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Blondie, 10/4/23

Look, I’m not going to say that this guy is a spitting image rendition of Javier Bardem as Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men, but his hair is weird in a way that’s kind of adjacent to the way Bardem’s hair was weird in that movie, and Chigurh’s whole gimmick was that he would make people flip a coin and if they lost he would kill them? Which seems like a strange thing to reference in the syndicated newspaper comic strip Blondie but, you know, they gotta make hundreds of these a year, eventually they’re gonna get strange with it. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, RIP Blondie Bumstead (1930-2023), you taught me that it was OK to be a flapper who marries above your class.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/4/23

“You’re on my list! My list of people I’m going to convince to turn themselves in to the cops and sign over valuable intellectual property to me. I’m back and I’m badder than ever! Plus I have mind powers now!”

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Hagar the Horrible, 9/30/23

I think it’s very interesting that Hagar is ostentatiously drinking from a golden chalice in this strip. He and his warband have finally gorged themselves on enough material goods from the dying Carolingian Empire that they no longer need to exchange all the gold they steal to support their immediate material needs and can afford ornamental frippery. It makes sense, then, that today’s episode is a catty comedy of manners that could just as easily be taking place in the comfortable suburban world of Hagar and Helga’s distant Walker-Browne descendents Hi and Lois.

Gil Thorp, 9/30/23

Look, I can barely keep track of the sports stuff going on in Gil Thorp, OK? If you’re gonna try to tell me that Barnes and this blonde girl used to be involved romantically and I’m supposed to remember that, I’m simply going to say that I don’t have the spoons to deal with it at the moment, and will retreat to my comfort zone (staring in mesmerized awe at the detached claw-hand that has latched on to Barnes’ sweaty fact in panel three).

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/30/23

So wait, all these guys are criminals? Every last one of them? But they’re still boring as hell?

Dick Tracy, 9/30/23

Uh oh, looks like Tracy has a new nemesis in — The Case Of The Guy With A Knife Who Loves To Stab!

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Crock, 9/27/23

It might seem incongruent to think of colonizers as sentimental, but many have a certain image of the colonized as a backwards but noble people over whom they must regretfully take a parental role. This rarely survives a collision with actual flesh-and-blood colonial subjects, who are in fact real people who when given the opportunity will quickly become just as addicted to screentime as you are.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/27/23

Damn, after breaking him down emotionally, Mud and Buzz are strong-arming Rene into signing his intellectual property over to them before turning himself in for a long prison sentence, with only a vague promise of an unspecified “cut” of any profits. Sounds like Mud Mountain is back to being a jerk again, which, ironically, makes his character interesting again, so I say, keep grifting the grifter, buddy!

Hi and Lois, 9/27/23

Big news, everyone! After nearly 70 years trapped in a timeless stasis, Trixie Flagston has finally grown just a little bit larger! Or maybe she finally crapped her pants for the first time, who’s to say, the temporo-biological aspects of legacy comics are mysterious and frankly distasteful.

Gasoline Alley, 9/27/23

Wait, what? After a little light mauling those government agents have just given up on reclaiming this human child from its ursine captor? The America I believe in doesn’t negotiate with terrorists — or, should I say, bearroris[a giant vaudeville hook drags me off stage]