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Mary Worth, 2/14/22

Toby story confirmed! Toby story about her working as a community college art teacher confirmed! I am very excited about the delights in store for us — do Toby’s students respect her? I feel fairly confident that they do not, and I dearly hope that the Etsy store where she sells her terrible figurines was discovered by everyone in her class by the end of the first week.

Blondie, 2/14/22

I dunno, man, I realize there’s a tradition of giving your romantic partner, like, sexy underwear for Valentine’s Day, but I feel like “Here’s something that feeds into my very specific fetish and it’s my Valentine’s gift to you” doesn’t seem quite right. I mean, I guess it’s working for these two crazy kids though? Sorry, Cookie and Alexander! Sorry they’re doing it right there in the living room!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/14/22

“My mistake. The thing is, I don’t want to talk to you, but if I had realized that my choices were either talking to you in person or talking to you on the phone, I definitely would’ve picked the phone.”

Gasoline Alley, 2/14/22

“We will celebrate it together, my dear! Have you seen my dad? That’s our future! We’re going to live forever, growing more wizened and aged, but never dying! We’re trapped in an eternal hell!”

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Gosh, it seems like the Morgans are about to lose all their savings in a lawsuit, but at least they’ll have their lucrative careers as medical professionals to fall back on! Unfortunately, Rex and June find the day-to-day job of being medical professionals a huge pain in the ass, since it mostly involves dealing with people and their problems. Can you imagine going to the doctor and asking them to look into your potential medical situation that goes a little deeper than just taking your blood pressure and declaring it “fine”? The nerve! Anyway, I sincerely hope that Rex gets a big eyeroll in right before this guy projectile-vomits blood onto him.

Mary Worth, 2/11/22

Objection, Toby’s face is in fact unnaturally smooth in that first panel. There are a few lines in the second panel, though they’re more “This is how human flesh actually works” rather than “Oh no, Toby has turned [REDACTED] and is now a hideous crone.” I’m assuming that in panel one, she’s put a chip clip behind each ear to pull her face nice and taught, to give her a preview of what the surgery will do for her once the poison she’s been slipping into Ian’s scotch finally accumulates to deadly levels and she can pay the surgeon with the insurance money.

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Dustin, 2/4/22

“I mean, why would I stress about that? That whole thing is Dustin’s generation’s problem, and I don’t even like him! Anyway, if anyone needs me for the next hour, I’ll be in the bathroom, shitting.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/4/22

Wow, it’s kind of amazing that Rex and June spent so much endless and extremely uninteresting time musing about whether Sarah could emotionally handle the publicity and fame of being a big-shot author about a cat who’s also a cop, and yet apparently didn’t bother checking to see if the Morgan family could legally and financially handle it if she got sued. Was this guy their lawyer then? He’d better hope he wasn’t, because Rex in panel three definitely looks like he’s going to murder whatever lawyer fucked this up, right before he murders Kyle Vidpa.

Beetle Bailey, 2/4/22

Hey, remember in the ’90s, when potato chip companies tried to market chips made with a zero-calorie fat substitute called “Olestra” despite the fact that they had to put a label on the bags that said, in a phrase that I assume was the end product of a lot of hilarious back-and-forth with the FDA, that they caused “loose stools”? Frito Lay’s version of these chips were marketed under the WOW brand, something that just popped into my mind, probably for no reason.