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Momma, 3/28/12

Momma has always been depicted in this strip as being unafraid to butt in and tell anybody that they’re doing things incorrectly; however, she’s also been portrayed as being constantly haunted by her own impending demise, so I’m not sure if I really buy that she’d just sass Death quite so sassily. On the other hand, the process of reaping souls appears to have been so demystified due to budget cuts that it now just consists of the Grim Reaper pointing at you, causing you to levitate briefly. The latest victim appears more bemused than terrified by the process, so perhaps Death needs to prepare for a lot more pushback from little old ladies.

Gasoline Alley, 3/28/12

The latest meandering, unlikeable Gasoline Alley storyline involves beloved dialect-spouter Rufus, who has become something of a cat hoarder. After realizing he can no longer afford to feed both his kitties and himself, he has attempted without success to first sell them and then give them away. Fortunately he’s suffering too much foot pain to walk, as one assumes that his next stop will be the river.

Pluggers, 3/28/12

Pluggers don’t care much about the content of your character; they’re mainly concerned about where you fit into the local kinship networks, since those alone determine whether or not they should be waging a blood feud against you and your children and your children’s children.

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Pluggers, 3/20/12

HELLO EVERYONE! Did you enjoy a week with your favorite Uncle — a week that, as Pluggers would like to remind you, brought you just a little bit closer to your inevitable death in poverty? I’ll bet you did! I’ll be back with new comics tomorrow, but did want to offer up your slightly delayed comment of the week!

“I hear that more and more insurance companies are carrying the ‘walk in the park’ option in lieu of offering maternity leave. It’s part of their ‘walk it off, wuss’ complete coverage plan.” — pugfuggly

And your runners up! Very funny!

Apartment 3-G: “Little girls use toys. Margo uses TOOLS.” — UncleJeff

Crankshaft: “Pretty elaborate plot to get Cranky to pick up the bar tab for once.” — TheDiva

Popeye: “The Doomsday Doll is blond, endowed, and interested in physical contact – obviously Sea Hag didn’t research Popeye’s taste in women at all.” — NoahSnark

9 Chickweed Lane: “Let me see if I understand this. Edda becomes a super model who’s become virtually synonymous with your clothing line. Thus the thing to do is fire Edda and have your company known as the assholes that fired the nice hot chick. Are these the same guys that came up with ‘New Coke?'” — Zerowolf

Funky Winkerbean: “‘Les: “Does anyone know what the opening sentence of Moby Dick is? Cory?’
Cory: ‘To the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.’
Les: ‘That’s very good, but that’s not the opening sentence. It’s near the end of the book.’
Cory: ‘What is???'” — seismic-2

“9 Chickweed Lane today is a metaphor for Amos’s unlucky sperm cell, screaming piteously as it falls into Edda’s hellish inferno of an egg.” — Tom T.

9 Chickweed Lane: “Remember, it’s only premarital sex if you get married afterwards!” — greghousesgf

Slylock Fox: “Yes, evidence indicates someone was here moments ago. But the informant claimed the escaped prisoner was hiding in a vacant cabin. Therefore, whoever is hiding in this occupied cabin must not be the escaped prisoner. Case closed! Now, who wants toast?” — Mysterion

Curtis: “I don’t always drink beer. But when I do, I prefer Cuss Skunk.” — Frank Lee Meidere

“Why can Ballard Street do full rear nudity, but not Judge Parker? God dammit.” — commodorejohn

“I notice that Dinette Set comes with a warning at the bottom that it ‘may cause drosiness’. Is drosiness that feeling you get when you want to punch whoever writes these things?” — The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“The Dinette Set does not appear in my local newspaper. I’m starting a petition drive to keep it that way.” — Zerowolf

Family Circus: “Why would the clock tick, mommy? Is that like having fleas? Why can’t we enter the twenty-first century like normal people?” — Droopy Says

Thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And this is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Apartment 3-G, 3/12/12

“Come on in, Scott! I was just fixing supper. Care to join me?”

“Thanks, Margo. That looks great! I am of course talking about that ill-defined piece of brown vertical furniture behind you. I can’t see any food from where I’m standing.”

“Don’t worry, Scott, I’ll just wave my hand and the table with all the food on it will magically appear behind us! Obviously transporting matter across space like this has some dimension-warping properties, so you may feel some slight discomfort as our heads and limbs change size relative to the rest of our bodies. Don’t worry, the effect is purely temporary. Anyway, supper is just some pasta, spices, and veggies with a fresh loaf of artisanal bread! Even though I was planning on eating alone, I’ve spread all the dishes out across this enormous table because it makes me feel more dominant. Also, I’ll just be eating the pasta out of the pot so I don’t have to wash another dish.”

“I confess, I never pictured you cooking! Usually in my masturbatory fantasies you’re giving me specific orders on how to best service you sexually or just lounging around the house naked. I also confess that I never pictured you with a freaky, elongated neck, but that’s sort of turning me on.”

Pluggers, 3/12/12

It is of course not a surprise that every surface in a plugger’s house is covered with the various pills and salves that they need to live, but I’m a little surprised to see the strip name-check a particular pharmacy chain. Frankly, pluggers always struck me as too canny and cheap to have much brand loyalty. Do you suppose CVS paid for this product placement? If so, I dearly hope that whoever signed off on that decision was fired post-haste for extreme incompetence.

Mary Worth, 3/12/12

Is it possible that poor simple Toby is actually ahead of Mary here? That she knows that Nola is irredeemable, and now is only good for gossip? “Enough of your tiresome bourgeois morality, Mary, what did she divulge? Don’t spare a single juicy detail!”

Beetle Bailey, 3/12/12

Yawn, another Beetle Bailey about how Sarge likes to eat a lot and OH GOD OH GOD HIS MOUTH OH GOD HE IS COMING