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Mary Worth, 1/21/22

Look, would we all be happier if Wilbur were dead? Absolutely. But, things being as they are, can we at least look forward to watching him try and repeatedly fail to climb a palm tree, with increasing desperation every time? Yes, yes we can. And remember, even if he manages to succeed, he’s just going to end up with a coconut. There is absolutely no way he will be able to open that coconut.

Crankshaft, 1/21/22

“Wow,” thought Pam. “He’s been talking about it for years but he finally did it. He finally figured out where to score weed.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/21/22

“Look, Kelly, I really don’t care about whatever frivolous artwork Rene collected. I just need you to say, clearly and for the record, that absence of evidence is the same thing is evidence of absence. You can do that, right? And you can do it under oath?”

Pluggers, 1/21/22

Oh, ha ha, just a plugger spending a dull Friday night listening to the police scanner. Say, I wonder a what code “10-45” means, let’s check on the old Google to fin–

AHHH

AHHH

OH MY GOD

IT’S ONE OF HIS FRIENDS

HIS DEAD FRIENDS

THE COPS ARE CALLING FOR BACKUP BECAUSE THIS BLOATED MAN-ANIMAL CORPSE IS SO VERY DISGUSTING THAT THEY CAN’T HANDLE IT

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Pluggers, 1/12/22

At long last, we get an answer to the eternal “what is a plugger?” question, and it’s this: a plugger is anyone who isn’t afflicted with total anhedonia. Have you ever experienced even the faintest glimmer of pleasure? Then I regret to inform you that you are in fact a plugger, my friend. This is good news for at least a few of you, so it’s too bad you can’t really enjoy it.

Mary Worth, 1/12/22

Speaking of enjoying things: hell yes this has been recorded by security cameras, which means everyone in Santa Royale will in fact be able to see Wilbur take a header into the ocean when the footage is inevitably leaked to YouTube. I’m imagining Ian Cameron in particular chortling manfully as he watches it over and over again. In other news, it turns out that if you want to get onto the bridge of a cruise ship and see all the cool stuff they have going on up there, all you have to do is tell the crew that “My boyfriend, he, uh, he got real mad and wandered off, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket.”

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Crankshaft, 1/6/22

I didn’t watch Netflix’s Bridgerton, but there was a brief window in late 2020 and early 2021 when online discourse about it was inescapable, and so I somewhat against my will became aware that a lot of the plot (which takes place in Regency England) revolves around a Duke insisting on using the withdrawal method of contraception with his young, sexually naive wife, and she slowly over the course of the show learns what semen is and why she’s not getting pregnant. What I’m saying is that the potential for classic Crankshaft wordplay here is absolutely horrifying, and Pam needs to put a stop to this is as soon as possible by throwing her television into the ocean.

Pluggers, 1/6/22

No. No. Absolutely not. This is the sort of thing a plugger would claim a little kid would do, because they spend all day on their iWhoosit or Android telephone or whatever. No self-identified plugger would admit to doing this. I refute this. I refute this.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/6/22

“Haw haw! We’re treatin’ our bodies like a garbage disposal! What d’we got to live for, anyway?”