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Dick Tracy, 10/25/07

I’m going to ignore the concept of an old haunted house with a bad reputation (as opposed to the many old haunted houses haunted by jovial, friendly ghosts who give back rubs and offer stock tips) as garden-variety Dick Tracy madness. But I am intrigued by the mortgage default angle here. Is Dick Tracy going to be the first comic (other than Hi and Lois, which was much more oblique about it) to cover the bursting housing bubble and subprime mortgage collapse? Will this storyline end with Detective Tracy pumping hot lead into some bank loan office while growling “That’s one loan you never should have underwritten”? Stay tuned!

Mark Trail, 10/25/07

OK NOW? NOW WILL THIS FREAKIN’ DUCK STORYLINE END? NOW? Anyway, word of advice to Homer: stay the hell away from those ducks. Their aberrant, freakish coloring indicates that they’re hideous mutants and thus almost certainly highly radioactive. Plus, they’re not really your “family.” They’re ducks. They’re barely aware of your existence. They’ll completely ignore you if someone shows up with a loaf of bread, and when they decide to fly off — which they will — no thoughts of your lumpy face and bandage-wrapped noggin will ever cross their tiny, pea-sized brains again. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. And frankly, that’s pretty much the way it’s going to be with your human children as well.

Marvin, 10/25/07

I kind of love the expression on Marvin’s friend’s face here. He looks like someone who’s just been acquainted with the messy details of human reproduction. “Wait, dad did WHAT to mom’s WHAT? And then he did WHAT? And now a baby’s going to come out of WHAT? Oh, hell no.”

Pluggers, 10/25/07

ALERT! ALERT! A PLUGGER IN SECTOR 7-G HAS IDENTIFIED HERSELF AS “FUN-LOVING”! PLEASE INCREASE THE PERVASIVE SOUL-CRUSHING SENSE OF AWFULNESS IN THAT SECTOR AT ONCE! NO PLUGGER IS PERMITTED TO EXPERIENCE SO-CALLED “FUN”!

(By the way, if you have no idea what the hell this is about, it’s about this, and, by extension, probably this. But it’s Pluggers, so really who the hell knows.)

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/25/07

Comics Curmudgeon readers are either all cranks or really good at coming up with little real-life ironies that appeal to Al Scaduto — or both! Anyway, “Gaylord Fields” is really faithful reader HBGlord! His explanation of the circumstances behind this strip is much funnier than any commentary I could come up with:

Like literally everything that has ever run in TDIET, the inspiration was real life. Sitting in bed at 4 a.m. fuming after the now-recorded-for-posterity incident unfolded, I looked over at my lovely wife and saw her morph into none other than Migraina! At that moment a light-bulb appeared over my head (which also didn’t help me get back to sleep). I’m sure that’s exactly how great writers like Hemingway got their inspiration to, well, not so much create classic literary works as much as blow their brains out.

Finally, unrelated to anything but something you need to read: Shaenon Garrity has figured out the deal with Funky Winkerbean. (And if you like that essay, you’ll probably want to read her seminal “Why I Hate Anthony” if you haven’t already.)

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Mark Trail, 10/13/07

I am heaving (hopefully not premature) thanks up to the Gods of Comics that this lame, lame, lame-ass Mark Trail storyline is finally meandering to a halt. I have disliked it both for its numerous lapses in logic and good sense and for its failure to produce a target for Mark’s fists. For the most part, I have ignored this plot in the hopes that it would go away, but I feel compelled to point out the pink stripe arching up from Evil Developer Jr.’s temple in panel three. What appears from most angles to be a lustrous, curly head of hair is actually one of the most epic combovers in human history, a work of cosmetological engineering as impressive in its own way as the Hoover Dam. Still, for all the effort that’s gone into it, it’s only staving off the inevitable, and the son will have to follow dad’s example and switch to the Lollypop Guild ’do eventually.

Mary Worth, 10/13/07

“…I want to give you this item of great importance … that’s IN MY PANTS!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/13/07

“…a .38 special revolver … IN MY PANTS!”

Jesus, every time I try to ignore the subtext in Rex Morgan, the text gets less sub. I’ll bet you’d like to learn how to shoot, Niki. Also, does anyone else think the “Y?” hat is a little flirty? This kid is totally asking for it.

Pluggers, 10/13/07

Note to self: Acquire separate business phone line post haste.

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Gil Thorp, 10/11/07

Oh my God, wait: Oregon? Too big to hide? Need I remind you what I found when I went Google image searching on “Culver Vale”?

“Gah, I’ve got to hide somewhere … I know, I’ll hide behind this Oregon flag! Wait, you can still see me … if only I weren’t so big … too big to hide…”

Comics are submitted to syndicates weeks in advance, so as much as I’d like to believe that the creators of Gil Thorp are stealing ideas from me in some sort of insane feedback loop, I know that’s not the case. But maybe they are generating their plots out of Google image searches and free association, in which case I say: kudos, sirs, kudos.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 10/11/07

This may well be the most esoteric TDIET ever, moving the strip away from its usual petty domestic gripes and towards a world-theory of aesthetic ethics. “E. Hennenfeld” is obviously a longtime observer of Portland’s fine arts scene, and is a fierce subscriber to the vision of art as a life-encompassing construct. How dare Pistachio offer a minimalist vision in his painting that isn’t reflected in his home? Is his home not as much an artifact — and thus a work of art in a true sense — as the canvases that hang in museums? By refusing to live his artistic philosophy, he reveals himself to be nothing but a hack and a fraud. It’s heady stuff, but hey, bitter waitresses and verbally abusive husbands aren’t the only people with gripes, OK?

Curtis, 10/11/07

I don’t mean to get in the way of a good hairy feet joke, but isn’t Michelle’s whole schtick that she’s snooty and rich? She gets driven around by a chauffeur, sneers at Curtis’s plebian pizza joints, etc., etc. Surely her mother could afford health insurance, yes? Also, doesn’t one usually check into rehab because one can’t stop taking the medication, not because of the medication’s unexpected side-effects? Also … aw, the heck with it. Ha ha! Hairy feet! I know what she’s been doing with those feet.

Pluggers, 10/11/07

Good lord, Rex Morgan is a plugger! I don’t think any of us were expecting that.