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Gil Thorp, 5/24/16

Despite having read Gil Thorp on the daily for literally more than a decade, I don’t actually know that much about high school sports! For instance, last week I boldly declared that the girls’ softball team was blatantly repurposed clip art of the girls’ basketball team, given that they were wearing uniforms that consisted of shorts and tank tops. In my experience softball uniforms looked more or less like boys’ baseball uniforms, and also included certain key pieces of equipment, such as hats and gloves. But here they are again, in those same outfits, only now there’s a glove involved? Is this really what softball uniforms looks like? Occasionally yes, according to Google Image Search! Shorts, really! How do you slide in those things?

Meanwhile, Papa Bader is learning that the go-go chemical solvent lifestyle is no place for a guy trying to avoid drunk driving. Jumbo orders means jumbo alcohol! It’s the salesman’s code!

Pluggers, 5/24/16

I’m pretty sure I’ve read at least one version of the marketing copy for Pluggers that contains the word “celebrate.” But the last couple days, man …. whoo. The plugger lifestyle isn’t gonna sell itself, guys, and this certainly isn’t helping.

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Slylock Fox, 5/23/16

I’m not sure what’s funnier about this scenario. Is it that the Count has the awe-inspiring capability to build incredibly lifelike androids but only uses them as decoys when he’s on the lam? Is it that Deputy Duck lassoed this machine-man while it presumably stood there whirring and grinning like a moron? Is it how darn happy Deputy Duck looks to have finally achieved something, and everyone else looks very grave, aware that his sense of accomplishment will soon vanish? No, trick question: the actual funniest thing is that Deputy Duck isn’t wearing pants.

Crankshaft, 5/23/16

Good news! Jeff didn’t get a chance to tell his mother he forgives her, which, since she definitely didn’t think she ever did anything wrong, is a scenario that definitely would have involved her mustering her last shred of strength to say something incredibly cutting and cruel that would have left him even more emotionally torn up than when he started! See, sometimes good things do happen in the Funkyverse.

Mary Worth, 5/23/16

“Incidents lead me to believe too many people are lacking in some way! Incidents, Mary! Incidents! Lacking! This is how I talk, all the time! I don’t understand why I have problems making friends!”

Pluggers, 5/23/16

Pluggers are tired. So very, very tired. When will death finally come for pluggers? When will they finally be able to sleep, forever?

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Pluggers, 5/18/16

I have very mixed feelings about this caption/cartoon combination. In general, I sneer at shortcuts that allow the artist to pair up an extremely generic cartoon that can be endlessly reused, such as “Chicken Lady dyspeptically looks at a calendar while talking on a landline,” with an extremely specific caption, such as “Chicken Lady has gone past whatever the equivalent of menopause is for monstrous human-avian hybrids.” In this case, though, I’m pretty glad that we haven’t been presented with a visual depiction of, say, Chicken Lady about to get it on with her spouse and gleefully announcing that contraception won’t be necessary, or, conversely, Chicken Lady weeping sadly to herself because she can never have children.

Dennis the Menace, 5/18/16

“Get it, wreck-creation? Like they’re creating wrecks? Wuh-recks. It’s a silent w. I realize now I should’ve thought this through better.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/18/16

I’m so excited to casually drop the phrase “Mistopher Drama” into everyday conversation that I’m almost willing to overlook the fact that the plot of this strip is basically “The Boy Who Cried Child Abuse.”