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Mary Worth, 3/17/16

What do you think the story is with that all-blue-clad guy in panel two? How irritated do you think he is that his nighttime (?) reverie and his plan to stare at the ocean and the setting (??) moon (???) for hours have been interrupted by Mary and Jeff drunkenly stumbling up the boardwalk shouting at each other about how great Mary is at fixing people’s problems? Do you think he know how much those pants flatter his ass? (Based on the pose he’s striking, I’m guessing yes.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/17/16

Haha, whoops, it seems noted local pinhead Franco Wallace is only bad-mouthing his ex’s house so that she can’t sell it, because if she sells it, she’ll move away and he’ll never see her again! Rex’s facial expression in panel three gives you a pretty good sense of what he thinks of human beings and their so-called “emotions.”

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Marvin, 3/12/16

Therapy is always, always terribly misrepresented in fiction, because why do any research on various treatment modalities currently in use when you just want someone to have a plot-advancing revelation and/or a sexy affair with a therapist? Still, even by those standards this is pretty dire. “Instead of just bluntly asking you what you think of Jeff’s mother, we’re going to play a ‘word association’ game to tease out attitudes buried deep within your subconscious, attitudes that you might keep hidden even from yourself. OK, here’s the first word I want you to give me your associations for: ‘Jeff’s mother.'”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/12/16

A fun way to think about Rex Morgan, M.D., plots is that many of them are about people’s petty personal problems that Rex gets dragged into, mostly against his will. Like when an ugly family squabble broke out a funeral, and Rex made this face about it! This week, Rex just wanted somebody to sell him a house full of valuable antiques at below market value, and all of the sudden he has to hear about the bitter fallout from some neighborhood elder love affair. At any rate, this certainly puts Franco’s claims that when it comes to the house he “knows every nail” and “the basement fills with water” in a new light, especially if you’re the sort of person who likes to look for double entendres in soap opera comic strips, which I very much am!

Gil Thorp, 3/12/16

This Gil Thorp basketball season storyline continues to be snoozeville. There is definitely an interesting plot to be wrung from “straight but not-entirely-gender-conforming female student athlete navigates teen romance” but this one 100% isn’t it! Today’s strip at least promises some sort of off-court fracas to liven things up. “I think that was the Milford kid we were hollering at the other night. Did you guys bring some throat lozenges? Because we should holler at him … some more.”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/11/16

Wow, we’ve gotten to the “people give Rex free stuff” phase of this storyline much more quickly than anticipated! This nice old lady simply must vacate her charming Victorian home, and all her carefully curated possessions will simply clash with her daughter’s charming modernist home. And setting up an estate sale will just be a huge bother. So much easier to simply hand them off to whatever handsome doctor wanders in off the street! Now, let’s go upstairs and let me show you the “birthing chamber.” You can still see the placenta stains on the floor!

Blondie, 3/11/16

Uh, guys, have you seen Blondie’s waist? If she lost seven pounds in a week, you’d notice, because she’d probably be in the hospital.