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Blondie, 1/27/22

Definitely my favorite character in today’s Blondie is Dagwood’s nameless co-worker, who’s just sipping his coffee and watching Dagwood post to Sandwichr, the social network for sandwiches and those who love them. Sure, it’s not that much fun to see someone else typing on the computer, but it kills some time, and Dagwood’s bound to say something wacky eventually, right? Anyway, despite what we’ve been led to believe by this strip, I think Mr. Dithers might be a little too lenient on his employees, actually.

Shoe, 1/27/22

Say what you will about the uncanny parody of human society that these sapient birds are acting out in the treetops here, but given that Roz has not only had a car accident but gone through an entire legal settlement process in the time since she saw the Perfesser last — and given how frequently he has lunch there, that can’t have been more than 48 hours or so — their legal system must be incredibly efficient.

Mary Worth, 1/27/22

Oh my God did this MFer really not make a phone call home as soon as he could and instead just decided to “surprise” all his friends and family by not being dead??? I certainly hope he’s about to start rapping out a truly awful parody of the Beastie Boys’ “Hey Ladies” with lyrics he wrote about his escape from death, obliterating any sense of goodwill any of the aforementioned ladies feel towards him.

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Shoe, 12/12/21

I honestly, and shamefully, would be down for Shoe to mine for laffs the relationship between Treetops’ one newspaper and its (presumably) one local television station. In such a small community of bird-journalists, one assumes that there’s a certain amount of social mixing going on, which probably includes an uncomfortable portion of slovenly print journalists harboring lustful feelings for the more camera-ready TV types. So I’m disappointed that this is all just a setup for a “hot air mass” punchline, and am all the more disappointed that said punchline is delivered in a way that doesn’t really make sense. Shouldn’t Shoe be saying “Watch out, she’ll recognize…” or something like that? In his defense, I guess, he’s probably pretty drunk.

Dennis the Menace, 12/12/21

Dennis truly menaces us today by illustrating that whatever high-minded beliefs we have about living in a functioning society as enlightened beings who work towards the greater good, in truth it is only “the Santa clause” — that is, the belief that correct actions will be materially rewarded and transgressions punished — that keeps us from degenerating into a state of total anarchy.

Dustin, 12/12/21

Welp, looks like you can add Dustin’s parents to the list of comic strip characters who fuck that I assume you diligently maintain. I take no pleasure in reporting this.

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Mary Worth, 12/4/21

Look, Wilbur, they’re fish. They’re fish! They’re fine, but the gulf between their world and a human’s is much wider than between, say, a human and a cat or dog, and no real emotional bond is going to arise. So you see, she can never love them like she loved y– ohhh, I get it now.

Gil Thorp, 12/4/21

Gotta admit that I’m kind of enjoying how this Gil Thorp storyline is wrapping up: will all the teen characters just shouting the things they’ve learned (?) over the course of the fall at each other at a rapid clip while standing on furniture. Have you kids all internalized these little life lessons? No? Too bad, basketball starts next week!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/4/21

The Hootin’ Holler setting of this strip has always been one created by and for flatlanders to play around with a very specific set of stereotypes about hillbilles, which has been going on for as long as anyone reading this has been alive, so at some level it’s kind of instructive to read it as “what do people living in mainstream America think life is like in Appalachia, or possibly what life was like in Appalachia during the Great Depression?” Anyway, the answer provided by today’s strip is “Well, there’s big piles of animal shit everywhere, but the native peoples have made an alliance with the amphibian world to help mitigate the negative side effects.”

Shoe, 12/4/21

“Yes, you read that right: the cast members gave birth on stage, only for their newly laid eggs to be cracked open, cooked, and devoured to the horror of the audience. We’re birds, remember? Birds! Also, this newspaper only has two employees, so we’re a little loose about what goes into our sensationalist crime coverage and what goes into theater reviews.”