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Mary Worth, 12/22/19

“Or maybe you’d discover that he’s an insecure, unattractive, unpleasant man who’s hung up on his ex and also bad in bed! And then you’ll want to ‘return’ the ‘gift’ but find that you can’t! Won’t be my problem at that point, though.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/22/19

Good news, everyone! Rex Morgan has extremely ungraciously agreed to get a new dog for his daughter. 2020’s gonna be a real barrel of laughs, Rex-wise!

Dustin, 12/22/19

Ever since I started covering it here, I’ve referred to Dustin as being a Boomer vs. Millennial story, but today we’ve learned that Dustin’s dad is 54 and therefore, by most definitions, a Gen Xer like me. I take no pleasure in reporting this.

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Pluggers, 12/11/19

Some commenters here think that I overread smugness into Pluggers panels. For instance, my first instinct is to interpret this panel as saying that walking into a chain coffee shop and just ordering a coffee (which, for the record, is what I do, and is something that workers at said coffee chains are perfectly happy to hear, you’re not blowing their minds or anything) is a morally superior act that really sticks it to the big city liberal millennials with their damn frappuccino macchiatos and such. But maybe I’m wrong! Maybe this is just meant to be a value-neutral descriptor of plugger consumer habits, and stringing together a series of nonsense fauxtalian terms isn’t meant as a slight towards the people who actually do order those drinks, at all. If that’s the case, I would propose that the real plugger here, in a country where working-class people are more likely to be in retail than manufacturing jobs, is the slouched, middle-aged, minimum-wage-earning balding-with-a-ponytail dog-man behind the counter, and not Andy Bear, who presumably has a solid pension and set of benefits from his union construction job. Dog-man is probably thrilled to get a plain coffee order, since that’s much less complicated to make! Truly, Andy’s choice is an act of solidarity!

Dick Tracy, 12/11/19

Ahh, our sinister villains are going to stop at nothing to lure Mike Nomad and Steve Roper to their doom, keeping at it even after their exploding car gambit failed. I don’t know why but I find the claim to be “armored car driver” extremely funny. It’s like their logic was “What’s the most trustworthy job? Cop. Oh, but wait, they know all the cops already. What’s like a cop, but, you know, maybe in a truck of some kind?”

Dennis the Menace, 12/11/19

Wait, does the Dennis the Menace creative team think that men call each other up to talk about the internet porn they’re looking at, while they’re looking at it? Because that would be incredibly menacing. Fortunately, nobody actually does that, but still, it sends a real chill down your spine, you know?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/19

Good news, everyone! Mindy had her baby, and Mindy and her baby are both still alive! Bad news, though: Check out the expression on Buck’s face in panel three. That’s the look of a man who’s had a terrible girl’s name up his sleeve for months, just an absolute dogshit name, and has been eagerly awaiting the moment to unleash it.

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Happy Monday everyone! Today’s Marvin is not about Marvin’s dirty diapers! Instead, it’s about Jeff and Jenny’s dirty toilet. Look at how big and bulgy it is! Do you think we’re meant to understand that, like a diaper, the toilet has been filled with poop and now needs to be disposed of and replaced? Do you think the Marvin creative team has just forgotten how indoor plumbing works and can only think of human excretory processes in terms of diapers at this point?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/2/19

Shout-out to Rex Morgan, M.D., for showing us the moment when Buck learns that he has to change into scrubs in order to be in the room for his wife’s C-section, and the moment after he put on the scrubs and has evaluated their aesthetics, but not, blessedly, the moment during which he actually changed into them.

Gil Thorp, 12/2/19

We’re still in the “Chet gets his comeuppance” phase of this storyline, which will presumably last the rest of the week and never become particularly interesting, but I want to point out that Gil Thorp, the strip that brought us such classic catchphrases as “Ease up, friend,” doesn’t rest on its laurels. Look for teens across the country to be sassing each other with “Catch up, pal. Nobody cares” well into next spring!

Mary Worth, 12/2/19

Oh no! Iris is letting her hot young boyfriend down by choosing to age normally and experience menopause! If she really cared about him, she would maintain her fertility and, by extension, her sexual desirability just by wanting it bad enough! Guys, I’m … I’m starting to suspect that Mary Worth may not be a feminist comic strip.