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Momma, 7/5/12

Momma owns a bottle of some kind of incredibly fast-acting and powerful pesticide, which is no doubt highly toxic to all living things that come in contact with it (e.g., Francis, Momma).

Wizard of Id, 7/5/12

This lady is “keeping her husband on his toes” by threatening to have immolated alive.

Hi and Lois, 7/5/12

Ditto can control the weather, or perhaps the very flow of time itself, with his mind, but isn’t really very good at it.

Spider-Man, 7/5/12

Something about the crazed madman who sent a theaterful of people running in terror and incapacitated her super-powered husband frightens Mary Jane.

Shoe, 7/5/12

Shoe is really kind of a dick.

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Lockhorns, 6/16/12

Congrats to Leroy on finding the most absolutely generic packages in the store! Let’s see, I’ll guess that the chips are in the bag, the peanuts are in the little flat box, the pretzels are in the long skinny box, and the beer is in the larger of the two cans? Because Leroy only bought one can of beer, maybe? Anyway, Loretta, don’t be so quick to judge, as we haven’t figured out what’s in the little can yet — it might be a single serving of milk.

Shoe, 6/16/12

I’m on the record as saying that Buzz, Shoe’s angry, confused elderly bird-man, is my favorite character in this strip, which is why I resent the fact that all the other bird-people have apparently abandoned him to just blather his nonsense in isolation. Couldn’t Roz at least put forth the effort of standing there nodding sullenly at his insane ramblings? He’s her most faithful, lowest tipping customer!

UPDATE: Apparently Biz’s name is actually Biz, rather than Buzz? I leave this up as is, as a mark of my shame at being unable to indentify cartoon birds!

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Dennis the Menace, 4/12/12

Yes, ha ha, Dennis tried to annoy Mr. Wilson while Mr. Wilson was going to the bathroom and Mrs. Wilson actually prevented this from happening for once. But wouldn’t it be a million times more awesome if Mr. Wilson had actually snapped and decided he was one of history’s more obscure kings (Louis XI of France, say, known to his people as “the Universal Spider”), had purchased a throne on eBay, and was currently sitting on it in his living room, barking out deranged orders to his nonexistent subjects? It would be a million times more menacing than anything Dennis had ever done, unless you count Dennis’ undoubted contribution to his insanity as the root menacing cause of the situation.

Luann, 4/12/12

In case you’re wondering, Luann has taken a break from its queasy-making storylines about teen sexuality in order to treat us to a queasy-making storyline in which Crystal tries to pee while Knute and Gunther stand right next to her stall and Gunther admires her shoes. (You may consider this to in fact be yet another queasy-making storyline about teen sexuality, but for reasons of my own mental health I am trying very hard not to do so.)

Mark Trail, 4/12/12

“Wait, no, that emphasis is kind of stilted, right? Let me try … ‘We are already here — surprise!’ Yeah, that sounds much more naturalistic. OK, mister, can you say your sentence again? Try to still act surprised when I yell surprise, it makes it more fun.”

Shoe, 4/12/12

“Ha ha, get it, because old people are old, like fossils are old? Old people? Ha ha? Seriously, though, I’m having lots of trouble pooping, so hand over the prune juice pronto.”

Ziggy, 4/12/12

The Home Shopping Network is a for-profit business whose margins depend on its operators taking customers’ payment information as efficiently as possible. They can’t afford to talk to sad, hairless gnome-men calling just because they’re lonely and need to hear another human being’s voice.