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Tina’s Groove, 3/19/24

Tina’s Groove is another new strip I’m getting into! Tina is a waitress and is friends with the other folks at the restaurant where she works, including the cook, who is … an alcoholic? That’s definitely what’s going on here, right? Anyway, let’s bring on the laffs!

The Phantom, 3/19/24

Huh, so I guess this Phantom arc is going to be about how the kids today are all on their phones, and that’s why you can’t get good henchmen help these days. Well, did you ever consider that henchmen are bad so it’s actually good that the Zoomers are bad henchmen? Look how much time this guy being on his phone has saved the Phantom! Even his dumb Zoomer son is up to speed!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/19/24

OK, I’ve come around on this plot, which has genuinely made the terrifying ordeal of aging into a nonstop thrill ride, where your biggest opponent is your own refusal to acknowledge that you need mobility assistance. Will the Count be able to steady himself after a few minutes of leaning on that table? Will this elderly cowboy convince him that the next time he wanders away from his station to go take a leak, he should take his cane with him? Tune in tomorrow, or possibly several weeks from now, to find out!

Mary Worth, 3/19/24

Oh, sorry, do you not want to hear Mary go on and on about her neighbor, Keith Hillend anymore? Well, what if we spend a whole week where Mary and Jeff talk about how their relationship is comforting but not flashy, like an old shoe? You’ll beg for more Keith content by Thursday, and for death by Saturday.

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Beetle Bailey, 3/5/23

“Oh, posh,” you’re probably thinking, “Surely a tech whiz like Spc. Chip Gizmo would simply use a password manager to keep track of all his login information.” Sorry, wrong, this fundamentally misunderstands the nature of the Beetle Bailey universe. Chip Gizmo arrived in the strip in 2002 in response to the increasing popularity of these newfangled “computers” and, like all the other characters, has not evolved or changed or learned anything new since the day of his creation, so he’s never heard of a password manager. (Beetle was created in 1950, which is why he naively assumes that any complex piece of machinery must surely come with an instruction manual explaining how to operate it.)

Dennis the Menace, 3/5/23

“Older than I was when we got here. The linear flow of time and the operational state of our bodies only move in one direction, and that direction points us straight towards death. Feeling menaced yet, doc?”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/5/23

SPOILER ALERT: It’s piss, everybody! He’s an old man who’s been stuck in that chair all night, and the thing he needs to do is piss.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/2/24

My faithful readers are all familiar with Rex Morgan, M.D., the soap opera comic strip where nothing ever happens. But what if nothing happening was a sign that … something was happening? Specifically, what if the Count not getting out his chair was a sign that Rex had misdiagnosed something much more serious as a mere ankle sprain? Sounds like an exciting malpractice lawsuit is in the cards! (We regret to inform you that lawsuits, no matter how exciting, are another situation where something happens in the form of nothing happening for long periods of time.)

Gasoline Alley, 3/2/24

Wow, this is, uh, a choice for something to say to the person you pay to live with and care for your father full-time, who is the primary person we ever see talking and listening to him. “Oh, ha ha, I didn’t mean you, Gertie, obviously. Obviously! Say, why don’t you go cook something?”