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Dick Tracy, 12/15/21

Let’s face it folks: between COVID-19, a general prejudice against nerds, and a widespread unwillingness on the public’s part to engage with anything that isn’t part of a larger, branded “cinematic universe,” museums and libraries and other so-called “brainiac institutions” are in trouble! That’s why we’re trying to “get the word out” in the funny pages about how these places are actually pretty cool, when you think about it. We already had a long story in Rex Morgan about how doing stuff at a museum can lead to you acquiring a mob enforcer as a chauffeur; now we’re learning that if you’ve been paid with murdering a particularly formidable adversary, maybe there’ll be an exhibit about him at your local library that will let you know about all his vulnerabilities and weak spots.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/15/21

Speaking of Sarah’s adventures in unearned and unwanted (?) fame and fortune, let’s not forget that she’s not the only pseudonymous author on the Kitty Cop series: there’s also “Kyle Vidpa,” aka Jake Rowling, whose writers’ block got Sarah involved in all this in the first place, and who is presumably about to blow his own cover to distract from Sarah. Look at his wife in the background of panel two! That is the face of a lady who’s about to go through a lot annoyance for a kid who she quite frankly doesn’t even know, and she’s not thrilled about it!

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Hi and Lois, 12/14/21

This is (and here’s a sentence that I’m reasonably sure has never appeared in the English language to date) the most heartbreaking Hi and Lois yet. Look at Thirsty! He’s doing a half-assed job of tucking his shirt in, he’s writing things down so that when he’s in a meeting he can at least act like he knows what his job is and that he’s doing it. And he looks so happy about it! Maybe putting forth a little effort to meet your responsibilities can make your life better, just like Irma says! Of course, Mr. Foofram is just going to go with whatever suggestion that nerdlinger in the bowtie came up with, which is presumably neatly typed up on that piece of paper that he’s handing over in the background, and this will send Thirsty back into his downward spiral of sloth. But for one brief and all-too-fleeting moment, he’s proud of himself.

Dennis the Menace, 12/14/21

That is, in fact, Dennis the Menace creator Hank Ketcham that Henry is calling his “boss” here, which quite honestly brings up a whole host of existential questions. Is Herny’s generic white-collar “job” actually just to be Dennis’s dad in the strip that bears his name? Does he spend his time in the office being lectured by Ketcham — literally his creator and God — about all the ways he needs to tee up Dennis’s little acts of menace? “Definitely you need to ogle some sexy women in front of the kid this week, Mitchell, and the week after that I’m gonna want you to talk shit about an acquaintance of yours right before they come to visit. You can’t say no to me, I called you forth from the ether with my pen and I can send you back!” The fact that Ketcham has been dead for 20 years just complicates this scene further. It’s almost as if Henry is finally about to explain who’s really calling the shots in this strip, and why despite the best intentions of everyone involved in its creation today, the Mitchells will be trapped in their narrative hell for eternity.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/14/21

Oh my gosh Rex said a swear!!! June is shocked, for obvious reasons: generally people are driven to profanity when they experience an emotion of some kind, something that she knows Rex tries to avoid at all costs.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/21

GTV8 ANCHOR BRYCE NEWMARK: Tonight’s top story: One local big sister, previously believed to be “basically OK,” has now been discovered to be “a big ol’ jerk.” Chad?

REPORTER CHAD HARRINGTON: That’s correct, Bryce. Sources on the ground have determined that this elder sibling, far from being “all right I guess” or even just “whatever,” is in fact “a big ol’ jerk.” We’re probing more deeply into this story and will keep you appraised of developments

NEWMARK: Is it possible that the big sister question is actually “a total doody head”?

HARRINGTON: We don’t have any solid information on that point yet. But a lot of our sources are definitely pointing in that direction.

NEWMARK: Say, wasn’t there something involving a comic book about a police cat in this story somewhere?

HARRINGTON: Maybe, but literally who cares!

[EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO LAUGHS]

Gasoline Alley, 12/11/21

Look, I don’t feel like explaining what’s happening in Gasoline Alley and you frankly don’t want to sit through the explanation, but just trust me when I say that the sudden presence of a sinister, grinning talking doll that says things like “Where do you want to go?” and “What’s the hold up?” when innocent children get nervous about the promise to transport them across time and space via dark magic came very much out of nowhere and I am here for it.