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Judge Parker, 2/20/10

Oh look, Rocky’s making nice with this paparazzo! That will totally make up for the time not 24 hours earlier when Rocky brutally assaulted him, right in front of a local law enforcement officer, and suffered no consequences for it whatsoever. He gives the hat-tip to Sam for his sudden burst of peaceableness, since it was Sam who told him that he needed to learn to control his temper if he didn’t want his wife divorcing him and taking all of his money away. A cavalcade of human loathsomeness all around!

Perhaps the reason that Rocky didn’t get all punchy again is that, in the world of Judge Parker, pretty people rule; but under the terrifying regime of the stand-in artist, everyone is equally deformed, leaving the inhabitants of the Parkerverse unclear on who exactly is allowed to domineer over whom.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/20/10

Don’t worry, though, everyone is still hilariously pretty and dumb over in Rex Morgan. Brook, having attempted bribe Toots out of the house with a sammich as if he were a common hobo, reacts to the return of her terrifying relatives with some kind of flailing dance move/martial arts readiness stance. I cannot wait for the wacky sitcom-style shenanigans that will ensue as Toots spends the next six to eight weeks attempting to lay low in the Morgan basement.

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Mary Worth, 2/7/10

Uh oh — it looks like Dawn isn’t going to sit back just acquiesce to losing her father’s affections to some scam artist! It seems that she is going to try shock therapy by finding the one person who can be guaranteed to terrify Wilbur back to his senses: erstwhile romantic rival Martin Clark. Sure, he’s been dead for years, but that will make the ultimate confrontation all the more harrowing, as Dawn rigs up the rich man’s corpse to move and speak like a marionette. “Look at me, Wilbur!” Martin will say, thanks to the ventriloquist lessons Dawn’s been taking on the sly. “I’m a charred, reassembled cadaver, and yet Abby would still choose me over you!”

Blondie, 2/7/10

This right here is seven panels of Superbowl Sunday inanity punctuated by one glorious moment of complete madness. I suppose that longtime readers of Blondie are supposed to know that spinning around on one’s head is an indicator of extreme, uncontrollable emotion of some kind, but to the casual viewer, it would just appear that Dagwood, Herb, and Daisy have chosen to express their football-related outrage with a stunning display of eerily synchronized breakdancing. Which I for one am totally in favor of.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/7/10

You know who I just realized that I totally don’t get at all? Berna! She’s Rex and June’s receptionist and she runs a successful salon of some sort and she uses Yugoslav generalissimo Tito’s recipes to dominate the local restaurant scene? Why would such a power broker need a relatively menial job behind a clinic’s front desk? Perhaps she uses it to drum up business for her salon. “Honey, trust me, Western medicine can’t do a thing about those split ends. Here’s my number.”

Meanwhile, I look forward to seeing how this strip attempts to make a guy named “Toots” who has a stripey rugby shirt, a goofy little beard, and a lot of hair gel into some kind of threat against Rex and June’s carefully constructed bourgeois order.

Marvin, 2/7/10

Since we only get a single glimpse of Marvin’s dad in this strip, in which he appears to be a good 15 or 20 feet away from his terrible little son and not getting any closer, I’m guessing this is less “father/son bonding” and more “let’s bring the hateful monster outside and leave him there until he ‘accidentally’ freezes to death.”

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Mark Trail, 1/29/10

I’m hoping that this Mark Trail storyline might be about to turn into Brokeback Mountain meets The Larry Craig Story. “An ‘old friend,’ Ben Harris, has a camp up ahead … I don’t think he’s going to be too happy with me, bringing a handsome young man like yourself along with me!” “It has been a long time, Senator … you’re looking good … so good … and you’re bringing someone else here … to our special place …” *sob*

Mary Worth, 1/29/10

Now, this is the point where all you cynics are going to say, “Ha ha, see, Kurt was lying all along!” That’s nonsense. If a scam artist were confronted with a request for a paternity test, they’d probably sputter and prevaricate. They certainly would not unleash a clipped “I don’t believe in their accuracy.” Thus, I am forced to conclude that Kurt is not a con man; he is a cyborg.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/29/10

Rex and June begin to suspect that Sarah is on to their plan to drop her off at a farm upstate and never come back.