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Oh-ho, “action” aplenty in the soaps today — let’s dive right in!

Apartment 3-G, 11/13/12

The Revenge of the Men for Margo’s many unspeakable crimes is here revealed as a one-two punch. Even as Evan the Earnest Mole conspires with his Aunt Cathy to bankrupt Margo’s publicity agency, Greg the Arrogant Actor plans to fatten her up on that mountain of generic Thai food. Soon, Margo will have no economic incentive to leave her apartment, and will be too wide to do so anyway — making the world a safer place for interchangeable men, but placing Lu Ann and Tommie in a world of hurt.

Mark Trail, 11/13/12

Did you wonder why Mark was so blasé about his kidnapping and island imprisonment? Well, panels two and three reveal that Mark can see into the future, accepting compliments before they are given, and doubtless foreseeing the hail of fists by which he will eventually secure his freedom. It’s a miracle anybody can sneak up behind this guy. I guess the ability to predict the future doesn’t mean you have to be paying attention.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/13/12

June got free clams and Rex got Internet fame, but Ginger wins the chest-off.

Mary Worth, 11/13/12

OK, it’s been hinted at that Jim is a possessive creep, but established beyond any doubt that he has ONLY ONE ARM. So how exactly is he grabbing Dawn in panel 2? And just what the HELL is he doing with his bottle of soda? I think the answers demand a much larger exclamation point than Dawn is giving us here.

Family Circus, 11/13/12

The original Family Circus gremlins, Not Me, Ida Know, and Nobody, are invisible scapegoats for the Keane Kids’ adorable transgressions. But newcomers Just B. Cause and O. Yeah aren’t objects of blame at all, but oddly-attired “things kids say when they’re being jerks.” If they live long enough to reach middle school, we can expect the Kids to give us strung-out junkie Whatevs, Vegas card-shark Deal With It, and the principal character from Marvin, O. Crap.

Hey, Thel — that kitchen is a pigsty. And hot dogs for dinner again? Seriously, woman, just what the hell do you do all day?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/7/12

So Rex Morgan saved a lady’s life with CPR and has, in his inimitable way, been a sullen dick about it ever since. Everyone’s been thanking him and telling him that he’s on YouTube and the world thinks he’s a hero and he’s just gotten madder and madder about it. I sincerely hope he uses this impromptu press conference as an opportunity to just tell everyone in the world how dumb they are and how much he hates them. “Yes, if administered correctly, CPR absolutely saves lives! Too bad most of you incompetent yahoos won’t do it correctly, leaving a trail of corpses with shattered sternums behind you. Here, here’s my long list of everything that’s wrong with everyone who’s not me!”

B.C., 11/7/12

Whoa, did B.C. just make a radical statement on the day after the election, announcing that our democracy is nothing but a sham and that the military-industrial complex is the true winner no matter how we vote? I mean, probably not, but the alternative explanation is gibbering madness, so let’s say yes.

Pluggers, 11/7/12

Pluggers, meanwhile, are glad that pesky election stuff is over so they can concentrate on what’s really important to them: their disgusting bodily functions, and pills that might make them even more disgusting.

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Crankshaft, 11/1/12

They say that if you live long enough you’ll experience just about everything, and so here it is: A Crankshaft I laughed at unironically. I think it’s Crankshaft’s look of genuine surprise in the final panel that really does it for me. What do you think he’s worried about more: that Rose found his blog, where writes hundreds of words a day alternately railing against the other members of his household and making terrible puns, or that Rose found his elaborately nesting folders of bookmarked scat porn?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/1/12

Speaking of hilarious third-panel facial expressions, what you’re looking at here is Rex’s involuntary grimace whenever someone uses the word “friend.” The concept involves spending time with other human beings, treating them as equals, listening to things they say, and trying not to look irritated — all things Rex hates, obviously. “I never thought I’d say this, but how can I get away from this guy and get back to the house with all the stripper ladies?”

Gil Thorp, 11/1/12

Gil Thorp: Still about two kids trying to make an new Irish student a superstar, for some reason, and now also about Beech Street, and how it rules, or maybe “Beech Street rules,” whatever those are! But what really grabbed my attention today is the poor young woman in the second panel, who appears to just be resting an enormous sandwich against her mouth instead of eating it. Is this her way of faking normalcy to cover up for a terrible but all-too-common eating disorder? Get help, girl!

Archie, 11/1/12

OH MY GOODNESS SOME PEOPLE SPEAK AND READ CHINESE IT’S CRAAAAAAZY