved break. Give me a shout at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have access or comment problems. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy