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Judge Parker, 10/27/16

Welp, we always knew the other shoe would drop eventually when the upstanding Parker family, which owns the local judgeship by feudal right, tied itself to a clan of notorious mercenaries and killers! Oh, sure, at first they tried to keep their in-laws in the dark about their illegal activities, but, know this: when your son marries a CIA (?) assassin, you will at some point be called upon to help fake her father’s death.

Mary Worth, 10/27/16

Speaking of trauma in the soaps, Mary, who’s life hasn’t changed in any meaningful way in fifty years, sure seems nervous hearing Wilbur’s tales of When Bad Things Happened Overseas! Considering all the dramatic carnage happening in other soaps, I wonder if Mary Worth is angling to join in on the fun? Santa Royale isn’t far from the San Andreas Fault, is what I’m saying, or from the Diablo Canyon nuclear power plant. It’d be a shame if the next Charterstone pool party were interrupted by a massive earthquake-tsunami, followed by a wave of radioactive debris falling from the sky — a real shame, I tell ya.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/27/16

As a paid-in-full member of America’s Elite™, June is always careful to respect trademark law, as intellectual property production is the backbone of our economy. Nobody’s going to be making unlicensed references to the lucrative franchises of The Walt Disney Company here! The characters from The Wizard of Oz, meanwhile, are firmly in the public domain and thus fair game.

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Hi and Lois, 10/18/16

Lois, if you’re going to raise expectations like that, shouldn’t you make some minimal effort to meet them?

Funky Winkerbean, 10/18/16

Football penalty flags are yellow. The official isn’t ejecting Bull, he’s giving up.

Mary Worth, 10/18/16

Mary suggested Iris should maybe spend a little more time with Tommy. Now she has to settle for a mere week of congratulations, because they squandered the Peace Prize on that Santos dude.

SO UNFAIR.

Heathcliff, 10/18/16

Evolution moves fast chez Heathcliff.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/18/16

I guess it must be far enough down the line for Michelle and Jordan Like the Country to resume flirting. ‘Cause that’s some straight-up banter right there.

Ballard Street, 10/18/16

Too late, by decades.

Mark Trail, 10/18/16

“Cannot … suppress … Nature facts!”

– Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 10/12/16

Shoutout to this Dick Tracy storyline for getting me more emotionally involved in the strip than I have been in years, if by “emotionally involved” you mean “researching U.S. nationality law and/or Dick Tracy’s byzantine backstory,” which I most certainly do! So, is Honeymoon Tracy an illegal alien? Well, she was born in outer space, but her father was an American and her parents were married at the time of her birth, so it seems clear that she was born a U.S. citizen, and attempting to revoke that citizenship based on her Lunarian descent would probably fall afoul of the Constitutional ban on ex post facto laws, to say nothing of the equal protection clause. Sorry, Rep. Bellowthon! You’d really do better with the vigilante angle. Why not investigate vigilantism in Neo-Chicago? You’d probably take down the whole rotten police force in the process!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/12/16

You know, I joked about what a relief the Morgans’ document-signing montage was, but the non-montaged unpacking that followed has been a perfect example of why it was so sorely needed. FUN FACT WE LEANRED TODAY: did you guys know that the Morgans have four separate grades of dishes??? So interesting!!!!!!!! Seriously, these details better have some payoff later to justify this dullness (suggestion: haunted dishes).

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/12/16

“Ya can just let th’ leaves cover ya, until you disappear!! Nobody can see ya, and ya cain’t see nobody!! Eventually death takes ya peacefully, the way ya always dream’d of!!”