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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/20

My Uncle Bob is a bassist who currently plays in a blues band called Bottleneck Bob, but back in the late ’70s and early ’80s he was part of a New York new wave band with Demi Moore’s first husband called the Dates that played at CBGB a few times. Anyway, once in the late ’80s, after he had moved to San Francisco, we were visiting him and watching MTV and I declared that songs with drum machines “didn’t have any soul,” expecting it would be the sort of musical sentiment he would agree with, and he replied, “One thing about a drum machine is that it never misses rehearsal because it’s hungover.” What I’m trying to say is that I’m honestly impressed by how Rex Morgan, M.D.’s country roots country guitarist has found the least edgy reason to be glad to be rid of his drummer that I can possibly imagine.

Crankshaft, 3/27/20

Wow, this whole Crankshaft arc has been a real paean to the importance of the traditional media: That podcaster just asked Lillian a bunch of softball questions, while NPR’s hard-hitting reporter has immediately realized that Lillian is in fact the person who murdered all those people who came into her bookstore.

Hi and Lois, 3/27/20

Boy, this comic sure makes Dot and Ditto look like real pieces of shit who don’t care about their father’s love, doesn’t it?

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Dick Tracy, 3/23/20

Hmm, it seems that Shaky, who’s slowly dying, is just going to bounce from one comical house to another until he finally dies! Today’s he’s visiting his cousin Quiver Trembly, which makes me ask: has there ever been any kind of genetic testing done to determine the origin of what’s clearly a heritable condition of some sort? Anyway, you can tell that Quiver is also into crime because she thinks the answer to everything is cocaine.

Mark Trail, 3/23/20

Big excitement, everyone! The Great Adoption Tryout is underway! It’s better than any reality show! (Side note: if Harvey Camel were still alive and here, he would definitely be live-streaming this.) The mean blond kid is already sitting next to the orphan-hungry Crowleys, and I’m honestly not sure if he’s supposed to be also vying for an adoption or what, but what I do know is that he’s going to sabotage Kevin’s happiness by any means necessary, and I for one am very excited to see what he has up his sleeve.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/23/20

Look, folks, I have to deliver some tough truths: it is not OK to shoot people in the head with a nail gun! I don’t care how many hyperniche musical genres they rattle off at you. Just tell them, in a kind but firm tone, that you could not possibly give less of a shit about what “roots country” is or what distinguishes “rockabilly” from “garage rock.” Violence is never the answer, even under extreme duress!

Dennis the Menace, 3/23/20

Some might say that just being stupid isn’t very menacing. But I would suggest that it’s possible to be so profoundly dumb that you truly are dangerous to yourself and everyone around you, and Dennis is getting pretty close to that line!

Crankshaft, 3/23/20

Say, remember last week’s absolute thrill ride, “Lillian is on a podcast“? Well strap yourself the fuck in for this week’s heart-pounder, “Lillian is on the radio!”

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Dennis the Menace, 3/22/20

Do you think this lady, who’s acquainted with Mr. Wilson well enough to know his name but not well enough to know that he doesn’t have kids, is … hitting on him? Like, I guess I don’t know how suburban retirees flirt, but if you told me that complimenting each other’s lawns was a standard opening line, I would definitely believe it. Anyway, for once I actually like the fact that Dennis is being very pleasant and not menacing at all, because it makes Mr. Wilson come across like not just a cantankerous old coot but actively deranged.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/20

The previous iteration of the movie version of Lisa’s Story was going to be called Lust for Lisa, but now Mason is making it, which means it’s going to be “told the right way,” and it’s really only sinking in for me just how incredibly depressing that’s going to be. Like, we’ve all had 20 years to absorb this shit, but Mason is going to pack it all into two hours. Can you imagine the opening scene where Les and Lisa visit the Bethesda fountain (named after a healing fountain in the Bible, and used to good dramatic effect in an infinitely better work) and wish for Lisa to not die of cancer, and then she dies of cancer anyway? This is the level of darkness you expect from the most tiring of European art house films, and I for one can’t wait for everyone to hate it.

Panels from The Lockhorns, 3/22/20

One thing I sincerely respect is that The Lockhorns does nearly twice as many panels as any other single-panel strip, since instead of just running one giant panel for Sunday it does five little ones! Anyway, I genuinely enjoyed these two both on their own and in juxtaposition to one another, as they give us two different textures of intra-Lockhorn marital complaint: on the one hand, Leroy finds marriage to be, allegorically, like the worst kind of physical torture humanity has ever dreamed up, and on the other had it makes Loretta sad that Leroy is such a drunk.

Mary Worth, 3/22/20

Look, Dawn, Jared has seen things, OK? Life! …and death! He knows that he could go at any moment and he’s not going to go out having never awkwardly kissed a girl, damn it!

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/20

“I never have to talk to your dumb aunt again, and now that I have a bunch of books to stick my nose in, I don’t have to talk to you for hours either! Win-win! See ya, don’t bother trying to have a conversation with me because I definitely won’t be listening.”