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Crankshaft, 5/1/17

Crankshaft, 5/2/17

Sure, Ed — those moms are chasing your empty bus.

Just look at the lovingly detailed bricks and rain, Ed’s meticulously randomized blackheads (4‑2‑3 — thank you, click-to-zoom feature!), and that enormous block of overwrought dialogue. Say what you will, a lot of time goes into making this strip. Leaving no time to read it, I guess?

I was vaguely unsettled by Monday’s Crankshaft even before Tuesday’s contradicted it, and this morning I realized why — Ed is smiling. Normally his face is a mask of aggrieved belligerence even when he’s doing things he enjoys, like gardening, barbecuing, or watching his beloved Cleveland sportsball teams. So if you ever need to get on Ed Crankshaft’s good side, God help you, start him bragging about what a thoroughly accomplished asshole he is.

Curtis, 5/2/17

So, tell us — did the guy rebuild his broken life or not? Sounds like he made a pretty good start! Don’t try to sell the moral ’til you’ve finished the fable, Aesop.

Pluggers, 5/2/17

Hey Andy, if social and family relationships baffle you, try making sense of Pluggers.

Spider-Man, 5/2/17

Before the doorman got in the way, Peter was driving straight into the lobby to save himself a couple steps. And check out the terror-font when Aunt May shows up — he knows she’ll get him up at the crack of dawn all week to make her damn chamomile tea and serve it up on the lovely balcony. Between the galactic defenders and widowed aunts, how’s a guy supposed to catch a nap?

OK, so it seems my superpower is finding logical errors in Crankshaft dialogue — still more useful than anything we’ve seen from Spider-Man!

–Uncle Lumpy

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Six Chix, 5/1/17

The fairies prepare to feast on the bodies of their mortal sisters. Their eyes gleam with hunger, though they hide their savage teeth. They number six in all: could this brood be the Chix themselves? Pray we never learn, nor how the cheese got pink.

Mary Worth, 5/1/17

Pluggers, 5/1/17

“Our marriage is an abomination, I’m having an affair with the rhinoceros, and get the hell out of my bathroom.”

Pluggers are hard of hearing and delusional.

Sally Forth, 5/1/17

I’m going to spend mine reading Sally Forth. Make some room on that couch.

–Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 4/20/17

In case you were wondering whether Dick Tracy could go any further up its own ass in terms of just being a full-time nostalgia strip about the wonderful world of comics and the people who love them, Dick is apparently going to appear at a cosplay convention, presumably cosplaying as Dick Tracy. Remember when this strip was about gimp-masked serial killers being eaten alive by rats? Well, now it’s about Dick thinking that this cosplay business seems like it could be all right now so long as he makes sure that his half-alien granddaughter isn’t going to be dressing all slutty, which is much grosser.

Marvin, 4/20/17

In case you were worried that Marvin wouldn’t be able to extract multiple poop jokes out of the week’s “Marvin is used by adults so they can drive in the carpool lane” plot: this is the second, and it’s only Thursday!

Pluggers, 4/20/17

I’m not really sure why “fishing through her husband’s raisin bran for recipe ingredients” is the moment when this she-plugger has finally given up on feeling anything other than a dull ache ever again, but it very clearly is. Just look at her face, man, Jesus.