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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18/23

Oh no, Hank Jr. must either give in to that nagging feeling he has about “Dr. Mirakle” and follow that thread no matter how far it goes or what kind of seedy underworld of fraud and violence it takes him to, or he could forget all about it and go back to his cabin and fool around with his wife. Sounds like a tough choice, I know, but keep in mind that if he “solves” the Dr. Mirakle caper, absolutely nobody will give a shit, so clearly that’s the route he’s going to take.

Marvin, 4/18/23

Every once in a while they make an “old guys doing crimes” movie with beloved older actors, like Tough Guys (1986, Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas) or Going In Style (2017, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Alan Arkin), along with probably some other ones in the intervening 30 years that I’m forgetting. These movies are never really big hits but there’s a built-in audience, which is to say old people, and since old people are also the most important audience for newspaper comics, Marvin could definitely do worse than have a whole subplot where Roy and Bernie’s new friend Earl pulls them into a life of crime, providing a kind of thrill in their later years that they thought they’d never recapture. Or, you know, the strip could instead have one joke about a guy who can’t stop wearing a ski mask, ha ha, then it’s right back into the poop jokes.

Mary Worth, 4/18/23

Dr. Ed is out here proving that you don’t have to follow annoying technicalities like “labor law” when you GOT THAT GOOD DICK

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Blondie, 4/16/23

My impression of Blondie and Bumstead’s personal history goes something like this: they has a brief and dissolute young adulthood during the Great Depression during which they met and married one another, after which time they settled into suburban domesticity for the next 90 years of unending middle age, their past vanishing away into mist. Now, does this make any internal sense? No, obviously not, but it still feels right to me and frankly strips like this, which imply that either of them had a life before they met that they can remember, are extremely off-putting. Unless the guy who used to wear this stupid hat was Dagwood himself at some point in their eternal marriage, and Blondie remembers and he can’t! If Blondie can retain memories while Dagwood exists in an undending present, that would explain a lot, although honestly you’d think she’d be a lot angrier.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/16/23

Sorry, I cannot simultaneously believe that Rene is such a master of beardcraft that he can create near-impenetrable disguises for spying on his enemies, and yet he still worries that his Dr. Mirakle get up wasn’t good enough for Hank Jr., or was good enough at first but he’ll remember who he was hours later. It doesn’t add up! Unless the goal is for Hank to spot his new disguise to dispel suspicions. “That Mirakle guy reminds me of somebody — can’t put my finger on it — oh, I guess it’s that guy over there with the weird chinbeard and the hat! Must’ve seen him around. Mystery solved!”

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/15/23

Aw, shucks, it looks like Dr. Mirakle really is Rene Belluso after all, cleverly disguised via fake eyebrows, though the question of whether Mud Mountain is a coconspirator or a mark is still up for grabs. Sadly, Rene used to know Hank Sr., so the “kid” Hank Jr. (who is clearly 15 years older than Rene at minimum) might recognize him at some point in the future, despite having had a not particularly brief conversation with him at close range earlier and seeming to not notice anything amiss. The point is that we’re gonna get a boat murder, or at least a boat attempted murder, and I think that’s neat.

Dick Tracy, 4/15/23

Speaking of crimes, Neo-Chicago’s Major Crimes Unit has called in an classic games expert for The Case Of The Guy Who Loves Classic Games Too Much, and check out how Sam is just absolutely embarrassing himself here. “Somebody’s playing cops and robbers and won’t share the dice.” C’mon Sam. Cops and robbers is an open-ended game of make-believe that children play, it isn’t like some structured thing with dice and board pieces and whatever. And what would “sharing” dice even mean in this metaphor? That’s not how dice work! Steve thinks you’re a big idiot! Why can’t you just be normal?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/15/23

Hmm, and how did Loweezy find out about this information, exactly? Sure, everyone knows Snuffy is a notorious layabout and criminal, but usually criminals can be relied upon to keep their mouths shut to protect their associates. But it seems not all the gossip in Hootin’ Holler is exchanged at the gossip fence.