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Dennis the Menace, 2/7/15

It’s true: one day Dennis is going to come home from school and find that his parents have gotten tired of his antics and moved out, taking only enough clothes to fill a suitcase and leaving no forwarding address. He’ll have to move out eventually too, of course, either when the food runs out or the bank forecloses, whichever comes first.

Spider-Man, 2/7/15

Spider-Man might not put that much effort into fighting crime, but if there’s one thing he always brings his A game to, it’s moronic banter. I sincerely wish this first panel could exist in animated GIF form, so that I could watch Spidey stumble around, arms flailing, for the entire time it takes him to spell out “M-I-S-T-E-R-I-O,” then mug awkwardly as he waits for the approbation for his dumb bit of wordplay that never comes.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/7/15

Say, have you been wondering what’s been happening in Rex Morgan, M.D.? What’s been happening in Rex Morgan, M.D., has been that Rex thought he might have a little while, just a little god-damned while, where he’d get to sit quietly and do a little painting and not have to talk to anybody. But turns out he doesn’t. Turns out he never does. Fine, June, get the resumes. No, I don’t care, just get them.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/23/15

Oh hey were you wondering what was going with the story of Kelly the teen, who’s being gifted with a free car and a zero-tolerance contract in order to ferry around Sarah Morgan and fulfill the nebulous art-education whims of a lovable old gangster moll? (Haha, I love trying to construct the most implausibly absurd sentences that are nevertheless 100% accurate descriptions of soap opera plots.) Anyway, Bugsy the driver, who is totally reformed and absolutely no longer a brutal mob enforcer, probably, is taking Kelly to get her free car, and it’s a hearse! It’s also free to Bugsy and Mrs. P., because of some ill-defined relationship between garishly suited hearse salesman “Tony” and Mrs. P.’s criminal syndicate. When Bugsy says Mrs. P. “sends her best to you and your family,” does that mean that Tony’s family has now been released from captivity? When Tony thanks Bugsy for “what she did for us,” is that a reference to her mob’s long reign of violent terror really boosting the market for hearses?

Pluggers, 1/23/15

You know you’re a plugger when you’ve never cooked anything even remotely healthy in your entire life.

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Heathcliff, 1/9/15

For a town where sanitation is so important to the local psyche that it has inspired a local simian trickster-god, Westfinster’s trash situation is actually kind of out of hand. Nobody ever seems to actually put their garbage inside bags like civilized people; instead, organic matter is just packed into metal cans and apparently left there long enough to become a more or less homogenous slurry. Today we see that this repulsive garbage-goo comes in brown and green varieties, possibly as a result of an ill-advised attempt to implement a composting system.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/9/15

Clovis’s main schtick in this strip is to be the third-string character who has a rocky relationship with his wife, but I find today’s strip particularly poignant. His marriage may be troubled, but at least his wife hasn’t strayed — and yet he actually looks distraught by this fact. Perhaps something as obvious as an affair would be what was needed to convince them to finally give up on their painful union; mere emotional incompatibility isn’t enough, as much as it’s destroying them emotionally.

Momma, 1/9/15

Today’s Momma features the usual Momma-Francis infantilization routine amped up to truly uncomfortable levels and manages to slip a fart joke in as well, but at least we can give thanks for the fact that breast-feeding was out of vogue for middle class families when Francis was a baby.

Spider-Man, 1/9/15

OK, fine, it was probably a little harsh for me to say it was stupid for Spider-Man to go around fighting crime with his cell phone on his person, since smartphones are incredibly useful objects for communication, wayfinding, and tracking down info fast. But still, the practical question remained: where would he keep his phone in his skintight costume? Well, today we learn the answer! (He keeps it right next to his balls.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/9/15

“Only good things have happened to me so only good things can happen to me! I’m on a nonstop rocketride to the moon, emotionally! For a little kid, I sure never have heard of what happens to characters in Greek tragedies who exhibit hubris!”

Pluggers, 1/9/15

You’re a plugger if one of your Facebook friends died more than a year ago but nobody’s bothered to tell you.