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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/5/12

Kudos to Rex Morgan, M.D., for having the main player in its breast cancer plot be not some chipper, beatific saint, but someone who is actually cranky and exhausted the way someone going through chemo actually would be. Today’s strip makes me hope that we’ll be getting a medical marijuana subplot in our California locale; after all, one of the reasons pot is prescribed to cancer patients is to boost their appetite (the munchies used for good, not evil!). Which side of this issue will Rex come down on? He’s actually a notorious medical-issues pinko, what with his support of single-payer health insurance and all, but on the other hand he loves feeling smug and superior to people he thinks he’s better than, which includes all nonconformists and hippies and potheads, so this should make for a hilarious internal struggle.

Mark Trail, 12/5/12

Uh oh, looks like Otto tried to kill Mark but then accidentally killed himself! No, just kidding, Mark will rescue him, of course. The real drama here: Will he immediately be converted to goodness thanks to Mark’s selfless rescue, or will he continue to plot? Will Mark eventually have to punch him, more in sorrow than in anger?

Gil Thorp, 12/5/12

In the last panel, with the bolding and the question mark, the narration box seems to have passed from disinterested observer to outraged Mudlark partisan. Or maybe it’s literally baffled by the ill-drawn tangle of limbs in panel two? “Pass interference? Wait, is Gallagher wrapping his arm around #81, or just kind of whacking at him? What’s going on?”

Dick Tracy, 12/5/12

Dick Tracy is doing some kind of “costumed vigilantes/superheroes” plot, though today it turns out that the whole thing may be a misunderstanding caused by this nice young couple’s eccentric and public sexual roleplay.

Spider-Man, 12/5/12

Over course of this plot, newspaper Spider-Man trufans have been saying, “OK, fine, we’ve had lots and lots of Peter Parker being publicly humiliated by his boss and by his rival, and he’s been literally forced to ‘pretend’ to work as a janitor in order to spy on Kraven. He’s done virtually no Web-slinging and absolutely no successful crime-fighting to speak of. But when do we get to the part of the story where he just yells at the television?” Well, today’s your lucky day, my friends.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/17/12

Remember back when some guy tried to hire June as a stripper and she turned him down? Well, times have changed and she’s up for anything now! A year and a half with Rex will do that to anybody, and I’m specifically including grandmothers and cloistered nuns.

Archie, 11/17/12

Archie is a self-righteous hypocrite who falsely believes himself human.

Hey, this is the second time this month comic strip characters have called themselves “we humans.” Are they growing aware of — and resenting — their fate as two-dimensional objects of mockery on the back pages of a dying medium? ARE THEY RISING UP IN RAGE? If so, hanging around this blog might not be the best idea right now, fair warning.

Apartment 3-G, 11/17/12

O MY GOD NOBODY TELL MARGO ABOUT THE REBELLION, OKAY?

Even as Evan poaches her clients for his Aunt Cathy’s agency, Margo prefers his dreamy neckrubs and obsequious flattery to Greg’s brutal honesty and unconscionable Lu Ann-noticing. But how the hell does she narrow her eyes like that? Maybe her skull is hinged like a snake’s, realigning at her will to transfix or engulf her prey? Brrr ….

Mark Trail, 11/17/12

Mark will go fishing with anybody but Rusty. And he sincerely believes somebody orbited a “Find Mark Trail” satellite like he’s Waldo or something. But despite long years of experience, he can’t tell who are the good guys and who are the bad. Here, Mark — let me help, and maybe you will put in a good word for me on that day of wrath?

Psst, Mark … it’s the facial hair. You’ll figure it out eventually — you always do, big fella.

— Uncle Lumpy

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So ends the Comics Curmudgeon Fall 2012 fundraiser. Thank you, generous readers!

Gasoline Alley, 11/16/12

Any hopes of social acceptance for coal-eyed monster Boog — from the cruel attentions of bullies to his prospects of a future mate — hang on the slender thread of his mother’s ability to keep his school — nay, the entire town — stuffed and brain-addled from her carbohydrate-laden snacks. Bake, Hoogie, bake! Bake like you’ve never baked before!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/16/12

Rex Morgan, M.D. plots are notorious for starting from an intriguing premise — Rex and June investigate a brothel — and then larding in so many trivial digressions that readers lose track, and eventually interest. And so we have Honey’s plumbing emergency, Ginger’s stockkeeping crisis, Edna’s heart attack and Herb’s gratitude, June’s free clam lunch (with extra free crab cakes — come back again for more free!), Dolores’s battle with cancer, Nurse Amber Thomas coaxing Rex into a TV spot for CPR training and his consequent public acclaim, Ginger’s Rex-poaching plans and backstory conflicts with the Marine-pilot wife of an former paramour and scheming clamshack waitress Rose. The shame in all this is that when the whole rickety edifice finally collapses in a hail of gunfire or ceremonial award of yet another boat, no one will much notice, let alone care.

Gil Thorp, 11/16/12

Talented and yet somehow Irish footballer Terry Gallagher has let his largely-fictional triumphs on the American gridiron go to his head! Here, the Cool Girls conspire in some vague iPhone-related plot to take him down a peg, because if the stars of the NFL have shown us anything, it’s that a deep and abiding humility is the key to football success.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/16/12

OK so Big Walnut Tech is obviously a Designated Villain in Funky Winkerbean: they routinely crush the Westview Scapegoats in football, and it was team star Frankie who got Dead Lisa pregnant (she was not yet dead at the time), so that Les could heroically give her a lift to the hospital and the Fairviews could get Darrin to adopt. And today Big Walnut Tech bests the Westview High crowd yet again, this time by remote control.

Sounds like a pretty interesting place, doesn’t it, this Big Walnut Tech? I’d like to know more about how their coach managed to maintain a consistently successful football program over so many years, and how they built an academic environment that develops clearly marketable skills in fields like robotics. And what about Frankie? Did he build on his high-school social and athletic successes to become a man of consequence? Were his dreams bigger than Westview?

I like to think of Frankie taking his final box of trophies out to the curb and drawing a last deep breath of Westview air, with its faint smell of bad pizza and flop sweat — then firing up his trusty old van, scene of so many conquests, and driving it down the sad main street out of town forever without a single glance in the rearview.

Judge Parker, 11/16/12

All along, Avery was just looking for a place to hang his hat and park his trout. He would see it clear enough if he took off those ridiculous glasses.

— Uncle Lumpy